"You are not flawed, you are normal"

It's like the heavens opened up and the angels started to sing.

THIS blog is awesome.  THIS post is awesome.

This ideal, this body, that so many of us (not all, don't let me put words in anyone's mouth) chase isn't always physically possible.  This "perfect" size 2 or size 0, undimpled, smooth, blemishless, stretch mark free body, well the reality of it is that there are probably only a few people who actually have it without photoshop.  I will never have it, and there's nothing wrong with me for it.  I'm not NOT beautiful because of any of these things.  And if someone out there disagrees, who the F cares!?  You can't be everyone's ideal of beauty, wouldn't want to be because I am not here to be an object of desire for every douchey tool walking down the street.

I'm having these epiphanies left and right.  I don't have to be the smallest I can possibly get, eat as little as I can get away with without feeling like crap.  What do I want?  I want to be strong and feel good, and I am and I do, so I just have to keep going this same way.  I have this idea in my mind that I can't be happy until XYZ, NO!  That's ridiculous, I can be happy with my body now.  I get into the thinking "When my stomach looks like that, or when my legs look like this, THEN I can be happy", that's not a good or healthy way to look at myself.

This may seem like no-brainer stuff, or things I've already talked about, but it's like realizing it, REALLY realizing it is new to me.  The ideal, my friends, is to be healthy, love your body, and love yourself.  There's a way to accept yourself as you are, while still working to improve your fitness and overall health.  It isn't one or the other.  This is big stuff for me.

Cliche as it may be, the media perpetuates a message that women should be ashamed and embarassed of their bodies if there are any flaws.  They probably weren't considered flaws until the media decided they were.  I won't be one of those women, anymore, who longs to have that ideal body, I already have it.  MY body, which carried two children for 9 months each, labored and gave birth twice, has always done what I've asked it to, I'm allowed to love it NOW and not be ashamed of any of it.

This is a big deal

Whenever I feel like I have it all together, I know that it won't be long before I find myself in a heap.

I made a mistake.  I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode.  I'm not up for it physically or mentally.  I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds.  But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on!  I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous!  This stops now.  I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories.  That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is.  Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.

And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off.  It gets kind of miserable sometimes.  I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully.  I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough.  Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting.  Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better!    This has to stop.  It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now.  There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within. 

I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else.  Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good.  If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.

New Running Record & Other Things

I ran 10 miles last night.  Last week I had gone out planning to run 5 miles and felt great and made it just a tad under 8 and a half miles.  I hadn't brought anything with me but my phone (for music), and thought I could have probably gone further if I'd had water.  So this time I strapped on my water belt.  That thing has just never worked right for me.  I've only worn it about 4 times, and each time I regretted it.  I set out last night and was miserable for the first 4.5 miles because of the godforsaken belt.  I ended up saying screw it, downed the water, and tossed the damn thing in a garbage can near a bus stop; least regretted $30 I've ever thrown away, I knew I wasn't going to make it all 10 miles with that belt on.  The next 5.5 miles were awesome!  I need to get one of those hand held bottles, I can't do a belt.

Going to take another maintenance break for a week or two.  I just can't eat in a deficit like I used to, I don't know if it's mental or physical or bother, but it sucks.  Maybe I can do like 3 weeks on 2 weeks off or some other variation of off/on. 

Today I just wanna eat like crap and baby my poor poor knees.

I love running.  I love running in that I have always hated running and now I've made running my bitch.  I will do a marathon one of these days, hell maybe I'll do the one in January.  At this point I know I could probably go out  next week and do a half marathon. 

Anyway, another one of my radom filled blog posts where you get to see just how all over the place my thoughts are.

Am I really a "fit" person?!

A person can look fit and not be fit, just as a person can be fit without looking fit.  Ok, obvious statement I suppose.  But am I both?  When can I say "I'm in good shape", and have it mean both looks-wise PLUS physically?

Let's look at the evidence to determine the answer, shall we?  Fitness-wise:  I can run a pretty long distance, I can lift pretty heavy weights, my endurance is pretty high, my strength is pretty good.  Physically: I have some muscles that show, I'm well into the "normal" weight category BMI-wise, my body fat is a respectable level, my pant size would indicate that I'm normal to (dare I say) small-ish.  PLUS I'm still working at getting better in every area!

