This is a big deal

Whenever I feel like I have it all together, I know that it won't be long before I find myself in a heap.

I made a mistake.  I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode.  I'm not up for it physically or mentally.  I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds.  But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on!  I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous!  This stops now.  I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories.  That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is.  Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.

And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off.  It gets kind of miserable sometimes.  I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully.  I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough.  Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting.  Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better!    This has to stop.  It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now.  There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within. 

I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else.  Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good.  If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.

New Running Record & Other Things

I ran 10 miles last night.  Last week I had gone out planning to run 5 miles and felt great and made it just a tad under 8 and a half miles.  I hadn't brought anything with me but my phone (for music), and thought I could have probably gone further if I'd had water.  So this time I strapped on my water belt.  That thing has just never worked right for me.  I've only worn it about 4 times, and each time I regretted it.  I set out last night and was miserable for the first 4.5 miles because of the godforsaken belt.  I ended up saying screw it, downed the water, and tossed the damn thing in a garbage can near a bus stop; least regretted $30 I've ever thrown away, I knew I wasn't going to make it all 10 miles with that belt on.  The next 5.5 miles were awesome!  I need to get one of those hand held bottles, I can't do a belt.

Going to take another maintenance break for a week or two.  I just can't eat in a deficit like I used to, I don't know if it's mental or physical or bother, but it sucks.  Maybe I can do like 3 weeks on 2 weeks off or some other variation of off/on. 

Today I just wanna eat like crap and baby my poor poor knees.

I love running.  I love running in that I have always hated running and now I've made running my bitch.  I will do a marathon one of these days, hell maybe I'll do the one in January.  At this point I know I could probably go out  next week and do a half marathon. 

Anyway, another one of my radom filled blog posts where you get to see just how all over the place my thoughts are.

Am I really a "fit" person?!

A person can look fit and not be fit, just as a person can be fit without looking fit.  Ok, obvious statement I suppose.  But am I both?  When can I say "I'm in good shape", and have it mean both looks-wise PLUS physically?

Let's look at the evidence to determine the answer, shall we?  Fitness-wise:  I can run a pretty long distance, I can lift pretty heavy weights, my endurance is pretty high, my strength is pretty good.  Physically: I have some muscles that show, I'm well into the "normal" weight category BMI-wise, my body fat is a respectable level, my pant size would indicate that I'm normal to (dare I say) small-ish.  PLUS I'm still working at getting better in every area!

So the evidence points to the answer being yes, I'm fit/in shape in pretty much any way a person can look at it.  Why, then, is it so hard for me to see myself that way? 

I'm nowhere near fitness model status of course, not close to being an elite athlete, not the thinnest, not the lowest body fat, not the strongest, but I can still be a fit person without being the BEST can't I?  I get caught up in comparing myself to others.  If someone is fittER than me, than I must not be fit.  If someone can run faster, further, longer, then I must not be that good.  If someone can lift more, I must be pretty weak.  That is a ridiculous way of thinking isn't it?  Because someone else is MORE of, or BETTER at, whatever, that means I can't be that thing.

If I do something physically that surprises me or that I'm impressed by, I quickly brush it off as a fluke.  If I take a good picture where I look pretty decent, I tell myself it's the angle/lighting/outfit/pose.  Why!?  Why do I rob myself of any credit I am due?  Why do I find it so scary to be able to say "I'm in good shape.  I look really good."  Because I feel like someone will come along and be like, um no, not at all, and then I'll feel stupid.  And what if that DID happen?  One person's opinion means nothing.  Anyone else's opinion means nothing, really, just my opinion of myself.

Ok, so I got that all out, so here it goes. . .

I'm fit.  I'm in great shape.  I look amazing.  And not just compared to my former-fat-self, not just compared to other mommies of 2, not just compared to XYZ, but overall and in general with no disclaimer or caveat!  SO THERE!

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Warrior Dash

It was awesome!!!!  Was able to run the whole way, even though it was hot as hell here in Phoenix this weekend.  Our wave time was at 2:30, so like the worst part of the day.  I'm pretty beat up today, bruises and scratches, but overall I'm thrilled with how I did.

Results: Time 42:37.60, top 11% for my age range, top 25% overall. Little disappointed with the time, but happy with where I placed!  Have to keep in mind it takes extra time to go through all the obstacles.

This was my first race ever and I'm totally hooked!

After getting cleaned up, kinda.

Me and Jason

Race Shirts

Today is a good day

I hit that elusive 100 pound mark yesterday (YAY!!!!).

My husband and I are signed up to run the Warrior Dash this coming Saturday, which I'm very excited (and nervous) about.

I'm in amazing shape, the very best I've ever been!  I'm healthy and I'm fit.

