Is anyone still out there???
I'm still here! Just been taking a much needed break from it all. Probably too long of a break at this point.
Weight-wise: Been maintaining in the old range, though the last 2 days a pound over. Fully aware it needs to be reined in. One bit of good news is that I've been able to cut down on weighing quite a bit, once a day to once every other day. In a way I think it's let me have a break, in a way I think it's allowed me to get lazy
Workout-wise: Nada. Been full of excuses. Will get a random workout in then not doing anything forever.
Food-wise: Been eating like crap, eating too much, and overall not feeding my body food that makes me feel good.
Head-wise: In some ways better, in some ways worse. Rubberband effect. Tried so hard to get to a point where I don't care, now I don't care. Well, I really can't say I don't care, otherwise I'd not be here writing and trying to figure out how to get my head back in the game.
Feeling lame in general. It's hard to get back on track, but it must be done. Yes, technically I've been maintaining, but it has been more of a let's-see-how-much-crap-I-can-eat plus no workouts type of "maintaining", and that's not very wise, healthy, or good for me.
Another crap thing I've realized is how bored I am now that weight loss isn't my focus. It consumed so much of my time and thoughts that I am kind of lost. I think I know how to fix it, or at least starting fixing it, but I'm being so lazy and lame. I know a LOT of that feeling comes from inactivity and crap food making me feel lethargic. All problems right now seem to stem from unhealthy habits I've picked back up. GO FIGURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, don't worry (if you have been) about me. It's all a process, and I'm really hoping to finally find some middle ground.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Feels
Ahhh, I've taken a much needed break from all things weight loss. No forums, no blogging, no nothin'.
My daughter turned 4 a couple days ago, and I've been engrossed in that.
The few pounds I attempted losing in April are back on and I've been easily maintaining my "old" maintenance range from February and March. I wouldn't go so far as to say this is a 'set point' for my body, but I will go so far as to say I'm not willing (or able) at this time to do what would need to be done to lose and maintain anymore weight. It's not in me right now. I tried to push through that, and unsuccessfully so, I should have listened to my body and heart and not my head. I am reasonably happy maintaining between 138 and 142, and I seem to be able to do so without much of a problem. One happy success I've had is that I've been able to only weigh once every day, to once every other day, that's a pretty big deal for me. Going back to losing weight had triggered some not so great things again, and those things were the reason I halted my weight loss and started maintaining at the end of January, so it only makes sense to stop and maintain again.
I'll be honest and say I'm struggling with some things, and I have no doubt I brought it on myself by going back into weight-loss-mode. I wasn't ready, and I learned my lesson, the hard way, as usual. I'm still trying to recover, mentally, from April. I am feeling a bit blue, and down on myself, and I'm trying to get past it, it's hard. I wish I could verbalize the feelings, because I think releasing them would help me to get past them, but I just can't right now. It's stuck in there and I can't seem to get it out. I feel stable in one way, but like I spinning in another. I want to be happy and content with myself. I'm finding that to be very hard. I have a problem separating myself from my body; meaning if I am even slightly unhappy with my body (ex. feeling like my stomach looks fat), I have a hard time being happy with ANY part of myself.
When I starting losing again, I basically stopped lifting, and that is typical for me. I've found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things! I'm being sulky, and lazy, and stubborn.
I really don't know who all reads this, but if you are reading this and you are just starting to lose weight, or are already well into getting to your "goal", hear this: Work on ALL of you, if you aren't already. Those little voices in your head aren't going to go away once you are a certain weight, certain pant size, or any other certain goal, unless you figure out why they are REALLY there, and believe me it's not because you're fat. You may think you know that already, but maybe there's a part of you that really thinks all those little issues will be solved if only you were X amount of weight lighter. If you don't work on the head stuff, none of it will ever seem good enough. You'll look in the mirror and be at a weight you never fathomed you could be, be wearing a pair of jeans in a size you never thought possible, yet still be discontent because of some bulge of fat you perceive. You will sit there, if you don't work on these things, looking at yourself and wondering how you can be unhappy STILL!
I'm certainly not unique, these are things SO many people struggle with after losing weight. Not all, but many. I just don't want to be one of those people who pretends like it's all wonderful and that there isn't a ton of issues left behind, because there are, and there may be for you too. And whether you are reading this right now thinking I'm one of the crazies, feeling sorry for me, or feeling empathy, or feeling glad you aren't alone, or feeling like that'll never be you, or feeling nothing at all, I feel it's important to share this. I've been blogging about this since the beginning and I've shared it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the stupid, the ridiculous, the ranting and raving, the boring, the phases, and I think it's important to share what happens AFTER all the weight is lost.
If you are reading this now and you are overweight and wanting so badly not to be, know that you CAN do it, no question about it. It is something that you are most certainly capable of. Get on the rollercoaster, buckle up, hold on for dear life, and don't look back; but take care of yourself (ALL of yourself) while you're on the ride or else you'll be scraping yourself up off the pavement at the end, which is no fun even if you ARE a size 6. You are good enough NOW, you are wonderful NOW, start believing it, and if you don't believe it, say it to yourself until you do believe it.
My daughter turned 4 a couple days ago, and I've been engrossed in that.
The few pounds I attempted losing in April are back on and I've been easily maintaining my "old" maintenance range from February and March. I wouldn't go so far as to say this is a 'set point' for my body, but I will go so far as to say I'm not willing (or able) at this time to do what would need to be done to lose and maintain anymore weight. It's not in me right now. I tried to push through that, and unsuccessfully so, I should have listened to my body and heart and not my head. I am reasonably happy maintaining between 138 and 142, and I seem to be able to do so without much of a problem. One happy success I've had is that I've been able to only weigh once every day, to once every other day, that's a pretty big deal for me. Going back to losing weight had triggered some not so great things again, and those things were the reason I halted my weight loss and started maintaining at the end of January, so it only makes sense to stop and maintain again.
I'll be honest and say I'm struggling with some things, and I have no doubt I brought it on myself by going back into weight-loss-mode. I wasn't ready, and I learned my lesson, the hard way, as usual. I'm still trying to recover, mentally, from April. I am feeling a bit blue, and down on myself, and I'm trying to get past it, it's hard. I wish I could verbalize the feelings, because I think releasing them would help me to get past them, but I just can't right now. It's stuck in there and I can't seem to get it out. I feel stable in one way, but like I spinning in another. I want to be happy and content with myself. I'm finding that to be very hard. I have a problem separating myself from my body; meaning if I am even slightly unhappy with my body (ex. feeling like my stomach looks fat), I have a hard time being happy with ANY part of myself.