So the evidence points to the answer being yes, I'm fit/in shape in pretty much any way a person can look at it.  Why, then, is it so hard for me to see myself that way? 

I'm nowhere near fitness model status of course, not close to being an elite athlete, not the thinnest, not the lowest body fat, not the strongest, but I can still be a fit person without being the BEST can't I?  I get caught up in comparing myself to others.  If someone is fittER than me, than I must not be fit.  If someone can run faster, further, longer, then I must not be that good.  If someone can lift more, I must be pretty weak.  That is a ridiculous way of thinking isn't it?  Because someone else is MORE of, or BETTER at, whatever, that means I can't be that thing.

If I do something physically that surprises me or that I'm impressed by, I quickly brush it off as a fluke.  If I take a good picture where I look pretty decent, I tell myself it's the angle/lighting/outfit/pose.  Why!?  Why do I rob myself of any credit I am due?  Why do I find it so scary to be able to say "I'm in good shape.  I look really good."  Because I feel like someone will come along and be like, um no, not at all, and then I'll feel stupid.  And what if that DID happen?  One person's opinion means nothing.  Anyone else's opinion means nothing, really, just my opinion of myself.

Ok, so I got that all out, so here it goes. . .

I'm fit.  I'm in great shape.  I look amazing.  And not just compared to my former-fat-self, not just compared to other mommies of 2, not just compared to XYZ, but overall and in general with no disclaimer or caveat!  SO THERE!

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Warrior Dash

It was awesome!!!!  Was able to run the whole way, even though it was hot as hell here in Phoenix this weekend.  Our wave time was at 2:30, so like the worst part of the day.  I'm pretty beat up today, bruises and scratches, but overall I'm thrilled with how I did.

Results: Time 42:37.60, top 11% for my age range, top 25% overall. Little disappointed with the time, but happy with where I placed!  Have to keep in mind it takes extra time to go through all the obstacles.

This was my first race ever and I'm totally hooked!

After getting cleaned up, kinda.

Me and Jason

Race Shirts

Today is a good day

I hit that elusive 100 pound mark yesterday (YAY!!!!).

My husband and I are signed up to run the Warrior Dash this coming Saturday, which I'm very excited (and nervous) about.

I'm in amazing shape, the very best I've ever been!  I'm healthy and I'm fit.

AND, I feel good about myself today. And I should.  And I'm pledging right here right now that I will NOT do anything to kill this feeling.  I usually do, I seek out something that inevitably makes me feel awful.  Not today.  Today I am allowing myself to feel good, to feel amazing.

1 year apart pics

Found a year apart picture I'm willing to share (I've posted last year's Easter pic before on my blog as I don't have many pics of me heavy because I avoided the camera).  I was already losing weight in the pic on the left and it was technically the Thursday before last Easter, 4/4/12, I was probably around 210-211 pounds, so not my highest weight.  Pic on the right is from yesterday 4/2/13 (technically neither pic was taken on Easter day, but almost exactly 1 year apart).  So like 210 lbs vs 140 lbs, give or take a pound.

Easter 2012 vs. Easter 2013

1 Year Losses, Happy Easter, New Goals (again)

1st of all, Happy Easter.  A few things:  Peeps are the toddler equivalent of Meth, that's my theory anyway.  No peeps ever again.  Somehow we lost an egg, praying one of the dogs swiped and ate it.  Went through McDonald's drive through early and just got a diet soda and black coffee (note to self, when we run out of coffee go get some immediately because it's no fun to realize there's no coffee left at 5:30am). 

2nd of all, I've decided to start losing again.  I'm in a much better place than I was 2 months ago and I'm ready to get these last lbs off.