AND, I feel good about myself today. And I should.  And I'm pledging right here right now that I will NOT do anything to kill this feeling.  I usually do, I seek out something that inevitably makes me feel awful.  Not today.  Today I am allowing myself to feel good, to feel amazing.

1 Year Losses, Happy Easter, New Goals (again)

1st of all, Happy Easter.  A few things:  Peeps are the toddler equivalent of Meth, that's my theory anyway.  No peeps ever again.  Somehow we lost an egg, praying one of the dogs swiped and ate it.  Went through McDonald's drive through early and just got a diet soda and black coffee (note to self, when we run out of coffee go get some immediately because it's no fun to realize there's no coffee left at 5:30am). 

2nd of all, I've decided to start losing again.  I'm in a much better place than I was 2 months ago and I'm ready to get these last lbs off.

3rd of all, today marks 1 year since I was brave enough to take my 1st set of measurements and pictures.  I won't be posting those pics, maybe ever, not sure.  But I will share the stats (won't bore you with ALLLLL my sites, just the main ones):

3/31/12 vs 3/31/13
weight 211.6 vs 139.2
body fat 40.8% vs 24.3%
neck 14.25 vs 11.5
upper arm 15 vs 10
bust 45.75 vs 36
under bust 39 vs 31.25
waist (4/30/12) 38 vs 28
hips 47.75 vs 34.75
butt 46 vs 35.75
upper thigh 27.75 vs 21
calf 15 vs 13

Radom updates

I'm in my 7th week of maintenance.  7th consecutive week of lifting.  Ups and downs, figuratively and literally.  Still going between 137.2 and 141.8.  Been having lots of great days, some not-so-great days.  Some days I feel really wonderful about the way I look, some days I wanna hide in baggy clothes and can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.  All pretty "normal", I'd say.

I got a wild hair and went for an outside run this past Friday.  It was cool out, a little overcast.  About a mile in the weather turned, super windy, got cold, barely made it home before it started pouring, cold cold rain.  It was a great run.  One of those where I felt like I could go forever.  Was a little disappointed I was driven home by the weather, but I made it exactly 5k, which felt pretty amazing considering I have only run a handful of times in the past months.  Boy I loathe being cold, especially being blindsided by it.  I impressed myself that I didn't start running home the second it started getting windy.  Win for me.

My lifting is going very well.  I'm progressing weekly.  Upping weights, getting stronger, working my way towards a pull up.  Still enjoying it very much.  Well, most of the time.  Last night's workout was a struggle.  I was tired and whiny and wanted to skip it, but I knew I'd regret that so I did it anyway.  Wasn't one of my best workouts, but it was sure as heck better than none at all. 

Still struggling with, and working on, not weighing so often.  I made it 2 and a half days a couple days ago.  That's a record! 

On another random note, found out I have diastatis recti.  Makes a lot of sense.  I noticed something strange months and months ago, it has gotten better since then, but nice to know what it is.  Only about a finger width (maybe tiny bit more) now.

I'm in a weird frame of mind right now and have all kinds of things I'm pondering.  Should I try and lose some more?  Eat in a small deficit daily?  Eat in a medium deficit on non-workout days and maintenance on workout days?   Try Intermittent Fasting again?  If so do I start eating later, or cut of eating earlier?  If I cut off eating earlier that may hinder my workouts that are usually at 7pm, so do I try and hold off on breakfast?  I'm usually cranky if I don't eat in the morning, would that get better eventually?  If so would it be worth it in the short term being cranky until I AM used to it?  Should I start trying to add cardio back in more often?  Or just when the mood strikes?  Will my midsection ever look decent?  Should I count calories again for a while?  Should I focus on macros again?

Another random thing, I want to start doing yoga.

See, I'm all over the place. 

Still here, still workin' it

I haven't been blogging much; I haven't been on the computer much.  BUT I wanted to check in.

I decided as to reach my goals by the desired time frames, that I needed to start counting and tracking again.  So back to My Fitness Pal I went.  I also (for real) rededicated myself to working out.  Weight training 3-4 times a week, cardio 3-7 times a week (my motivation ebbs and flows so when it's flowing I will take advantage by going everyday, when it's dead I will still do it 3xs).  Anyway, down to 163.4 now and really closing in on a normal weight (8 1/2 pounds to go).  While my goal is still 28.4 pounds away, my trainer thinks I really only have 15 - 20 more to lose, so we'll see.  I'd still really love to be in the 130s, but around 145 would be where I was at on my wedding day, and I looked pretty good.

I still would really love to do the half marathon in January.  I know I've been super flaky going back and for on whether to do the whole or the half.  I think the whole is out of reach at this point, and honestly I just am not willing to dedicate that much time to running right now.  I think the half is totally doable.  I've gotten a couple runs in this week already and my endurance is still pretty good.  I think I'll try and see how far I can run later this week (or today, who knows), and find out if I can beat that 7 mile record I have.  I really have found that if I want to have a good long run, I absolutely have to eat within about a half hour of going otherwise my tank gets empty and I can't push as far as I'd like.

