There is exactly 8 weeks until my official 1 year anniversary since starting losing weight. I still haven't hit that magical 100 pounds lost mark, which is annoying, so I do have that goal to hit FIRST (I mean mathematically there is no option lol), but I'd really like to be in the 120s by my offical one year anniversary. I made it to the 130s by my 1-year-since-my-high-weight anniversary, which was awesome even though I didn't make my original 100 pound goal by then. Shooting for the 120s in 8 weeks is fairly realistic as it puts me at about a pound a week goal (I was 138 today, but I've seen as low as 136.8 and TOM is here so I may see a whoosh soon) if I go by today's weight it's 8.2 pounds in 8 weeks which is reasonable. 2 lbs a weeks isn't really very doable for me anymore. I'm not willing to do what needs to be done in order to achieve that, to be quite honest 1 pound a week is hard enough at this point!!!
That's all really, I just wanted to put that out there.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Fat Face. . . AGAIN!
I know I've posted several face comparison shots, well it's my blog so there!
I suppose the significance this time is that the ones on the left are from January 2012, and the ones on the right are from January 2013. The difference a year can make!!!
I suppose the significance this time is that the ones on the left are from January 2012, and the ones on the right are from January 2013. The difference a year can make!!!
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| January 2012 vs January 2013 |
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Willingness *a rant*
Cheerful compliance. The state of being ready, eager, or prepared to do something.
What about non-cheerful compliance? As in, let's say, resentful compliance or questionable compliance. Is that still willingness? What about if you aren't necessarily ready, eager, or prepared but you do it anyway? Is that still doing it willingly? Or is that something else?
Obviously we are talking semantics here, but I'm hoping you catch my drift as I am basically just about to launch into a whiny rant about not being at goal yet but not being sure if I'm willing to do what it takes to get there. Well, I shouldn't say that last part really because it's not a matter of wanting to give up, not at all. There's no giving up at this point, no going back, I haven't allowed that option nor should I. I'm not where I want to be so of course I'm not going to stop, or worse, backslide.
Basically I'm just throwing a little fit about not losing at a faster rate (like I used to), and it taking more effort and less calories than it used to (duh) the closer I get to goal, and anytime I eat a bit more than I should my body reacts more dramatically than it used to, and feeling a little irritated about always having to turn down yummy food that I want or not eat as much as I want or workout when I don't want to. (I just won the award for longest run on sentence EVER!)
And where is this all coming from all of a sudden? Well, it's coming from where it almost always is comes from -- a smaller pant size. This happens every.single.time I change sizes! I don't know why it's such a trigger for me but it is! I immediately eat crap foods and put on a pound or two and then regret returning my bigger pants for smaller pants because I *could* have been happy as a size 10, then 8, then 6. Well here I sit in my new size 4 pants that are a bit too snug now from the 2 pounds I've gained (it was 3 yesterday - obviously mostly water because I didn't eat THAT much, truly) and I keep going back and forth between trying to calm myself down by reminding myself that this ALWAYS happens when I switch sizes without a safety net (no size 6s in the house, I only had the 2 pants to begin with), and I can't very well wear my size 12s (that's the next smallest size I have available) out of the house, or only wear workout clothes everywhere.
I have no point or real subject matter here, I just needed to vent. I seriously JUST went through this when I returned my size 8s for 6s! That was around Thanksgiving, maybe a little before. It's weird how the smaller you get the quicker your pant size changes. Those 6s were tight for a while, then all of a sudden too big, like in just the matter of a few pounds. So I know these pants will fit fine in a week or so if I just buckle down. I know a big part of it is fear. I'm the smallest I've ever been in my life. Lowest weight as an adult and definitely the "thinnest" (I still can't refer to myself as thin without quotes because I don't see myself as thin at ALL) I've been in my entire life ever. This is complete uncharted territory for me, and yet I'm only a couple pounds lower than my lowest adult weight. There's a certain comfort zone I feel like I'm leaving that is very scary. I can't really explain why it's scary, but I can definitely feel the fear every time I see a new low weight on the scale I have a knee jerk reaction to binge. I've avoided binging for the most part, like full on binge, but I've definitely gone off plan.