3rd of all, today marks 1 year since I was brave enough to take my 1st set of measurements and pictures.  I won't be posting those pics, maybe ever, not sure.  But I will share the stats (won't bore you with ALLLLL my sites, just the main ones):

3/31/12 vs 3/31/13
weight 211.6 vs 139.2
body fat 40.8% vs 24.3%
neck 14.25 vs 11.5
upper arm 15 vs 10
bust 45.75 vs 36
under bust 39 vs 31.25
waist (4/30/12) 38 vs 28
hips 47.75 vs 34.75
butt 46 vs 35.75
upper thigh 27.75 vs 21
calf 15 vs 13

My 1 year weight-loss-iversary

1 year ago today I stepped on the scale and saw 219.8.  Though I had just had a baby the end of December, concluding my pregnancy at a whopping 236 pounds, by the end of January I was down to 207.  So I had GAINED weight (again), and that 219.8 was ALL me and officially my highest non-pregnancy weight, and it put me well into the obese category.  It was a Thursday, and I truly was just sick of being overweight.  I made the decision to change that day, no waiting until Monday, or the 1st of the month.  I was tired of making excuses for myself, tired of being out of shape, tired of feeling I looked awful, tired of looking sloppy in baggy clothes trying to hide my ever-growing body.  I didn't want to be wearing maternity clothes 3 months postpartum.  I didn't want to be swiping my husband's t-shirts because mine didn't fit, and having them still be tight.  I didn't want to avoid getting on the floor to play with my kids because it was hard to get up afterwards, or be sitting on the sidelines at the park because it was too hard to play.  I didn't want to make up excuses not to get together with people because I was embarrassed of my weight.  I didn't want to grab a pair of size 18 jeans out of my closet thinking they'd be baggy and have them be too tight to even button.  I was feeling horrible about myself in just about every way possible.  And something just clicked, or snapped, depending on how you look at it.  Like, why in the heck was I allowing myself to be so miserable in a body I had full control over!?  All of a sudden I just realized how it was so ridiculous to wallow in self pity over something I could change!  So I told myself, either be one of those people who is happy being fat and come to terms with the fact that I am making myself unhealthy and almost certainly shortening my life, or. . . change!!!  I was already knowledgeable about nutrition, fitness, weight loss, lifting, you name it, just had to apply it.   And truly it was as simple as that.  Simple, though it certainly hasn't been easy! 

The scary thing is that I look back at pictures of myself at my heaviest and it really and truly shocks me!  I knew I was big, I felt big, but I didn't feel I looked as big as I was in reality.  I have kind of the exact opposite problem now -- I feel bigger than I actually look.  I will see a picture of myself and be surprised (pleasantly); I've seen my own reflection out places and TWICE thought it was someone else, someone skinny, wearing my exact same clothes and feeling irritated they looked better than me, then realizing it WAS me.  My entire life has changed over the past year, lots and lots of good ways, some not-so-good (losing this much weight is a head trip).  Losing weight doesn't solve all of your problems that's for sure, sometimes it causes new ones.  I definitely wouldn't trade back though, not for a second.

I'm literally in the best shape of my life, better than when I was a trainer.  Pictures of myself that I used to look at longingly, when I was obese, and think that I would never be that "skinny" again, I'm smaller than that now, smaller and more fit than I've ever been.  I'm stronger, I'm faster, I'm better looking (well, it's true).  I feel bad that I wasted years obese, thinking it was just the way I was now.  The best and most empowering thing I've learned in the past year is that if you want something, you freaking go get it!  This is the ONLY life we get (well, depending on if you  believe in reincarnation), and it's a damn shame to go through it not being exactly who you want to be.

My best advice, weight loss or otherwise, don't waste another SECOND being anything other than what you want to be.  Go DO IT, and go do it NOW!


Starting weight 3/22/12: 220
Current weight 3/22/13: 139 (maintaining weight flux between 137-141)

Starting BMI: 35.5
Current BMI: 22.4

Starting Body Fat%: >44%
Current Body Fat%: ~23-25%

Starting pant size: 20 solid
Current pant size: 4s, 6s, 7s, 9s (depending on brand)

Starting shirt size: XL-XXL
Current shirt size : M

Neat-O

I found a new blog I'm in love with!  A friend of mine linked an entry over on MFP and I got hooked.  I tried a workout setup she had posted about (the goal of having a Muscular and Feminine Physique), and it was AWESOME, kicked my ass.  She posted about doing 20 mins of strength at the beginning when your strongest (makes sense), then doing MRT (Metabolic Resistance Training) so you can get your cardio without doing cardio, then following it up with a Finisher (BLOG HERE).  Here's what I did:

Strength:

Pull Up Negatives:  4 sets of 3.  2 mins rest between sets.