When I starting losing again, I basically stopped lifting, and that is typical for me. I've found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things! I'm being sulky, and lazy, and stubborn.
I really don't know who all reads this, but if you are reading this and you are just starting to lose weight, or are already well into getting to your "goal", hear this: Work on ALL of you, if you aren't already. Those little voices in your head aren't going to go away once you are a certain weight, certain pant size, or any other certain goal, unless you figure out why they are REALLY there, and believe me it's not because you're fat. You may think you know that already, but maybe there's a part of you that really thinks all those little issues will be solved if only you were X amount of weight lighter. If you don't work on the head stuff, none of it will ever seem good enough. You'll look in the mirror and be at a weight you never fathomed you could be, be wearing a pair of jeans in a size you never thought possible, yet still be discontent because of some bulge of fat you perceive. You will sit there, if you don't work on these things, looking at yourself and wondering how you can be unhappy STILL!
I'm certainly not unique, these are things SO many people struggle with after losing weight. Not all, but many. I just don't want to be one of those people who pretends like it's all wonderful and that there isn't a ton of issues left behind, because there are, and there may be for you too. And whether you are reading this right now thinking I'm one of the crazies, feeling sorry for me, or feeling empathy, or feeling glad you aren't alone, or feeling like that'll never be you, or feeling nothing at all, I feel it's important to share this. I've been blogging about this since the beginning and I've shared it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the stupid, the ridiculous, the ranting and raving, the boring, the phases, and I think it's important to share what happens AFTER all the weight is lost.
If you are reading this now and you are overweight and wanting so badly not to be, know that you CAN do it, no question about it. It is something that you are most certainly capable of. Get on the rollercoaster, buckle up, hold on for dear life, and don't look back; but take care of yourself (ALL of yourself) while you're on the ride or else you'll be scraping yourself up off the pavement at the end, which is no fun even if you ARE a size 6. You are good enough NOW, you are wonderful NOW, start believing it, and if you don't believe it, say it to yourself until you do believe it.
Monday, April 29, 2013
"You are not flawed, you are normal"
It's like the heavens opened up and the angels started to sing.
THIS blog is awesome. THIS post is awesome.
This ideal, this body, that so many of us (not all, don't let me put words in anyone's mouth) chase isn't always physically possible. This "perfect" size 2 or size 0, undimpled, smooth, blemishless, stretch mark free body, well the reality of it is that there are probably only a few people who actually have it without photoshop. I will never have it, and there's nothing wrong with me for it. I'm not NOT beautiful because of any of these things. And if someone out there disagrees, who the F cares!? You can't be everyone's ideal of beauty, wouldn't want to be because I am not here to be an object of desire for every douchey tool walking down the street.
I'm having these epiphanies left and right. I don't have to be the smallest I can possibly get, eat as little as I can get away with without feeling like crap. What do I want? I want to be strong and feel good, and I am and I do, so I just have to keep going this same way. I have this idea in my mind that I can't be happy until XYZ, NO! That's ridiculous, I can be happy with my body now. I get into the thinking "When my stomach looks like that, or when my legs look like this, THEN I can be happy", that's not a good or healthy way to look at myself.
This may seem like no-brainer stuff, or things I've already talked about, but it's like realizing it, REALLY realizing it is new to me. The ideal, my friends, is to be healthy, love your body, and love yourself. There's a way to accept yourself as you are, while still working to improve your fitness and overall health. It isn't one or the other. This is big stuff for me.
Cliche as it may be, the media perpetuates a message that women should be ashamed and embarassed of their bodies if there are any flaws. They probably weren't considered flaws until the media decided they were. I won't be one of those women, anymore, who longs to have that ideal body, I already have it. MY body, which carried two children for 9 months each, labored and gave birth twice, has always done what I've asked it to, I'm allowed to love it NOW and not be ashamed of any of it.
THIS blog is awesome. THIS post is awesome.
This ideal, this body, that so many of us (not all, don't let me put words in anyone's mouth) chase isn't always physically possible. This "perfect" size 2 or size 0, undimpled, smooth, blemishless, stretch mark free body, well the reality of it is that there are probably only a few people who actually have it without photoshop. I will never have it, and there's nothing wrong with me for it. I'm not NOT beautiful because of any of these things. And if someone out there disagrees, who the F cares!? You can't be everyone's ideal of beauty, wouldn't want to be because I am not here to be an object of desire for every douchey tool walking down the street.
I'm having these epiphanies left and right. I don't have to be the smallest I can possibly get, eat as little as I can get away with without feeling like crap. What do I want? I want to be strong and feel good, and I am and I do, so I just have to keep going this same way. I have this idea in my mind that I can't be happy until XYZ, NO! That's ridiculous, I can be happy with my body now. I get into the thinking "When my stomach looks like that, or when my legs look like this, THEN I can be happy", that's not a good or healthy way to look at myself.
This may seem like no-brainer stuff, or things I've already talked about, but it's like realizing it, REALLY realizing it is new to me. The ideal, my friends, is to be healthy, love your body, and love yourself. There's a way to accept yourself as you are, while still working to improve your fitness and overall health. It isn't one or the other. This is big stuff for me.
Cliche as it may be, the media perpetuates a message that women should be ashamed and embarassed of their bodies if there are any flaws. They probably weren't considered flaws until the media decided they were. I won't be one of those women, anymore, who longs to have that ideal body, I already have it. MY body, which carried two children for 9 months each, labored and gave birth twice, has always done what I've asked it to, I'm allowed to love it NOW and not be ashamed of any of it.
Friday, April 26, 2013
This is a big deal
Whenever I feel like I have it all together, I know that it won't be long before I find myself in a heap.
I made a mistake. I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode. I'm not up for it physically or mentally. I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds. But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on! I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous! This stops now. I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories. That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is. Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.
And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off. It gets kind of miserable sometimes. I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully. I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough. Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting. Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better! This has to stop. It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now. There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within.
I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else. Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good. If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.
I made a mistake. I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode. I'm not up for it physically or mentally. I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds. But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on! I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous! This stops now. I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories. That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is. Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.
And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off. It gets kind of miserable sometimes. I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully. I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough. Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting. Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better! This has to stop. It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now. There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within.
I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else. Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good. If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Today is a good day
I hit that elusive 100 pound mark yesterday (YAY!!!!).
