The Feels

Ahhh, I've taken a much needed break from all things weight loss.  No forums, no blogging, no nothin'.

My daughter turned 4 a couple days ago, and I've been engrossed in that. 

The few pounds I attempted losing in April are back on and I've been easily maintaining my "old" maintenance range from February and March.  I wouldn't go so far as to say this is a 'set point' for my body, but I will go so far as to say I'm not willing (or able) at this time to do what would need to be done to lose and maintain anymore weight.  It's not in me right now.  I tried to push through that, and unsuccessfully so, I should have listened to my body and heart and not my head.  I am reasonably happy maintaining between 138 and 142, and I seem to be able to do so without much of a problem.  One happy success I've had is that I've been able to only weigh once every day, to once every other day, that's a pretty big deal for me.  Going back to losing weight had triggered some not so great things again, and those things were the reason I halted my weight loss and started maintaining at the end of January, so it only makes sense to stop and maintain again.

I'll be honest and say I'm struggling with some things, and I have no doubt I brought it on myself by going back into weight-loss-mode.  I wasn't ready, and I learned my lesson, the hard way, as usual.  I'm still trying to recover, mentally, from April.  I am feeling a bit blue, and down on myself, and I'm trying to get past it, it's hard.  I wish I could verbalize the feelings, because I think releasing them would help me to get past them, but I just can't right now.  It's stuck in there and I can't seem to get it out.  I feel stable in one way, but like I spinning in another.  I want to be happy and content with myself.  I'm finding that to be very hard.  I have a problem separating myself from my body; meaning if I am even slightly unhappy with my body (ex. feeling like my stomach looks fat), I have a hard time being happy with ANY part of myself.

When I starting losing again, I basically stopped lifting, and that is typical for me.  I've found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things!  I'm being sulky, and lazy, and stubborn. 

I really don't know who all reads this, but if you are reading this and you are just starting to lose weight, or are already well into getting to your "goal", hear this:  Work on ALL of you, if you aren't already.  Those little voices in your head aren't going to go away once you are a certain weight, certain pant size, or any other certain goal, unless you figure out why they are REALLY there, and believe me it's not because you're fat.  You may think you know that already, but maybe there's a part of you that really thinks all those little issues will be solved if only you were X amount of weight lighter.  If you don't work on the head stuff, none of it will ever seem good enough.  You'll look in the mirror and be at a weight you never fathomed you could be, be wearing a pair of jeans in a size you never thought possible, yet still be discontent because of some bulge of fat you perceive.  You will sit there, if you don't work on these things, looking at yourself and wondering how you can be unhappy STILL!

I'm certainly not unique, these are things SO many people struggle with after losing weight.  Not all, but many.  I just don't want to be one of those people who pretends like it's all wonderful and that there isn't a ton of issues left behind, because there are, and there may be for you too.  And whether you are reading this right now thinking I'm one of the crazies, feeling sorry for me, or feeling empathy, or feeling glad you aren't alone, or feeling like that'll never be you, or feeling nothing at all, I feel it's important to share this.  I've been blogging about this since the beginning and I've shared it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the stupid, the ridiculous, the ranting and raving, the boring, the phases, and I think it's important to share what happens AFTER all the weight is lost.

If you are reading this now and you are overweight and wanting so badly not to be, know that you CAN do it, no question about it.  It is something that you are most certainly capable of.  Get on the rollercoaster, buckle up, hold on for dear life, and don't look back; but take care of yourself (ALL of yourself) while you're on the ride or else you'll be scraping yourself up off the pavement at the end, which is no fun even if you ARE a size 6.  You are good enough NOW, you are wonderful NOW, start believing it, and if you don't believe it, say it to yourself until you do believe it.