Cleans: 3 sets of 3: 65 lbs.  2 mins rest between sets.

High Pulls: 3 sets of 3: 65 lbs.  2 mins rest between sets.

(Panned to do 5 sets of Cleans, but I'm still new to them and struggling with form and needed to do some High Pulls instead to practice that part of the movement.)


MRT:

Incline Dumbbell Bench Presss: 25 lbs

Rear Lunge with Kettlebell: 35 lbs (1 kb)

Rolling Planks

Bent Over Barbell Row: 45 lbs

Jump Squats

All 8 reps, 15-30 seconds between exercises, 1-2 min reset between rounds, 3 rounds.  (HOLY HELL IT WAS HARD)

Finisher:

Kettlebell Swings: 25 lbs

15-20 reps on the minute, every minute, for 8 minutes.  (DEATH!!!!!!!!!)



The whole thing took exactly an hour.  It was fun, never got bored, was very challenging.  I got to keep my strength stuff, which I LOVE, but got in some cardio without doing cardio (which was AMAZING).


This is my 8th week, and I'm excited to be starting something a little different, but still be able to continue working on what I have been!

Radom updates

I'm in my 7th week of maintenance.  7th consecutive week of lifting.  Ups and downs, figuratively and literally.  Still going between 137.2 and 141.8.  Been having lots of great days, some not-so-great days.  Some days I feel really wonderful about the way I look, some days I wanna hide in baggy clothes and can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.  All pretty "normal", I'd say.

I got a wild hair and went for an outside run this past Friday.  It was cool out, a little overcast.  About a mile in the weather turned, super windy, got cold, barely made it home before it started pouring, cold cold rain.  It was a great run.  One of those where I felt like I could go forever.  Was a little disappointed I was driven home by the weather, but I made it exactly 5k, which felt pretty amazing considering I have only run a handful of times in the past months.  Boy I loathe being cold, especially being blindsided by it.  I impressed myself that I didn't start running home the second it started getting windy.  Win for me.

My lifting is going very well.  I'm progressing weekly.  Upping weights, getting stronger, working my way towards a pull up.  Still enjoying it very much.  Well, most of the time.  Last night's workout was a struggle.  I was tired and whiny and wanted to skip it, but I knew I'd regret that so I did it anyway.  Wasn't one of my best workouts, but it was sure as heck better than none at all. 

Still struggling with, and working on, not weighing so often.  I made it 2 and a half days a couple days ago.  That's a record! 

On another random note, found out I have diastatis recti.  Makes a lot of sense.  I noticed something strange months and months ago, it has gotten better since then, but nice to know what it is.  Only about a finger width (maybe tiny bit more) now.

I'm in a weird frame of mind right now and have all kinds of things I'm pondering.  Should I try and lose some more?  Eat in a small deficit daily?  Eat in a medium deficit on non-workout days and maintenance on workout days?   Try Intermittent Fasting again?  If so do I start eating later, or cut of eating earlier?  If I cut off eating earlier that may hinder my workouts that are usually at 7pm, so do I try and hold off on breakfast?  I'm usually cranky if I don't eat in the morning, would that get better eventually?  If so would it be worth it in the short term being cranky until I AM used to it?  Should I start trying to add cardio back in more often?  Or just when the mood strikes?  Will my midsection ever look decent?  Should I count calories again for a while?  Should I focus on macros again?

Another random thing, I want to start doing yoga.

See, I'm all over the place. 

Not DREADING Summer

Wow I really need to clean the mirror!

So, living in Phoenix, summer last from St. Patrick's Day until about Halloween.  That's a long ass summer.  And it's freaking hot, dry heat or not.  I've lived in Phoenix all my life, with the exception of about 6 months in Prescott as a child, and 2 semesters in Ohio when I was 19/20.  Summers here suck, there's no question about it.  It's a trade off for the really super awesome winters we have (I HATE snow, and Phoenix respects that).  Anyway, I can't even remember the last time, maybe since I was a small kid, that I wore actual summer clothes.  I have typically just kept up my jeans and t-shirts, at most some capris and jeans are a freaking death trap in the summer.  But not THIS summer.  This summer I'm dressing nice and cool.