My husband and I are signed up to run the Warrior Dash this coming Saturday, which I'm very excited (and nervous) about.
I'm in amazing shape, the very best I've ever been! I'm healthy and I'm fit.
AND, I feel good about myself today. And I should. And I'm pledging right here right now that I will NOT do anything to kill this feeling. I usually do, I seek out something that inevitably makes me feel awful. Not today. Today I am allowing myself to feel good, to feel amazing.
My husband and I are signed up to run the Warrior Dash this coming Saturday, which I'm very excited (and nervous) about.
I'm in amazing shape, the very best I've ever been! I'm healthy and I'm fit.
AND, I feel good about myself today. And I should. And I'm pledging right here right now that I will NOT do anything to kill this feeling. I usually do, I seek out something that inevitably makes me feel awful. Not today. Today I am allowing myself to feel good, to feel amazing.
Friday, March 22, 2013
My 1 year weight-loss-iversary
1 year ago today I stepped on the scale and saw 219.8. Though I had just had a baby the end of December, concluding my pregnancy at a whopping 236 pounds, by the end of January I was down to 207. So I had GAINED weight (again), and that 219.8 was ALL me and officially my highest non-pregnancy weight, and it put me well into the obese category. It was a Thursday, and I truly was just sick of being overweight. I made the decision to change that day, no waiting until Monday, or the 1st of the month. I was tired of making excuses for myself, tired of being out of shape, tired of feeling I looked awful, tired of looking sloppy in baggy clothes trying to hide my ever-growing body. I didn't want to be wearing maternity clothes 3 months postpartum. I didn't want to be swiping my husband's t-shirts because mine didn't fit, and having them still be tight. I didn't want to avoid getting on the floor to play with my kids because it was hard to get up afterwards, or be sitting on the sidelines at the park because it was too hard to play. I didn't want to make up excuses not to get together with people because I was embarrassed of my weight. I didn't want to grab a pair of size 18 jeans out of my closet thinking they'd be baggy and have them be too tight to even button. I was feeling horrible about myself in just about every way possible. And something just clicked, or snapped, depending on how you look at it. Like, why in the heck was I allowing myself to be so miserable in a body I had full control over!? All of a sudden I just realized how it was so ridiculous to wallow in self pity over something I could change! So I told myself, either be one of those people who is happy being fat and come to terms with the fact that I am making myself unhealthy and almost certainly shortening my life, or. . . change!!! I was already knowledgeable about nutrition, fitness, weight loss, lifting, you name it, just had to apply it. And truly it was as simple as that. Simple, though it certainly hasn't been easy!
The scary thing is that I look back at pictures of myself at my heaviest and it really and truly shocks me! I knew I was big, I felt big, but I didn't feel I looked as big as I was in reality. I have kind of the exact opposite problem now -- I feel bigger than I actually look. I will see a picture of myself and be surprised (pleasantly); I've seen my own reflection out places and TWICE thought it was someone else, someone skinny, wearing my exact same clothes and feeling irritated they looked better than me, then realizing it WAS me. My entire life has changed over the past year, lots and lots of good ways, some not-so-good (losing this much weight is a head trip). Losing weight doesn't solve all of your problems that's for sure, sometimes it causes new ones. I definitely wouldn't trade back though, not for a second.
I'm literally in the best shape of my life, better than when I was a trainer. Pictures of myself that I used to look at longingly, when I was obese, and think that I would never be that "skinny" again, I'm smaller than that now, smaller and more fit than I've ever been. I'm stronger, I'm faster, I'm better looking (well, it's true). I feel bad that I wasted years obese, thinking it was just the way I was now. The best and most empowering thing I've learned in the past year is that if you want something, you freaking go get it! This is the ONLY life we get (well, depending on if you believe in reincarnation), and it's a damn shame to go through it not being exactly who you want to be.
My best advice, weight loss or otherwise, don't waste another SECOND being anything other than what you want to be. Go DO IT, and go do it NOW!
Starting weight 3/22/12: 220
Current weight 3/22/13: 139 (maintaining weight flux between 137-141)
Starting BMI: 35.5
Current BMI: 22.4
Starting Body Fat%: >44%
Current Body Fat%: ~23-25%
Starting pant size: 20 solid
Current pant size: 4s, 6s, 7s, 9s (depending on brand)
Starting shirt size: XL-XXL
Current shirt size : M
The scary thing is that I look back at pictures of myself at my heaviest and it really and truly shocks me! I knew I was big, I felt big, but I didn't feel I looked as big as I was in reality. I have kind of the exact opposite problem now -- I feel bigger than I actually look. I will see a picture of myself and be surprised (pleasantly); I've seen my own reflection out places and TWICE thought it was someone else, someone skinny, wearing my exact same clothes and feeling irritated they looked better than me, then realizing it WAS me. My entire life has changed over the past year, lots and lots of good ways, some not-so-good (losing this much weight is a head trip). Losing weight doesn't solve all of your problems that's for sure, sometimes it causes new ones. I definitely wouldn't trade back though, not for a second.
I'm literally in the best shape of my life, better than when I was a trainer. Pictures of myself that I used to look at longingly, when I was obese, and think that I would never be that "skinny" again, I'm smaller than that now, smaller and more fit than I've ever been. I'm stronger, I'm faster, I'm better looking (well, it's true). I feel bad that I wasted years obese, thinking it was just the way I was now. The best and most empowering thing I've learned in the past year is that if you want something, you freaking go get it! This is the ONLY life we get (well, depending on if you believe in reincarnation), and it's a damn shame to go through it not being exactly who you want to be.
My best advice, weight loss or otherwise, don't waste another SECOND being anything other than what you want to be. Go DO IT, and go do it NOW!