That's all for now.  I'll definitely check in again soon.

Trudging Along

Been a little more low key the last couple weeks.  I've tired of recording, counting, obsessing, etc. etc.  Don't misunderstand, I've still been focused on losing weight, just in a different way.

Saturday is my and Jason's 6 year wedding anniversary.  To celebrate, tomorrow, we are going to Flagstaff Extreme adventure course.  After that we are going to lunch at Salsa Brava, which was featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (a Food Network show, for anyone that hasn't had the food-porn-pleasure of watching it).

I've, sadly (well I'm not sad about it really), totally been ditching out on the weight training.  I, as usual, overdid it for several weeks and now can't stand the thought of it.  I, perhaps, learned my lesson. . .again.  BUT, I have still been going to the gym and getting some running in.  I go maybe 3 or 4 times a week, and sometimes I just walk (it's just too hot to run outside right now, even though I prefer it).  The good news is that my running is progressing fantastically, and I haven't had any pains or problems.  I have progressed to being able to run 5 miles!  I'm excited about that.  I think I could have gone a little further too, or maybe done it in a faster time.  I had changed my mind and decided I wanted to do the whole marathon instead of the half, then my injury kept flaring up and I think I'm too behind, mileage-wise, to make the full, so I'm back to aiming for the half, which I think is still pretty good.  I have until the end of the month to decide, because I will need to register for one or the other before the price goes up the beginning of September.

Speaking of September (and Labor Day), I am now under 5 pounds away from that goal (168.5 this morning).  That's rather exciting, isn't it!?  Hard to believe I weighed over 200 pounds just in May!  Well, it isn't actually that hard to believe I suppose, some days I still feel that big.  I actually went on the Flagstaff Extreme website to check to see if I would be under their weight limit, silly right?  I saw that it was 285, and even though I never weighed that much, part of me still is worried they're going to tell me I won't fit in their harness and that I can't do it.  Jason says that I am psycho, which is probably fairly accurate.

I haven't been blogging, or facebooking, or visiting my usual weight loss forums, much at all the last couple weeks.  It's been nice.  I haven't lost my enthusiasm or drive, just sick of having my whole life revolve around it I guess.  I'm at the point where, even though I have over 30 pounds left that I want to lose, 30 seems like nothing.  I've lost over 65 pounds, 30 just seems minuscule compared to the 100 I was staring at when I started.  I've already lost 30 more than twice over.  30?  Psh, bring it on.

Recommitted (And I don't mean reinstitutionalized)

Ever since I was injured I basically stopped working out completely.  Yes, I needed to let my injury heal, but I didn't need to completely stop working out.  I have rededicated myself to working out, and have set a schedule to follow this month.  I have 3 main reason, those are: As I lose weight and don't workout I just get more flabby, I am doing the marathon in January and I'd like to actually be prepared, and, of course, overall health.

July will consist of:  Weight training 4 days a week.  Running 3 days a week.  Core workouts daily.  Stretching daily.

I had a great run yesterday.  I have found I run much better outside; it goes by faster and I am able to push myself much more than on the treadmill, even in the awful heat.  I mapped out a 3 mile run and I did it in 36 minutes.  Now, for a lot of people, that's an average, if not slow, pace.  For me it was record setting, and in my head I looked like an Olympic runner, prancing like a gazelle, around the neighborhood. 

I haven't run that many miles straight in about a year and a half; even then it was only once, and it took me about 44 minutes.  I was proud then, as I should have been, but yesterday I was on cloud nine.  It gave me hope of being able to actually run the whole marathon.  I have a lot of training in front of me, and I do doubt myself.  But I know that my body is capable of doing it, and that there is no reason that I CAN'T do it, so I keep reminding that it's just a matter of putting the miles in.

Ever since I can remember, I have always dreamed of running a marathon.  I figure since I turn 30 in August, this is the perfect time to do it.  At first I was just going to do the half, but then I thought to myself "NO SELF!!!  YOU CAN DO THE FULL!!!", so I'm gonna!  I'm sick of saying I'm going to do things and then never doing them!  So I'm doing it, whether I run, walk, or crawl that thing, I'm doing it!

Rubberband

Ah well, I had been waiting to post until I made it to my next mini goal of  185.8; I reached 186 yesterday morning and had pizza last night, so it could be a few days now (water weight), figured I'd post anyway.

Met with my trainer yesterday, I always have a great workout with her.  It was my first workout in a week.  Luckily I have been keeping on plan eating-wise, so I still lost weight (3.8 lbs to be exact) last week.  Anyway, it got me back on track and I went to the gym this morning too.  I still can't do cardio because of my injury, so just weights.  I'm really really hoping it heals before the first week of August because that's when my training for the half marathon starts.  BUT, I decided I'm doing that damn thing no matter what, even if I have to crawl it.  I will definitely be disappointed if I can't run the whole way, but I'm doing it!