I'm already stocking up on skirts (thift shop find in the pic, $3 Gap skirt , size SMALL, ha!  Gap you SO vanity size!) and will have to get some shorts.  It's FUN!  It feels kind of amazing!  I'm actually starting to think WOW I kind of have some decent legs, and my arms are firming up nicely.  It's such a very very weird feeling to start actually liking my body.  I've noticed a change just in the last 5 weeks that I've been lifting consistently.

No real point to this post aside from just being excited!

5 weeks in

Ahhhh, that's better, my blog needed a facelift.  The orange was starting to annoy me.

Anyhow.  I got my 3rd workout in, for the week, yesterday -- which completed and my 5th consecutive week of lifting.  I'm really amazed at the progress I've made.  I'm for sure more fit than I've ever been in my life, and most definitely the strongest I've ever been as well.  I feel like I'm making tons of progress in that area.  I've been successfully maintaining my weight for 5 weeks as well, basically eating whatever, and not counting calories for a while now.  My diet has been decent at best, crappy at worst, so I'm venturing into some experimentation with that.  I feel really good overall, but I've noticed ebbs and flows of lethargy and just dragginess; I'm sure a lot of it has to do with drinking energy drinks and diet soda I've gotten back into drinking, hmmm, the fast food probably doesn't help either.  I'm cutting those out, and for now I'm seeing what it's like to exclude wheat.  I, personally, don't have anything against wheat, I'm not gluten intolerant or anything.  There's so much out right now about the "evils" of wheat, I just kind of want to see if there's anything to that.  I eat quite a bit of wheat on a typical day, so it was definitely missed yesterday, but it went well.  I ate a lot more veggies and some fruit, kind of just naturally, as to replace the spots where wheat would usually be.  I'm certainly not trying to do low carb right now; I still ate rice, and quite a few very starchy veggies, plus fruit.  Mainly just trying to eat more whole foods and just clean up my diet as a whole.  I'd love to be one of those clean eating fanatics!  I don't necessarily see that happening, but smalls steps right!?

WOW, MARCH!

March is kind of a big deal for me.  Last March (March 22nd to be exact) was when I started this whole thing.  I've been at this just a few weeks shy of an entire YEAR.  That's pretty huge.  This wasn't my first go around with weight loss, which has made it easier AND more difficult.  I've been very worried about regaining, as people who lose weight often are, but I'm definitely starting to feel more confident that I've made actual life changes and not just simple dropped a bunch of weight.  I have many goals aside from simply being thin (which I still don't consider myself), and I believe that helps me quite a bit.  I've decided to see a counselor to try and work through, and gain tools, to aid me in overcoming some returning bad habits and thought patterns I have.  I've successfully maintained for nearly 5 weeks now, and while for some that may seem like no big deal I've never been able to maintain after losing.  I'm either losing or gaining, or fighting with one or the other.

I did my measurements and took my official weight and body fat percentage yesterday as I do at the end of every month.  I was pretty happy with the results.  Weight stable (down 1.4 lbs from the month before), down a couple inches here and there, put on a quarter inch in my upper arms/lower shoulders area (muscle baby), down a half percent of body fat.  Pretty decent.  The only slight disappointment is that none of the inches lost were from my mid-section, which is basically the only place I feel I have any significant amount of fat left to lose.

New, and continued, focuses:  Lifting!!!  Getting stronger!  Maintenance.  Going to experiment with my diet a little bit so see how my body reacts.  My husband and I have always talked about aiming for more of a whole foods diet, which is ideal of course.  It's a difficult transition for many reasons; cost being one, food prep being another, and just overall change is HARD.  So we've decided to go at it in a sensible and slow way (hard for me, I have a hard time doing things gradually).  We decided to start by cutting out highly processed products, including wheat products and staying away from refined sugars and anything with added corn products (with the exception of the protein powders we recently bought and the protein bars we recently bought).  This isn't necessarily a permanent change as I just can't see never having bread again, but I'm interested to see if I feel any different because I do eat a lot of these types of things.  Next will be artificial sweeteners.  That one makes me cringe.  The thing is though, I know I will feel better, it's hard cutting out vices!  But I'm trying to look at it more like an experiment.  I've never attempted any kind of diet tweaks unless I was trying to lose weight, so doing it purely for health, I feel, may give me a different perspective.