Starting weight 3/22/12: 220
Current weight 3/22/13: 139 (maintaining weight flux between 137-141)
Starting BMI: 35.5
Current BMI: 22.4
Starting Body Fat%: >44%
Current Body Fat%: ~23-25%
Starting pant size: 20 solid
Current pant size: 4s, 6s, 7s, 9s (depending on brand)
Starting shirt size: XL-XXL
Current shirt size : M
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Day 13 of 28
The Breakdown:
Day 1, 11/23 - weight 147, calories 1283, no workouts
Day 2, 11/24 - weight 146, calories 1441, weight training, stretching
Day 3, 11/25 - weight 145.2, calories 1294, cardio
Day 4, 11/26 - weight 145, calories 1428, weight training
Day 5, 11/27 - weight 146, calories 1523, cardio
Day 6, 11/28 - weight 146.6, calories 1377, no workouts
Day 7, 11/29 - weight 146.6, calories ~ 2300, no workouts
Day 8, 11/30 - weight 147.6, calories - didn't record past breakfast, no workouts
Day 9, 12/01 - weight 149, calories ~1900, no workouts
Day 10, 12/2 - weight 147.8, calories ~ 1400, no workouts
Day 11, 12/3 - weight 147.6, calories ?, no workouts
Day 12, 12/4 - weight 146.2, calories ?, no workouts
Day 13, 12/5 - weight 145.2, calories ?,
Recap Week 1:
2 of 3 weight sessions for the week
2 of 3 cardio sessions for the week
1 of 3-6 stretching/foam rolling for the week
Recap Week 2:
1.8 of 11 pounds lost total
0 of 3 weight sessions for the week
0 of 3 cardio sessions for the week
0 of 3-6 stretching/foam rolling for the week
Goal weight by 12/20/11: 136
Yesterday was very busy and I wasn't able to post. My daughter started preschool, just Tuesdays and Thursdays for 3.5 hours, but it was very hard for me. She's been begging to go to school since she turned 3 in May, and I finally gave in because she craves that interaction with other kids that I just don't provide for her. She had a great day at school and loved it, didn't bat an eye when I left her, that was very hard for me. I, of course, want her to be independent and I feel proud I've raised her to be ready to be away from me, but at the same time it kind of hurt. When I went to pick her up she didn't want to leave and threw the biggest fit I've ever ever experienced. That was super hard too (aside from just the embarrassment) because of course I kind of pictured her being happy to see me and to talk all the way home about her day, but instead she screamed and cried the whole way home. It was awful and it really hurt my feelings on top of leaving me feeling like a total failure as a parent. Had a rough night with the both kids last night, and among other things, I feel extremely bad today so far. I really hate starting a new day feeling like crap in just all areas of my life. Trying to be kind to myself in spite of all of that.
Day 1, 11/23 - weight 147, calories 1283, no workouts
Day 2, 11/24 - weight 146, calories 1441, weight training, stretching
Day 3, 11/25 - weight 145.2, calories 1294, cardio
Day 4, 11/26 - weight 145, calories 1428, weight training
Day 5, 11/27 - weight 146, calories 1523, cardio
Day 6, 11/28 - weight 146.6, calories 1377, no workouts
Day 7, 11/29 - weight 146.6, calories ~ 2300, no workouts
Day 8, 11/30 - weight 147.6, calories - didn't record past breakfast, no workouts
Day 9, 12/01 - weight 149, calories ~1900, no workouts
Day 10, 12/2 - weight 147.8, calories ~ 1400, no workouts
Day 11, 12/3 - weight 147.6, calories ?, no workouts
Day 12, 12/4 - weight 146.2, calories ?, no workouts
Day 13, 12/5 - weight 145.2, calories ?,
Recap Week 1:
2 of 3 weight sessions for the week
2 of 3 cardio sessions for the week
1 of 3-6 stretching/foam rolling for the week
Recap Week 2:
1.8 of 11 pounds lost total
0 of 3 weight sessions for the week
0 of 3 cardio sessions for the week
0 of 3-6 stretching/foam rolling for the week
Goal weight by 12/20/11: 136
Yesterday was very busy and I wasn't able to post. My daughter started preschool, just Tuesdays and Thursdays for 3.5 hours, but it was very hard for me. She's been begging to go to school since she turned 3 in May, and I finally gave in because she craves that interaction with other kids that I just don't provide for her. She had a great day at school and loved it, didn't bat an eye when I left her, that was very hard for me. I, of course, want her to be independent and I feel proud I've raised her to be ready to be away from me, but at the same time it kind of hurt. When I went to pick her up she didn't want to leave and threw the biggest fit I've ever ever experienced. That was super hard too (aside from just the embarrassment) because of course I kind of pictured her being happy to see me and to talk all the way home about her day, but instead she screamed and cried the whole way home. It was awful and it really hurt my feelings on top of leaving me feeling like a total failure as a parent. Had a rough night with the both kids last night, and among other things, I feel extremely bad today so far. I really hate starting a new day feeling like crap in just all areas of my life. Trying to be kind to myself in spite of all of that.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Catching Up
The last week has been very busy. Between working, caring for the children (meaning - them driving me nuts and me just making sure they don't injure themselves), cleaning (haha ya right, just kidding), attempting to keep working out (the thoughts take up more time than the actual doing of the workout since I only made it in twice this week so far), and blah blah blah. . . life happens (I hate that saying, duh, life is happening constantly, what a useless thing to say).
I had kind of been eating like crap and my weight went up (wait, you mean eating too much makes you gain weight!? What!?). LUCKILY, I caught it quick and lost what I gained plus a teensy tiny bit more. Down to 167.2 today; I had gotten back up to 173 at the beginning of the week (obviously mostly water weight, as one cannot lose and gain several pounds of fat in just a few days).
Anyway, Jason and I had a lot of fun in Flagstaff for our anniversary. I would definitely recommend Flagstaff Extreme Adventure Course, and Salsa Brava Mexican Restaurant! Both exceeded my expectations! If you are going up to Flag, you won't be disappointed in either!
Not much else to report really. Things have been busy but fairly boring, unless I'm forgetting something -- that happens a lot nowadays.
I had kind of been eating like crap and my weight went up (wait, you mean eating too much makes you gain weight!? What!?). LUCKILY, I caught it quick and lost what I gained plus a teensy tiny bit more. Down to 167.2 today; I had gotten back up to 173 at the beginning of the week (obviously mostly water weight, as one cannot lose and gain several pounds of fat in just a few days).
Anyway, Jason and I had a lot of fun in Flagstaff for our anniversary. I would definitely recommend Flagstaff Extreme Adventure Course, and Salsa Brava Mexican Restaurant! Both exceeded my expectations! If you are going up to Flag, you won't be disappointed in either!
Not much else to report really. Things have been busy but fairly boring, unless I'm forgetting something -- that happens a lot nowadays.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Trudging Along
Been a little more low key the last couple weeks. I've tired of recording, counting, obsessing, etc. etc. Don't misunderstand, I've still been focused on losing weight, just in a different way.
Saturday is my and Jason's 6 year wedding anniversary. To celebrate, tomorrow, we are going to Flagstaff Extreme adventure course. After that we are going to lunch at Salsa Brava, which was featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (a Food Network show, for anyone that hasn't had the food-porn-pleasure of watching it).
