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Saturday, June 30, 2012

June Losses & 3 Month Recap

June Losses
-12.6 pounds
-16.75 total inches lost
-2.8% body fat

Inches broken down:
Neck -.25
Upper Arm -.5 ea.
Middle Arm -.25 ea.
Lower Arm -.5 ea.
Bust -.5
Chest @ Armpits -1
Under Bust -1
Natural Waist -1.5
Waist @ Belly Button -2.5
Hips -1.5
Butt -2
Upper Thighs -.5 ea.
Middle Legs -1 ea.
Upper Calves -.25 ea.
Middle Calves -.25

I didn't take my measurements from the beginning unfortunately -- I started that the last day of March, so I do that every month now.  Thought it would be cool to see how much of everything I've lost from when I started measuring.

3 Month Recap: March 31st - June 30th
-32 lbs
-83.25 total inches lost
-5.7% body fat

Inches broken down:
Neck -1.75
Upper Arm -3.75 ea.
Middle Arm -2.5 ea.
Lower Arm -1.125 ea.
Bust -7.75
Chest @ Armpits -6.75
Under Bust -5.5
Natural Waist -5.5 (Difference from April 30th-June30th because I forgot this one in March)
Waist @ Belly Button -8.25
Hips -7.75
Butt -6
Upper Thighs -4 ea.
Middle Legs -3.375 ea.
Upper Calves -1.75 ea.
Middle Calves -.5

(May Losses April Losses links if you're interested)  It's very interesting to compare months!  There doesn't seem to be an obvious pattern, but it fascinates me that in April I lost more inches, less pounds, and less body fat than this month.  In May I lost more inches than this month but less body fat.  The body is a mystery I guess.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Unbelievable

I started this month at 192.2 (just .8 under my pre-pregnancy weight), with the goal of losing 10 pounds for the month (always my goal).  I hit a 9 day stall mid-month and figured there would be no way to make up those 9 days.  I haven't been working out regularly, I've had a couple very bad eating days, and the combination of those two things gave me little hope of making my goal.  They're just arbitrary numbers anyway; little goals to keep me focused really, I decided I wouldn't be too devastated if I didn't meet these goals by the time frames I set.  My injury (high ankle sprain) is finally feeling better and I went out for a run on Monday and felt no pain in that spot!  I'm all good to go.

I got past my stall and hit my next mini goal of getting under 186.  Then I lost a few more, and got down to my goal of 10 lbs for the month (182.2).  Then I lost a couple more and woke up this morning to 179.6!  I can't believe it!  I'm so incredibly excited!  Just had to share!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

FINALLY

I had hit -50, and got to 186 (.2 away from my next mini goal of no longer being obese), and started some serious self sabotage.  Typical, really.  8 days no weight loss, which isn't a huge deal, it's happened a few times over the last 3 months.  But, I don't know why I do that to myself.  Anyway, I got through it and today I weighed 184.6!  I now have lost more than I have left to lose (51.4 lost, 49.6 left).  Now it's a matter of getting myself back on track, keeping my eating on track, and working out - I've been inconsistent at best.  Luckily I haven't really done anything worse than stalled things by a week.  I certainly have never even considered giving up.  I just gotta get my head right.



Mini goals revisited and revised:
1st mini goal: Get under 200

2nd mini goal: 193, my pre-pregnancy weight.

3rd mini goal: 185.9, no longer considered obese.

4th mini goal: 175, which I got down to in January 2011, a few months before I got pregnant with Luke

5th mini goal:  163.8, which is my goal by Labor day, but either way I'm keeping it as a mini goal.

6th mini goal: 154.9, no longer considered overweight.

7th mini-goal: 143, lowest weight I've seen as an adult, maybe even as a teen.

8th mini-goal and current long term goal: 135.  I'll reassess at that point.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Body Image - Who the hell am I?

This has been on my mind a ton lately.  Going to try really hard to put it into words that will make sense to someone besides me (HA!).

So, while I'm nowhere near Thinville, I'm not overseas anymore at least.  As I've lost weight I've started to actually see myself again.  When I got fat I kind of dissociated myself from my body, I guess because it wasn't really ME.  I became my worst nightmare - a frumpy, fat, invisible, completely unattractive, wife and mother.  Jeans and a baggy t-shirt every single day, hair in a pony tail (meh, that's always been me, but it added to the mess), never a stitch of makeup; truly I figured "why bother", you can put lipstick on a pig, well, you know.  I always saw really pretty heavier women with flattering outfits, nice hair and makeup, but it wasn't something I felt comfortable with doing at my size.  I'd often go through old pictures from around 2005/06, when I was at my thinnest, and feel so angry with that stupid girl in the pictures because I knew she still thought she was fat.  Yes, she was much more confident, but she was not happy with her body, and the fat me could not comprehend that!