Kind of a rambly, all over the place, post, but just getting my thoughts out.

Strength

I'd say that I'm getting pretty into the whole lifting and strength thing.  I, just in the past several weeks, have started doing things like deadlifts, cleans, pull ups (negatives, obvs can't do the real thing yet).  These are all things I've NEVER done before, even though I have a fair bit of experience with weight training, until now I've stayed away from anything that intimidated me.  I'll tell ya though, nothing makes you feel like a bad ass quite like lifting heavy things.  I'm kind of addicted!  It's thrilling to be able to progress each workout.  I was able to deadlift 100 pounds last night for two sets of three after warming up with lower weight.  I did some cleans, dumbbell incline bench, and barbell rows too.  I felt super strong.  Got me wondering though, what's the standard of strength for women in the bigger lifts. 

If you've read my blog at all before this post you'll know I'm into the numbers.  Sometimes it's purely for comparison's sake, sometimes it's because I'm goal oriented and need the numbers to shoot for.  Since I'm maintaining now, my number focus has been kind of cut off.  I like having that focus though, and now I've found new numbers to focus on!  So after my huge feat of strength last night (ha!) I decided to try and find some sort of numbers out there that say what "strong" is for a woman, on various lifts.  And guess what!?  There are people out there who have put together a nice little chart for my viewing pleasure.  I actually found a couple, but this one is my favorite CHART (thought I like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE as well, the first is more pleasing to my eyeballs).  These number are based on a max, not several reps and sets, so I'm probably in the novice range for most (which makes sense since I JUST started doing these lifts), though you better bet I'll be finding out!  It's just nice to have something to work toward!

Feeling Good

If I'd have blogged yesterday it would have had a much different tone (bad day), but today I'm feeling rather chipper.

I officially completed week 4 of lifting 3 days a week!  AND we got our barbell yesterday.  We had bought one at Walmart that was just crappy; it was 3 pieces and I don't know if it was defective or just a total piece of crap but I returned it and ordered the other off of Amazon, free shipping, and it came super fast.  It's awesome.  PLUS we found an cool little store called Sport and Fitness Exchange and bought four 25 pound plates.  They sell plates for just $.50 a lb!  They had a bunch of stuff.  I'm going to keep my eye out for a Spin bike.  We already have so much stuff, it's a good investment to continue to build our collection.

In other news, I cancelled my gym membership.  I'm loving lifting at home.  We have MORE than enough stuff, plus my in-laws who live on the next street (as I mentioned before) have even more weight, Olympic bars, plus a squat rack.  I'm set.  Cardio is easy to come by; run out side, do a dvd, jump around, whatever!  I wasn't utilizing the gym enough to justify the payment and I told myself if I worked out at home consistently for a month that proved I didn't need the gym.  Jason is training me, and I have enjoyed my workouts more in the past month than I ever have.  It's nice not having to plan it out or thing about it.  I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life, and I didn't need a gym to do it.

Still haven't been counting calories but my weight has been holding steady between 138.4  and 139.8 for the past week.  Not too shabby!  I'm anxious to see how my measurements are on Thursday.  I'm not expecting much of a change, but we will see!

Been a while

Not much to report.

I'm in week 4 of consistently lifting.  That feels really good, and I'm enjoying lifting heavier, lower reps.  I'm able to increase my weight almost every time.  It's pretty awesome feeling strong.

Cardio, meh.  Didn't do but maybe once last week, none this week so far.  Unless you count the housework and chasing after the kids.

Had been counting calories, but I do get sick of it easily.  Been maintaining my weight between about 138 and 141.  If I see a reason to return to counting I will.