I've, sadly (well I'm not sad about it really), totally been ditching out on the weight training. I, as usual, overdid it for several weeks and now can't stand the thought of it. I, perhaps, learned my lesson. . .again. BUT, I have still been going to the gym and getting some running in. I go maybe 3 or 4 times a week, and sometimes I just walk (it's just too hot to run outside right now, even though I prefer it). The good news is that my running is progressing fantastically, and I haven't had any pains or problems. I have progressed to being able to run 5 miles! I'm excited about that. I think I could have gone a little further too, or maybe done it in a faster time. I had changed my mind and decided I wanted to do the whole marathon instead of the half, then my injury kept flaring up and I think I'm too behind, mileage-wise, to make the full, so I'm back to aiming for the half, which I think is still pretty good. I have until the end of the month to decide, because I will need to register for one or the other before the price goes up the beginning of September.
Speaking of September (and Labor Day), I am now under 5 pounds away from that goal (168.5 this morning). That's rather exciting, isn't it!? Hard to believe I weighed over 200 pounds just in May! Well, it isn't actually that hard to believe I suppose, some days I still feel that big. I actually went on the Flagstaff Extreme website to check to see if I would be under their weight limit, silly right? I saw that it was 285, and even though I never weighed that much, part of me still is worried they're going to tell me I won't fit in their harness and that I can't do it. Jason says that I am psycho, which is probably fairly accurate.
I haven't been blogging, or facebooking, or visiting my usual weight loss forums, much at all the last couple weeks. It's been nice. I haven't lost my enthusiasm or drive, just sick of having my whole life revolve around it I guess. I'm at the point where, even though I have over 30 pounds left that I want to lose, 30 seems like nothing. I've lost over 65 pounds, 30 just seems minuscule compared to the 100 I was staring at when I started. I've already lost 30 more than twice over. 30? Psh, bring it on.
Saturday is my and Jason's 6 year wedding anniversary. To celebrate, tomorrow, we are going to Flagstaff Extreme adventure course. After that we are going to lunch at Salsa Brava, which was featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (a Food Network show, for anyone that hasn't had the food-porn-pleasure of watching it).
I've, sadly (well I'm not sad about it really), totally been ditching out on the weight training. I, as usual, overdid it for several weeks and now can't stand the thought of it. I, perhaps, learned my lesson. . .again. BUT, I have still been going to the gym and getting some running in. I go maybe 3 or 4 times a week, and sometimes I just walk (it's just too hot to run outside right now, even though I prefer it). The good news is that my running is progressing fantastically, and I haven't had any pains or problems. I have progressed to being able to run 5 miles! I'm excited about that. I think I could have gone a little further too, or maybe done it in a faster time. I had changed my mind and decided I wanted to do the whole marathon instead of the half, then my injury kept flaring up and I think I'm too behind, mileage-wise, to make the full, so I'm back to aiming for the half, which I think is still pretty good. I have until the end of the month to decide, because I will need to register for one or the other before the price goes up the beginning of September.
Speaking of September (and Labor Day), I am now under 5 pounds away from that goal (168.5 this morning). That's rather exciting, isn't it!? Hard to believe I weighed over 200 pounds just in May! Well, it isn't actually that hard to believe I suppose, some days I still feel that big. I actually went on the Flagstaff Extreme website to check to see if I would be under their weight limit, silly right? I saw that it was 285, and even though I never weighed that much, part of me still is worried they're going to tell me I won't fit in their harness and that I can't do it. Jason says that I am psycho, which is probably fairly accurate.
I haven't been blogging, or facebooking, or visiting my usual weight loss forums, much at all the last couple weeks. It's been nice. I haven't lost my enthusiasm or drive, just sick of having my whole life revolve around it I guess. I'm at the point where, even though I have over 30 pounds left that I want to lose, 30 seems like nothing. I've lost over 65 pounds, 30 just seems minuscule compared to the 100 I was staring at when I started. I've already lost 30 more than twice over. 30? Psh, bring it on.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Being Awesome
I've been obsessively reading Brad Pilon's website (I love his blogs and his ideas, and he's not bad to look at either), and one post I ran across today was about being awesome. He says that "Being awesome is: The ability to inspire yourself and be inspired by yourself". I LOVE that! He goes on to talk about how owning your own goals and not worrying about what other people think of them, or what other people's goals are, or basically anything to do with other people, increases one's awesomeness. So I'm going to be awesome, all day, everyday, from now on. AWESOME!
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Tuesday, April 24, 2012
In the end, it really is all about love
Today. Today was an experience. I swear I had more breakthroughs in the past 5 weeks than in years and years!
I got a free session with a personal trainer for signing up with Fitness 1. I've been there done that AS a trainer (training new clients for free to try and get them to buy sessions), so I figured whatever I'd go and get a good workout in and get to know some of the staff (I really like to feel like I belong when I'm a member of a gym). So I get there and hop on a treadmill to warm up while I was waiting for him (after filling out a little questionnaire in which I was highly tempted to lie about my weight, but decided that was counterproductive). The first trainer (I think the head one, his name is Kelly) had me come over to talk to him, then I met the trainer that would be training me (Jason, ironically enough), and we talked for a bit. I told him I was up for anything (I would regret that). I, honest to GOD, have never worked out that hard in my life. I've never been very good at being consistent with with weight training and conditioning. Cardio and diet I can do just fine (and by just fine I mean that I feel capable of doing it, not that I find it easy), but that 3rd aspect is what is challenging for me to actually DO because I have a hard time pushing myself. So he puts me through this workout and he sees how much I'm struggling, and I've told him how I was a trainer and have gained all this weight and feel miserable and after a particularly difficult round of hell he says to me "You shouldn't be like this" (meaning struggling and so incredibly out of shape and overweight) . And he said it in a sincere way, not in a mean way at all, but it just struck a nerve because, boy, it's SOOOO true! I'm 29 years old, physically capable, and knowledgeable about health, fitness, nutrition, and working out; there is NO reason for me to be sitting here so overweight. And the pregnancies are no excuse because with each pregnancy I was at the same starting weight, which was still at LEAST 40 pounds overweight. Anyway, after he said that I started to cry, not because it hurt my feelings, but because it's so hard to take a look at yourself and see that you've done this to yourself. It's seriously been a gut wrenching journey so far, and it's not going to get easier. That is another thing that he and I talked about; it's not easy, it's going to be A LOT of work! After my workout I sat down with Kelly and Jason again, of course I know they're trying to sell me personal training sessions, but I've known and met dozens and dozens of trainers and salesmen at gyms over the years I worked in them, and these guys are cool. They were so encouraging, and for some reason it seems to resonate more hearing encouraging words from strangers than from loved ones.