The good news is that I have been working out! I got sick of the 30 Day Shred after 6 days, I took 1 day off then did a real weight workout yesterday and it felt good. I'm sore today and feeling very fat. I can feel fat bulging over the top of my pants right now and I'm disgusted by it. I told myself I'd wear my too-tight pants all day to remind me to stay on plan. Hopefully it works. There's nothing even remotely tempting to eat in the house so if I do go off plan it will be for no good reason.
What about non-cheerful compliance? As in, let's say, resentful compliance or questionable compliance. Is that still willingness? What about if you aren't necessarily ready, eager, or prepared but you do it anyway? Is that still doing it willingly? Or is that something else?
Obviously we are talking semantics here, but I'm hoping you catch my drift as I am basically just about to launch into a whiny rant about not being at goal yet but not being sure if I'm willing to do what it takes to get there. Well, I shouldn't say that last part really because it's not a matter of wanting to give up, not at all. There's no giving up at this point, no going back, I haven't allowed that option nor should I. I'm not where I want to be so of course I'm not going to stop, or worse, backslide.
Basically I'm just throwing a little fit about not losing at a faster rate (like I used to), and it taking more effort and less calories than it used to (duh) the closer I get to goal, and anytime I eat a bit more than I should my body reacts more dramatically than it used to, and feeling a little irritated about always having to turn down yummy food that I want or not eat as much as I want or workout when I don't want to. (I just won the award for longest run on sentence EVER!)
And where is this all coming from all of a sudden? Well, it's coming from where it almost always is comes from -- a smaller pant size. This happens every.single.time I change sizes! I don't know why it's such a trigger for me but it is! I immediately eat crap foods and put on a pound or two and then regret returning my bigger pants for smaller pants because I *could* have been happy as a size 10, then 8, then 6. Well here I sit in my new size 4 pants that are a bit too snug now from the 2 pounds I've gained (it was 3 yesterday - obviously mostly water because I didn't eat THAT much, truly) and I keep going back and forth between trying to calm myself down by reminding myself that this ALWAYS happens when I switch sizes without a safety net (no size 6s in the house, I only had the 2 pants to begin with), and I can't very well wear my size 12s (that's the next smallest size I have available) out of the house, or only wear workout clothes everywhere.
I have no point or real subject matter here, I just needed to vent. I seriously JUST went through this when I returned my size 8s for 6s! That was around Thanksgiving, maybe a little before. It's weird how the smaller you get the quicker your pant size changes. Those 6s were tight for a while, then all of a sudden too big, like in just the matter of a few pounds. So I know these pants will fit fine in a week or so if I just buckle down. I know a big part of it is fear. I'm the smallest I've ever been in my life. Lowest weight as an adult and definitely the "thinnest" (I still can't refer to myself as thin without quotes because I don't see myself as thin at ALL) I've been in my entire life ever. This is complete uncharted territory for me, and yet I'm only a couple pounds lower than my lowest adult weight. There's a certain comfort zone I feel like I'm leaving that is very scary. I can't really explain why it's scary, but I can definitely feel the fear every time I see a new low weight on the scale I have a knee jerk reaction to binge. I've avoided binging for the most part, like full on binge, but I've definitely gone off plan.
The good news is that I have been working out! I got sick of the 30 Day Shred after 6 days, I took 1 day off then did a real weight workout yesterday and it felt good. I'm sore today and feeling very fat. I can feel fat bulging over the top of my pants right now and I'm disgusted by it. I told myself I'd wear my too-tight pants all day to remind me to stay on plan. Hopefully it works. There's nothing even remotely tempting to eat in the house so if I do go off plan it will be for no good reason.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
New milestone.
Fit into a size 4 today. Wanted to share!
This is a pic of my biggest pants vs my new pants. Those size 18s from Walmart were TIGHT at 220 pounds. I now fit into a size 4 at 137 pounds!
This is a pic of my biggest pants vs my new pants. Those size 18s from Walmart were TIGHT at 220 pounds. I now fit into a size 4 at 137 pounds!
How I'm Treated
I went to the store yesterday evening and was reminded of something I've been meaning to blog about for a bit.