Today.  Oh, today.  Today I can understand her again.  Some days I actually feel WORSE about my body than I did at my heaviest.  How can this be!?  It's hard to explain exactly, but it's kind of like -- I knew I looked like crap when I was that fat, I had no misconceptions of being cute, I had given up; and now I have some semblance of a female figure instead of just a body of lumps and bulges, but (honestly I'm sitting here trying to put this into words that make sense and am having a hard time) now I actually LOOK at myself.  Instead of avoiding the mirror, I'm constantly looking at myself, pinching my fat, trying to notice differences, trying to see myself again.  I actually wear some makeup, wear my hair down sometimes, wear shirts that aren't quite as baggy; I actually try.  I think that's where it starts to come in -- I TRY to look good, and still don't, whereas before I didn't try and didn't look good so no harm no foul.  The effort doesn't change the results.  Oh yes of course I can see a change in my face, and I know my body is smaller because of the measurements I've taken and the fact that my clothing size has gone down a couple sizes; but the more I lose, the harder I am on myself.

All these memories are flooding back to me about never feeling good enough no matter what.  This is a problem!  This is a very, very, big problem.  This needs to be fixed!  I can't do this again because this is exactly why I ended up fat again, even fatter in fact.  I have to figure this out.  I didn't get fat because I liked pizza too much and enjoyed cake a little more than the next person.  I didn't become obese because I was simply lazy (ya, I was, but that's not all there is to it).

How the hell am I supposed to figure this out!?  How do I not become this girl again?  This girl who got to her goal and yet still wasn't happy?  I honestly can't even remember what it felt like to look like this...



Ya I totally believe I can look like that again (except a few years older), but I know very well that I will be in the same damn place I was back then, not being happy, not giving myself credit, feeling like it will never be good enough, and inevitably then ending up obese again, unless I figure out why I feel like this.  This is definitely a journey of self discovery, the main thing I have up on that girl in the pictures is that now I know that it IS NOT just about getting to a certain number on the scale.  Also another thing I have up on her is that I don't take forty thousand pictures of myself everyday to put up on myspace.  What an idiot.  Although I am certainly glad I have all these fabulous self taken pictures to look back on.  Awesome.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Rubberband

Ah well, I had been waiting to post until I made it to my next mini goal of  185.8; I reached 186 yesterday morning and had pizza last night, so it could be a few days now (water weight), figured I'd post anyway.

Met with my trainer yesterday, I always have a great workout with her.  It was my first workout in a week.  Luckily I have been keeping on plan eating-wise, so I still lost weight (3.8 lbs to be exact) last week.  Anyway, it got me back on track and I went to the gym this morning too.  I still can't do cardio because of my injury, so just weights.  I'm really really hoping it heals before the first week of August because that's when my training for the half marathon starts.  BUT, I decided I'm doing that damn thing no matter what, even if I have to crawl it.  I will definitely be disappointed if I can't run the whole way, but I'm doing it!

I've been at this for just over 12 weeks now and have made a lot of progress, even through all of the changes.  I've stuck with it through the ebbs and flows of motivation.  I've rubber-banded back and forth from no exercise, to too much exercise, to none at all again, and have hopefully settled somewhere in the middle.  I've gone as far as to eat basically nothing but veggies for an entire week, to doing nothing special at all, to counting calories and going too low, to landing on a nice amount of calories and focusing on protein intake.

Some days I feel amazing, some days I feel the exact same as I did over 30 pounds ago, some days I feel very confident and can tell a huge difference in my body, some days I feel awful about myself and feel like I'll never be happy with my body.

Since my highest weight in December, I've now lost 50 pounds.  That's a lot of weight!  I can now fit fairly comfortably into my size 14s, and my 16s are loose right out of the dryer, my 18s are like gangster pants (sometimes I like to wear them and listen to Bone Thugs and pretend I'm back in Compton).  The funny thing about losing weight is that while most people would think it would make you feel nothing but GOOD, it can actually make you feel bad too.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Getting. So. Close!

Only 2.2 pounds to escape obesity.  I've lost 31.8 pounds in just over 11 weeks, 48 pounds total since December.

I had a bad day yesterday, set off by my fitness assessment on Friday.  I'm over it now though.  And I honestly don't know why I let things get to me when I know, logically, they don't matter!

I went to the Good Form Running clinic at Runner's Den yesterday.  It's free, and if you are a runner, or want to be a runner, or may one day think about running, I'd definitely suggest going to this.  It's a small class so it's usually a few weeks out before you can get in, it's just 70 minutes, and it's always on Saturdays.  And honestly they just want to help you run, they don't angle a sales pitch at all.  Once my leg heals I will definitely be practicing my form, and then I'll be going back to the class after a few months to see how I've improved.

After my Adventure Run on Thursday, my injury has flared up again.  2 weeks wasn't enough rest I guess.  So I will be resting it for a couple more weeks before attempting anything like that again.  I suppose running that half a mile on Friday for my assessment didn't help either, but I DID shave 1:06 off my half mile time!  That's pretty darn good, especially on an injury.  Then of course there were the small running drills at the Running Class that probably also didn't help.  Ok, for real, rest now!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Rant

Two things that are important to me; two things that I cling to: DO it or DON'T do it, but don't freaking complain about it if you aren't willing to change it --  and, NO EXCUSES! 