Tonight I sit here with a very big mixture of feelings. I feel strong, but I also feel weak. I feel sad, but I also feel extremely encouraged. I feel like there is no doubt that I CAN do whatever I want to do, with no limitations. I feel grateful for everyday of this journey so far. It's about so much more than weight loss, it's about finding myself again, facing things I haven't before -- like loving myself. In the end, it's all about love, like most things are.
I got a free session with a personal trainer for signing up with Fitness 1. I've been there done that AS a trainer (training new clients for free to try and get them to buy sessions), so I figured whatever I'd go and get a good workout in and get to know some of the staff (I really like to feel like I belong when I'm a member of a gym). So I get there and hop on a treadmill to warm up while I was waiting for him (after filling out a little questionnaire in which I was highly tempted to lie about my weight, but decided that was counterproductive). The first trainer (I think the head one, his name is Kelly) had me come over to talk to him, then I met the trainer that would be training me (Jason, ironically enough), and we talked for a bit. I told him I was up for anything (I would regret that). I, honest to GOD, have never worked out that hard in my life. I've never been very good at being consistent with with weight training and conditioning. Cardio and diet I can do just fine (and by just fine I mean that I feel capable of doing it, not that I find it easy), but that 3rd aspect is what is challenging for me to actually DO because I have a hard time pushing myself. So he puts me through this workout and he sees how much I'm struggling, and I've told him how I was a trainer and have gained all this weight and feel miserable and after a particularly difficult round of hell he says to me "You shouldn't be like this" (meaning struggling and so incredibly out of shape and overweight) . And he said it in a sincere way, not in a mean way at all, but it just struck a nerve because, boy, it's SOOOO true! I'm 29 years old, physically capable, and knowledgeable about health, fitness, nutrition, and working out; there is NO reason for me to be sitting here so overweight. And the pregnancies are no excuse because with each pregnancy I was at the same starting weight, which was still at LEAST 40 pounds overweight. Anyway, after he said that I started to cry, not because it hurt my feelings, but because it's so hard to take a look at yourself and see that you've done this to yourself. It's seriously been a gut wrenching journey so far, and it's not going to get easier. That is another thing that he and I talked about; it's not easy, it's going to be A LOT of work! After my workout I sat down with Kelly and Jason again, of course I know they're trying to sell me personal training sessions, but I've known and met dozens and dozens of trainers and salesmen at gyms over the years I worked in them, and these guys are cool. They were so encouraging, and for some reason it seems to resonate more hearing encouraging words from strangers than from loved ones.
Tonight I sit here with a very big mixture of feelings. I feel strong, but I also feel weak. I feel sad, but I also feel extremely encouraged. I feel like there is no doubt that I CAN do whatever I want to do, with no limitations. I feel grateful for everyday of this journey so far. It's about so much more than weight loss, it's about finding myself again, facing things I haven't before -- like loving myself. In the end, it's all about love, like most things are.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
End of Challenge
One of the really fabulous side effects of this week has been Emma's new found curiosity with what I'm eating. She has tried more new vegetables this week (with absolutely no coaxing from me) than ever in her life! Sometimes I forget how much little ones watch our every move and mimic our behavior. It has pushed me and inspired me to keep with it and make this a life long way of eating. Kids really don't buy the whole "do as I say and not as I do" attitude, you really do have to lead by example. And the good thing is that it is never too late to be a good example. In fact, I think that it's a super great to show kids that a person has the power to change their behaviors at any time. I'm very blessed to have a husband who not only supports me in basically everything I do, or attempt, but who also has desire to lead a healthy life.
Another person who has been inspiring me is my brother. He has struggled with drug addiction for years, and 37 days ago made a change in his life, the hardest change he's ever had to make. He is 37 days clean today and I am so unbelievably proud of him that it chokes me up every time I think about it. I know that if he can do what he's doing, that I can eat some damn vegetables and refrain from binging on cookies! It puts things in perspective for me BIG time.
I have to admit I did cheat today. I bought a Yonanas and made a banana strawberry one for Emma, and I tasted it. So 1 bite of fruit tarnished my perfect week. Ahhhhhhh, the shame!!! Also I didn't workout yesterday :o or yet today!
Another person who has been inspiring me is my brother. He has struggled with drug addiction for years, and 37 days ago made a change in his life, the hardest change he's ever had to make. He is 37 days clean today and I am so unbelievably proud of him that it chokes me up every time I think about it. I know that if he can do what he's doing, that I can eat some damn vegetables and refrain from binging on cookies! It puts things in perspective for me BIG time.
I have to admit I did cheat today. I bought a Yonanas and made a banana strawberry one for Emma, and I tasted it. So 1 bite of fruit tarnished my perfect week. Ahhhhhhh, the shame!!! Also I didn't workout yesterday :o or yet today!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Day 5, and Other Things
My energy level is very low today. Luke did not sleep well last night, which means neither did I; maybe 5 hours of very broken up sleep. He's been sleeping almost all the way through the night for a week now, so last night was a very unpleasant surprise. It's one of those days I can't wait to go to work and get a "break" from the kids. I only work 10-12 hours a week, but it is MUCH needed. I love them with my whole heart and soul, but for goodness sake they NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE. HA! I know that's part of being a mom, and like 96% of the time I'm perfectly fine with never going to the bathroom alone, always being beckoned for a bottle or a "wipe me mommy", or never getting to eat a meal straight through, or just about any teensy thing either one might just think they need or want. Sometimes you just need a bit of time away to regain your sanity! I'm feeling slightly insane today, so I know it's good timing for a few hours of work. Jason and I are actually going to see a movie this weekend, which should also help with my sanity level (Hunger Games here I come!).
7 day challenge wise: had to kind of choke down my eggs and veg this morning. I get to have protein 4 times today and I'm not quite sure what all that will consist of. Chicken for dinner for sure. I need to go get some different veggies as all of a sudden the ones I've been eating and enjoying are making me want to puke today.
Well, I'm off!
7 day challenge wise: had to kind of choke down my eggs and veg this morning. I get to have protein 4 times today and I'm not quite sure what all that will consist of. Chicken for dinner for sure. I need to go get some different veggies as all of a sudden the ones I've been eating and enjoying are making me want to puke today.