So, there I was in line, my total came to $16.03, the cashier asked if I had 3 cents, I didn't (just emptied my change into Emma's piggy bank). The cashier and man behind me start digging around in their pockets and come up with 3 cents. I had handed her a 20 so it wasn't as if I only had $16 and I was short, they just didn't want me to have to deal with all that 97 cents change I guess. So super nice of them! Then the young bag boy makes some small talk as he's bagging, the man behind me chimes in, the cashier continues chatting as well. A nice grocery store experience! Friendly people!
This made me reflect on all of the kind people who hold doors for me as I come out of the convenience store with my diet soda, or all of the other random niceties I have experienced lately. It has also reminded me of the other end of things -- the bitchiness I get from certain women.
All of this is new. Well, within, let's say, the past 4 months or so. I notice, as a whole, people are more friendly. I don't know how many doors men let close in my face coming out of stores when I was fat. Now, many seriously go out of their way to hold a door for me.
There's a person at work who went from being very short, and sometimes downright rude to me, to being not only nice and pleasant, but outwardly flirty. This is a person I've worked with for over two years.
This doesn't bother me though. I know for some people that lose quite a bit of weight, it actually makes them mad or resentful if people treat them differently, but I don't feel that way for two reasons. #1 - there's a decent chance that I am nicer now, more approachable, more friendly while out in public because I don't feel so self conscious. The fact that many people are more helpful and nicer to me could be that I give off a different vibe than I used to. #2 - I feel like it's human nature to act a little differently when someone is more attractive, and ya I am definitely more attractive then when I was obese. Not only do I have a shape now (which I competely lost as I got heavier - well I do suppose big blob is a shape but not an attractive one), but I dress nicer, wear make up, do my hair -- I never did that when I was heavy. I honestly don't even recognize myself. I'm certain I carry myself differently and exude a confidence that effects the way people react to me.
In actuality, I find it incredibly interesting. I went from almost literally invisible in public, to, well, not invisible. I was never treated badly, called names, or whatever, just basically wasn't acknowledged in any way. I find the new attention flattering, and then sometimes it makes me a little uncomfortable. But I definitely don't resent it. I was very unhappy in that body. I wasn't treating myself well, or with any care, why would I have expected anyone else to do so?
I am not speaking for ANYONE else but myself here, just as a side note. I know this can be a sensitive subject for people and that everyone experiences things differently.
So, there I was in line, my total came to $16.03, the cashier asked if I had 3 cents, I didn't (just emptied my change into Emma's piggy bank). The cashier and man behind me start digging around in their pockets and come up with 3 cents. I had handed her a 20 so it wasn't as if I only had $16 and I was short, they just didn't want me to have to deal with all that 97 cents change I guess. So super nice of them! Then the young bag boy makes some small talk as he's bagging, the man behind me chimes in, the cashier continues chatting as well. A nice grocery store experience! Friendly people!
This made me reflect on all of the kind people who hold doors for me as I come out of the convenience store with my diet soda, or all of the other random niceties I have experienced lately. It has also reminded me of the other end of things -- the bitchiness I get from certain women.
All of this is new. Well, within, let's say, the past 4 months or so. I notice, as a whole, people are more friendly. I don't know how many doors men let close in my face coming out of stores when I was fat. Now, many seriously go out of their way to hold a door for me.
There's a person at work who went from being very short, and sometimes downright rude to me, to being not only nice and pleasant, but outwardly flirty. This is a person I've worked with for over two years.
This doesn't bother me though. I know for some people that lose quite a bit of weight, it actually makes them mad or resentful if people treat them differently, but I don't feel that way for two reasons. #1 - there's a decent chance that I am nicer now, more approachable, more friendly while out in public because I don't feel so self conscious. The fact that many people are more helpful and nicer to me could be that I give off a different vibe than I used to. #2 - I feel like it's human nature to act a little differently when someone is more attractive, and ya I am definitely more attractive then when I was obese. Not only do I have a shape now (which I competely lost as I got heavier - well I do suppose big blob is a shape but not an attractive one), but I dress nicer, wear make up, do my hair -- I never did that when I was heavy. I honestly don't even recognize myself. I'm certain I carry myself differently and exude a confidence that effects the way people react to me.