If it is something you cannot change, change your outlook, change your attitude.  If it is something you CAN change, then DO!  If you are not willing to change, that is fine, but stop complaining.  You are the master of your life, YOU control your own destiny.  Ya, life throws some shit at you sometimes, maybe even all the time, but I guarantee there is someone out there who has it worse but who is still working their ass off to attain their goals. 

If there is one thing I cannot stand, that just irritates me to no end, it's people who constantly bitch and moan about things in their life that they have full control over changing, but just choose not to.  "Oh, well, I'm TRYING", freaking YODA dude "Do or do not, there IS NO TRY".  Usually "try" means that they consider doing it, but never actually do it because it's hard.  Your excuses are invalid, no one cares about YOUR excuses, it's only hurting YOU!  At least just be honest with yourself that you are unwilling to change and accept yourself the way you are and stop complaining.  And if you ARE NOT happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!  And if you don't want to do something, just say that you don't WANT to, not that you CAN'T.  It's perfectly fine to not want to do something, it is a valid reason; saying you can't, that isn't valid unless you physically can't and it that case it is a reason, not an excuse so this doesn't even apply.

I saw a video of a young man with no limbs (his name is Nick Vujicic, if you want to google him).  He had a wonderful attitude and positive outlook on life, and he was playing soccer and doing other various physical things in the video, on top of being a motivational speaker.  After I saw that I decided that there would never be an excuse I could come up with that would ever justify my lack of action, it made me take a good look at myself and how lucky I am to have my body and health and I need to treat it with respect.  People with less than me, people with less time than me, people with less support than me, do it all day every day all the time.

I work my ass off acheiving my goal, and it's irritating and condescending when people asking me what me "secret" is and roll their eyes when I tell them that I eat less and exercise.  There is no easy way to do this.  If there was a secret, Oprah would be skinny!  It's frustrating when people ask me for my help and then turn around and say they don't have time to exercise or enough money to eat right.  That's bull.  I work, I have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a husband (last but not least lol), I have a house to take care of (yes, it's a mess, but it's still standing), I have finances to balance, and we have hardly ANY money.  I manage; WE manage!  Eating healthy doesn't cost any more than eating crappy.  If you buy fast food, or eat out at a restaurant, or go out for coffee, or to a bar, if you buy any alcohol or cigarettes, or buy energy drinks, or food from a vending machine -- you can afford to eat healthy.  I challenge anyone who says that to write down every single penny they spend on everything they put in their mouth over the course of a month.  People fool themselves into thinking they don't spend much on unhealthy foods at the grocery store, but don't include all the money they spend on food and drinks outside of the grocery store.  And here's the other thing, if you really wanted to, you could lose weight eating crappy food, you just have to eat less of it, THERE, problem solved.  Ever heard of the Twinkie diet?  Google it.

People will either find a way, or find an excuse.  I choose to find a way, or at the very least admit my unwillingness.
/rant

If you read this and felt like it was directed toward you, it wasn't.  The people that triggered this don't have any idea I even have a blog.

Tomorrow is my follow up fitness assessment, excited to report the results!!!  Also excited to report how the run tonight went.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

"Hey, Fat Girl."

I stumbled across this Blog entry and wanted to share. 


Hey, Fat Girl.
Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.
You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home.  You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.
You are awesome.
If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.
You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.
You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.
I bow to you.



LOVE THIS!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Obese is a 4 letter word

5.8 more pounds to go until I'm no longer obese!  I'd rather be called just about anything than obese.  It's such an ugly word to me.  Ya it's clinical, but there's some sort of awful crossover from overweight to obese.  Yuck.

I attempted to do a tiny bit of cardio today after my weight training, made it 10 minutes until my leg hurt.  I know, I know, I'm an idiot.  I guess I thought 4 days of rest would be sufficient, obviously the doctor DOES know what he's talking about; go figure.  This sucks though, I signed up for a run that is this coming Thursday, sucks that it's looking like I won't be able to do it.

One interesting thing has happened over the last week.  Eating at my calorie level, less cardio, same or MORE weight loss.  Now this  is something that I've proven to myself over and over, yet I still do it -- an over abundance of cardio combined with low calories does not speed up weight loss, if anything it slows it down.  It is irritating, but actually kind of awesome when you think about it.  I had been doing 5 (or more) hours of cardio per week, 1200 to 1400 calories average, plus weight training.  It was too much for the calorie level, and obviously too much for my body too since I got an injury. 

I have about 9 weeks left until I have to start training for the 1/2 marathon; I will try very hard to allow my leg to heal completely, and then slowly reintroduce cardio.  I think it'd be a good idea for me to do no more than 45 minutes at a time, 3 days of weight training, and aim for 5 days a week instead of 6 or 7.  I have a hard time doing anything in moderation.  That's how I got fat in the first place.  My all or nothing mentality spills over into many areas of my life.  I need to find middle ground.