Well, I'm off!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Inspiration for Change of Any Kind
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.
Mary Anne Radmacher
It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon
James Gordon
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Thomas A. Edison
Thomas A. Edison
Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.
Saint Francis de Sales
Saint Francis de Sales
The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.
Benjamin Mays
Benjamin Mays
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
Mark Twain
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.
Ralph Marston
You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.
Lee Iacocca The first and the best victory is to conquer self.
Plato
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.
Maya Angelou
Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
George Bernard Shaw
One may walk over the highest mountain one step at a time.
John Wanamaker
You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.
Mike Murdock
Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.
Henry Ford
It’s not who you think you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not.
Unknown
If doubt is challenging you and you do not act, doubts will grow. Challenge the doubts with action and you will grow. Doubt and action are incompatible.
John Kanary
Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.
Mark Victor Hansen
Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.
Denis Waitley
Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.
Norman Vincent Peale
You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change.
Les Brown
When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
Dr. Robert Anthony
If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.
Jack Dixon
Quite often we change our jobs, friends and spouses instead of changing ourselves.
Akbarali H. Jetha
You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.
Mike Murdock
If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.
John Maxwell
All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.
Wayne Dyer
There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
Dr. Denis Waitley
Choice, not chance, determines destiny.
E.C. McKenzie
Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work.
H. L. Hunt
There are only two options regarding commitment; you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in-between.
Pat Riley
There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.
Unknown
Stay committed to your decisions; but stay flexible in your approach.
Tony Robbins
Courage is a resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.
Mark Twain
The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.
William Jennings Bryan
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
Thomas Jefferson
No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, positively do have the power to change.
Bill Phillips
Monday, April 2, 2012
Excuses, Excuses
Almost 2 weeks ago now I decided to stop bull-shitting myself, stop with the excuses, and if I was unhappy with something in my life that I needed to stop complaining about it and change it. Boy, I don't think I ever realized how many excuses I have for myself in one given day. I read a quote (don't know who said it or if this is it exactly) that said something to the effect of "If you are still making excuses for your actions, then you aren't ready to change them". Boy, it's really hard to be brutally honest with yourself, that's probably why so many people are not! I keep reminding myself that things usually get worse before they get better, but this has turned into much more than just about "letting myself go", which I guess shouldn't surprise me. Being overweight is rarely as simple as liking cake too much, although I do like me some cake (obvs). It would be like saying a drug addict just likes getting high, or an alcoholic just likes to drink. Ya it's as "simple" as not overeating, and exercising; or it's as "simple" as just quit doing drugs or drinking alcohol. Simple doesn't mean EASY! It's never easy to make big changes in your life, and if you want them to be permanent changes, you have to put the work in, no matter what that change is (wow, how many times can I say 'change' in one sentence?).
I will blog a full report of my losses on May 1st, whether or not they are stupendous or humbling. I took all my measurements, as well as my body fat % on March 31st, and have been tracking my weight since day 1. I am excited to have this accountability. No matter how few people read this is irrelevant, the fact that it's out there makes me feel a certain extra motivation, which I need.
Tonight I will make no excuses for why I can't go for a run. Tonight I WILL run, just like the other nights I said I will and have. Tonight I will push a little harder, and tomorrow I will be glad I did.
I will blog a full report of my losses on May 1st, whether or not they are stupendous or humbling. I took all my measurements, as well as my body fat % on March 31st, and have been tracking my weight since day 1. I am excited to have this accountability. No matter how few people read this is irrelevant, the fact that it's out there makes me feel a certain extra motivation, which I need.
Tonight I will make no excuses for why I can't go for a run. Tonight I WILL run, just like the other nights I said I will and have. Tonight I will push a little harder, and tomorrow I will be glad I did.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Starting Over
We all have our struggles. Mine is my weight. I've been fit, fat, fit, fatter, pregnant, fat, semi-fit, fat, pregnant again, and once again still fat (and probably a few more fits and fats in between). Not like it's a secret, anyone who can see me can see it. I miss being fit very much. Guess what though? It's hard, and I'm kind of lazy, and that's just the truth. I'm sick of it though; sick of feeling self conscious and unhappy with myself, sick of wearing baggy clothes and never feeling I look nice, sick of feeling so incredibly out of shape, sick of not being able to keep up with my (almost) 3 year old.
I decided, about a week ago, this just simply has to stop. I have decades ahead of me, if I'm lucky, I don't want to spend them miserable in my own body. I want to live a long life, I don't want my last years of life to be spent sick because of the choices I've made. There are only a few things we have control of in our lives, our body (uncontrollable illness, and disease aside, of course) is one of them, and our mind (mental illness, etc., aside) is the other. When I really think about it, it makes little sense that I ensure I stay miserable. To hell with that! So I decided I'd put it out there, to hold myself accountable, and to share my journey with anyone that it might help.
So, here we go!
I decided, about a week ago, this just simply has to stop. I have decades ahead of me, if I'm lucky, I don't want to spend them miserable in my own body. I want to live a long life, I don't want my last years of life to be spent sick because of the choices I've made. There are only a few things we have control of in our lives, our body (uncontrollable illness, and disease aside, of course) is one of them, and our mind (mental illness, etc., aside) is the other. When I really think about it, it makes little sense that I ensure I stay miserable. To hell with that! So I decided I'd put it out there, to hold myself accountable, and to share my journey with anyone that it might help.
So, here we go!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The Things We Do For Our Kids
Every Tuesday I take Emma to Story Time (sponsored by First Things First) at our local library. This particular one is specifically for kids ages 2 to 3, but there are always kids younger and older than that. Parents (or whoever the kid is with) are required to stay in there with their kid. There is a different letter of focus every week, and there are stories that revolve around subjects that begin with the letter of the week (today was L and the stories were about Lady Bugs). There are little songs and dances in between the stories, then at the end they blow bubbles for the kids to run around a pop. Emma loves it! For me it's a half hour of pure unadulterated HELL! Oh dear GOD how I HATE it. I dread it, I dread it alllll week long. Tuesdays when I wake up I think to myself, oh shit it's story time day. The best time of the whole week is right after it's over because I know it's the furthest away from the next story time that I will ever get.