In actuality, I find it incredibly interesting. I went from almost literally invisible in public, to, well, not invisible. I was never treated badly, called names, or whatever, just basically wasn't acknowledged in any way. I find the new attention flattering, and then sometimes it makes me a little uncomfortable. But I definitely don't resent it. I was very unhappy in that body. I wasn't treating myself well, or with any care, why would I have expected anyone else to do so?
I am not speaking for ANYONE else but myself here, just as a side note. I know this can be a sensitive subject for people and that everyone experiences things differently.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
WOW! 2013!
First blog post of the year. I wish I had something groundbreaking to write!
I did indeed make a list of New Year Resolutions, most of which aren't health/fitness/weight loss related, but I did promise myself I would focus more on fitness and getting back to working out regularly! I decided I don't have to go to the gym to workout, I can, but don't have to. I had to give myself permission because I have this thing in my head that it's not a "real" workout unless it's in a gym, which I know isn't true. We have a ton of workout equipment, so do my in-laws who live literally on the next street (I'm talking Olympic bar, squat rack, and more weight than I could ever lift), not to mention I can run outside, do workout videos; the options are endless. The gym is a great place to workout, and I hope to get in there from time to time to make the payment worth it (a whole $15 a month), but I've gotten hung up on the whole gym thing and turned my nose up at other workouts. Talk about DUMB too, so instead of getting in some (what I considered) half-assed home workout, I sat on my lazy butt doing nothing instead. Goes to show the lengths my excuses will go.
I still plan on doing the New Rules of Lifting for Women (I swear!!!!), but for now I've settled for committing (you've heard that one before right!? I'm such a flake!) to doing the 30 Day Shred. #1 it's so incredibly convenient and fast! #2 I really am out of shape (after 1 day of 30DS I'm so sore I am miserable -- did day 2 anyway though!). #3 I sometimes need to give myself baby steps when getting into something I don't enjoy. So that's my temporary plan. I do also want to start running again within the next week, making my goal to get out twice a week or so. Nothing crazy, just a couple runs a week.
The thing with working out for me is that it's only enjoyable when I feel strong and fit, which of course only happens after you've been working out for a while. When I start back up after not having worked out for a while, it's so miserable and just reminds me of how lame I've been and how much further along I could be if I'd have stayed consistent. I really hate that! I'm sure most/many people are like that as well. Anyway, here's to a year of fitness!
I did indeed make a list of New Year Resolutions, most of which aren't health/fitness/weight loss related, but I did promise myself I would focus more on fitness and getting back to working out regularly! I decided I don't have to go to the gym to workout, I can, but don't have to. I had to give myself permission because I have this thing in my head that it's not a "real" workout unless it's in a gym, which I know isn't true. We have a ton of workout equipment, so do my in-laws who live literally on the next street (I'm talking Olympic bar, squat rack, and more weight than I could ever lift), not to mention I can run outside, do workout videos; the options are endless. The gym is a great place to workout, and I hope to get in there from time to time to make the payment worth it (a whole $15 a month), but I've gotten hung up on the whole gym thing and turned my nose up at other workouts. Talk about DUMB too, so instead of getting in some (what I considered) half-assed home workout, I sat on my lazy butt doing nothing instead. Goes to show the lengths my excuses will go.
I still plan on doing the New Rules of Lifting for Women (I swear!!!!), but for now I've settled for committing (you've heard that one before right!? I'm such a flake!) to doing the 30 Day Shred. #1 it's so incredibly convenient and fast! #2 I really am out of shape (after 1 day of 30DS I'm so sore I am miserable -- did day 2 anyway though!). #3 I sometimes need to give myself baby steps when getting into something I don't enjoy. So that's my temporary plan. I do also want to start running again within the next week, making my goal to get out twice a week or so. Nothing crazy, just a couple runs a week.
The thing with working out for me is that it's only enjoyable when I feel strong and fit, which of course only happens after you've been working out for a while. When I start back up after not having worked out for a while, it's so miserable and just reminds me of how lame I've been and how much further along I could be if I'd have stayed consistent. I really hate that! I'm sure most/many people are like that as well. Anyway, here's to a year of fitness!
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