I had an NSV yesterday.  I bought a new skirt (well, new to me, I got it for $4 at Goodwill -- looked brand new, from Old Navy).  I bought a new dress 2 weeks ago (new, new for real), but didn't notice what I noticed  yesterday. . . No chub rub!  Man, this summer is going to be so much cooler than the summers of the past.  I haven't worn anything but jeans and t-shirts during the summers forever and ever.  Now I can wear skirts, dresses, tanks and shorts!?  Ok, yes I realize I COULD have worn them before, but I wasn't comfortable doing so.

I'm still struggling with feeling fat and feeling like I need to lose more weight.  But I'm really trying to be patient with the lifting.  If NOTHING else this will be a very nice break and IF I decided to go back into a calorie deficit and shoot to lose more, maybe my body will respond more readily after this maintenance break.

Little update

I'm holding strong in maintenance.  Been hovering between 137.6 and 140.6 -- today weighed in at 138.8.  Ya, you read that right, I weighed.  I have been, I only made it that ONE day without.  I am disappointed in myself in some ways, but I've been dealing with quite a lot and apparently just can't handle not weighing.  One thing at a time I suppose.   

I did well through all 3 of Jason's birthday celebration (I'm talking 3 separate cakes, fried chicken, potato salad, steaks, burgers, hot dogs, fries, baked potatoes, doritos etc etc).  I did go over calories all 3 times but not grossly; was able to do a tad of a deficit in the days following (meaning I ate 2000 on workout days instead of the allotted 2250-2300) to offset it.

I've been doing GREAT with my workouts!  I'm 2 weeks in and haven't missed a workout yet.  I'm feeling great, physically!  I feel strong and am really enjoying lifting, and since my cardio days are just 30 minutes, those aren't too bad either.

The mental part has been more of a struggle, and it's a work in progress.  The last 2 weeks have done me a lot of good.  I've been able to see that eating a normal amount doesn't mean steady weight gain.  I've been able to prove to myself that I can see a difference in my body through working out even with no loss on the scale.

Also, I found a new hero!!!  Here is her Tumblr.  WOWOWOWOWOW!  That is exactly what I'd love to look like.  She's such a bad ass and so strong. 

I did it, I did it, I did it YAY! Lo hice, I did it, HOORAY!

For anyone who reads this that is familiar with Dora the Explorer, that title should be sung like the "We did it" song.  You're welcome!

I DID NOT weight myself today. WOOOOO!!!!  It was almost too easy this morning though.  I was ASS tired because I went to sleep at 10:30pm (late for me), my daughter woke at 12:15am and by the time I got her settled down my son woke and was then up until 3am, then I had to wake up for work at 5am.  So about 3 and a half hours of sleep.  I was within my calorie range yesterday but was in the mood for junk food so I indulged in McDonald's for lunch and Pizza for dinner.  It was really nice, actually, to be able to eat greasy crap food and get full and still be within calorie range!  2250 calories is A LOT!  I love it!

Got my nice intense cardio session in last night too, weights tonight.

Today is my husband's birthday and I always make him a red velvet cake with homemade whipped cream for frosting/icing (what's the diff between the 2 btw?), and he requested fried chicken for dinner.  This could get tricky!  But I'll try and roll with the punches!

Suck suck suckity suck

Replace all S's with F's and that's the general idea!  GAH!  I couldn't even make it ONE day!  I weighed myself this morning.  This needs to STOP!!!  I stand by my goal of not weighing, I guess I will try a new approach tomorrow, like putting the scales in a steel treasure box wrapped with chains and locked with 45 locks each key given to a different peron who will swallow them, then drop the box in a canal.  I cannot convince myself that the scale doesn't matter if I insist on weighing myself every day because then obviously I consider it to matter very much if I can't even freaking go ONE day without weighing.  I'm so frustrated with myself! 

ANYWAY!  I had a GREAT workout last night.  I was able to go up in weight on everything and I felt like a super bad ass afterwards.  I went a tad over on my calories yesterday, but honestly it doesn't matter.  I believe this is why I had a hard time fighting the urge to weigh in this morning.  I wanted to see if that 150 calories made me gain 423453452345 pounds, guess what!?  It didn't, I was down from yesterday.  See SELF!!!  See!!!!

Tonight is cardio and I'm looking forward to it!

Tomorrow is another day, another day to try not to weigh.