Why do I hate it so much? I'm sure you are wondering how bad could it really be!? It's bad. First of all, bless her heart, the story time lady's voice is nerve grinding! She sort of condescending too; whatever story time lady, you think you're better than me!?!?! But that's not even really what's so bad, it's just the cherry on top of the horribly annoying and worst 30 minutes of my entire week. It's the other parents, and it's the other "children". Yes children is in quotations because sometimes I wonder if they are children or Satan incarnate. I know that these types of things are just beginning in my life, and that I'm in for many years to come of crap like this, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. This is one of those things I'm going to keep in my arsenal and remind her of when she doesn't want to take me in when I'm old and senile.
Why do I hate it so much? I'm sure you are wondering how bad could it really be!? It's bad. First of all, bless her heart, the story time lady's voice is nerve grinding! She sort of condescending too; whatever story time lady, you think you're better than me!?!?! But that's not even really what's so bad, it's just the cherry on top of the horribly annoying and worst 30 minutes of my entire week. It's the other parents, and it's the other "children". Yes children is in quotations because sometimes I wonder if they are children or Satan incarnate. I know that these types of things are just beginning in my life, and that I'm in for many years to come of crap like this, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. This is one of those things I'm going to keep in my arsenal and remind her of when she doesn't want to take me in when I'm old and senile.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
29
With my birthday just 2 days away and as I enter the final year of my 20's I feel like it's a good time to reflect.
I don't much care about age, seeing as how my husband (Jason) is 11 and a half years older than me proves that. However, I remember crying when I turned 20 because I was no longer a teenager. I also spent my 20th birthday in Steubenville, which probably added to my tears. I'm finding that going into the last year of my 20's I'm not really all that hung up and being so close to 30.
I spent most of the first half of my 20th year at the Franciscan University of Steubenville, Steubenville and I never got along. I met Jason just before my 21st birthday while going to school to get our personal training certifications, and shortly thereafter we began dating. We married right before I turned 24, bought our house when I was 25, finished my bachelors degree and had our first baby when I was 26, and of course are expecting our 2nd (and final) child this year, my 29th year. I'm certain tons more happened these past 9 years, but these are the milestones my pregnancy brain is allowing me to remember at this time.
I definitely feel as thought I have spend my 20's building my life, building our lives. Seeing the end of this decade coming almost feels like a relief, like now I can finally sit back and enjoy this life. Sure, it's not done being built really, but the foundation is certainly done.
Life will always be filled with trouble, unknowns, curve balls, and all that jazz, but I think the 30's will hold much more stability than my 20's did. I would never call myself an expert at life, but compared to what I knew 9 years ago I do feel much more prepared for what life has to throw at me. I know I'm much more jaded than I was, I tend to trust less and question more. It's sad, in a way, to lose that naivety. I'm glad I have little 2 year old to remind me that life can be innocent and fun. I'm glad I have a little baby in my belly kicking away reminding me that life begins so quietly and simply.
I don't much care about age, seeing as how my husband (Jason) is 11 and a half years older than me proves that. However, I remember crying when I turned 20 because I was no longer a teenager. I also spent my 20th birthday in Steubenville, which probably added to my tears. I'm finding that going into the last year of my 20's I'm not really all that hung up and being so close to 30.
I spent most of the first half of my 20th year at the Franciscan University of Steubenville, Steubenville and I never got along. I met Jason just before my 21st birthday while going to school to get our personal training certifications, and shortly thereafter we began dating. We married right before I turned 24, bought our house when I was 25, finished my bachelors degree and had our first baby when I was 26, and of course are expecting our 2nd (and final) child this year, my 29th year. I'm certain tons more happened these past 9 years, but these are the milestones my pregnancy brain is allowing me to remember at this time.
I definitely feel as thought I have spend my 20's building my life, building our lives. Seeing the end of this decade coming almost feels like a relief, like now I can finally sit back and enjoy this life. Sure, it's not done being built really, but the foundation is certainly done.
Life will always be filled with trouble, unknowns, curve balls, and all that jazz, but I think the 30's will hold much more stability than my 20's did. I would never call myself an expert at life, but compared to what I knew 9 years ago I do feel much more prepared for what life has to throw at me. I know I'm much more jaded than I was, I tend to trust less and question more. It's sad, in a way, to lose that naivety. I'm glad I have little 2 year old to remind me that life can be innocent and fun. I'm glad I have a little baby in my belly kicking away reminding me that life begins so quietly and simply.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Already Overwhelmed
Little by little it is sinking in that I will have a second baby in just a few months. The taking care of the baby part doesn't intimidate me, it's the taking care of the baby plus taking care of a toddler part that scares me. To add on, I'm terrible about housework. I'm not being humble, and I'm not one of those people who just can't be satisfied so I just think I'm not good at it. . . I'm just really not good at it! If I were the blaming type I'd blame my mom because she never gave us chores, or if she did it was totally random and she never made us stick to it. She cooked and cleaned and was a stay at home mom, she did everything for us. While I am indeed the most functional of my siblings I am still pretty lame at some things.
When some people say "the house is a mess", what they really mean is that there are some toys on the floor, or they haven't vacuumed that day and there's a few dishes in the sink. When I say it, it means it is really a mess, hasn't been dusted or vacuumed in weeks, all the dishes are in the sink, cobwebs in the corners, kitchen table in unusable, kitchen counter is covered in mail and other various crap and basically that it is an actual MESS!
I love being a stay at home mom, and although I do work kind of part time (for now) I still consider myself a stay at home mom. The mom part I'm good at (although I know I could be better), but the housekeeping part I suck at completely. I want to be better. I'm worried though. I'm having such a hard time cleaning the room that will be the baby's. I have so much I need to do before he gets here. I'm starting to get overwhelmed, which really really scares me! If I'm overwhelmed now, how in the hell am I going to feel once he's here.
When some people say "the house is a mess", what they really mean is that there are some toys on the floor, or they haven't vacuumed that day and there's a few dishes in the sink. When I say it, it means it is really a mess, hasn't been dusted or vacuumed in weeks, all the dishes are in the sink, cobwebs in the corners, kitchen table in unusable, kitchen counter is covered in mail and other various crap and basically that it is an actual MESS!
I love being a stay at home mom, and although I do work kind of part time (for now) I still consider myself a stay at home mom. The mom part I'm good at (although I know I could be better), but the housekeeping part I suck at completely. I want to be better. I'm worried though. I'm having such a hard time cleaning the room that will be the baby's. I have so much I need to do before he gets here. I'm starting to get overwhelmed, which really really scares me! If I'm overwhelmed now, how in the hell am I going to feel once he's here.
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