I've been at this for just over 12 weeks now and have made a lot of progress, even through all of the changes.  I've stuck with it through the ebbs and flows of motivation.  I've rubber-banded back and forth from no exercise, to too much exercise, to none at all again, and have hopefully settled somewhere in the middle.  I've gone as far as to eat basically nothing but veggies for an entire week, to doing nothing special at all, to counting calories and going too low, to landing on a nice amount of calories and focusing on protein intake.

Some days I feel amazing, some days I feel the exact same as I did over 30 pounds ago, some days I feel very confident and can tell a huge difference in my body, some days I feel awful about myself and feel like I'll never be happy with my body.

Since my highest weight in December, I've now lost 50 pounds.  That's a lot of weight!  I can now fit fairly comfortably into my size 14s, and my 16s are loose right out of the dryer, my 18s are like gangster pants (sometimes I like to wear them and listen to Bone Thugs and pretend I'm back in Compton).  The funny thing about losing weight is that while most people would think it would make you feel nothing but GOOD, it can actually make you feel bad too.

Getting. So. Close!

Only 2.2 pounds to escape obesity.  I've lost 31.8 pounds in just over 11 weeks, 48 pounds total since December.

I had a bad day yesterday, set off by my fitness assessment on Friday.  I'm over it now though.  And I honestly don't know why I let things get to me when I know, logically, they don't matter!

I went to the Good Form Running clinic at Runner's Den yesterday.  It's free, and if you are a runner, or want to be a runner, or may one day think about running, I'd definitely suggest going to this.  It's a small class so it's usually a few weeks out before you can get in, it's just 70 minutes, and it's always on Saturdays.  And honestly they just want to help you run, they don't angle a sales pitch at all.  Once my leg heals I will definitely be practicing my form, and then I'll be going back to the class after a few months to see how I've improved.

After my Adventure Run on Thursday, my injury has flared up again.  2 weeks wasn't enough rest I guess.  So I will be resting it for a couple more weeks before attempting anything like that again.  I suppose running that half a mile on Friday for my assessment didn't help either, but I DID shave 1:06 off my half mile time!  That's pretty darn good, especially on an injury.  Then of course there were the small running drills at the Running Class that probably also didn't help.  Ok, for real, rest now!

"Hey, Fat Girl."

I stumbled across this Blog entry and wanted to share. 

Hey, Fat Girl.

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home.  You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

You are awesome.

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

I bow to you.

LOVE THIS!

BOO!

I would never say that I'm all that unique, but I often think I am the exception to the rule.  It has been 5 weeks now since I started working out hard core, and in the 5 weeks I've taken 2 days off.  I've been told by numerous gym staff (including my own trainer), my husband, and many internet strangers on various forums, that I am going to end up over-training and getting injured if I continue at the pace I've been going.  I've graciously agreed, to their faces, then turned around and rolled my eyes because obviously they don't realize that I am certain that my body would not do that to me.

From day 1 of running I started having pain in my leg right above the inside of my left ankle, running about half way up to my knee.  I kind of ignored it because I figured #1 I'm very deconditioned so of course there will be pain, and #2 I'm heavy, so of course there will be pain!  I also knew my running shoes were very old and that probably had something to do with it.  Oh, and my muscles are all tight and I refuse to stretch (working on that one).  Well this pain has gotten worse with every passing run and leg day.  And now it's to the point that it ALWAYS hurts, even when laying in bed.  I started googling yesterday (Dr. Google, I presume), and found out that it is Posterior shin splints.  Now I've had shin splints plenty of times (the Anterior kind), and never knew there was more than one kind until yesterday.  So I go reading through several sites and of course if there is anything that I could do to make matters worse I've done it (old shoes, running through the pain, tight calves, never resting, never icing, never elevating).  Well, I have new shoes now, I have no choice but to rest, I need to start icing and elevating, and I promise to stretch.  My only fear at this point is that I've run, and done other various exercises, too much through the pain and have caused a stress fracture.  I'm giving it until Tuesday to see if it gets any better, then I'm going to go to the dr.

The GOOD news is that I'm almost to my goals for the month!  I've already lost a whole pound more than last month and there are 5 days left.  I will get my cardio in somehow (biking or light walking maybe), and even though I can't do legs, I can do upper body still!  I'm trying not to get discouraged!  There are like 34 weeks left until the half marathon, and the training program is 24 weeks, so I have a good amount of time to let this heal and still not get behind with the training.

And only .8 pounds to go until my pre-pregnancy weight!!!

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Goals so far: 23/28, 9/12, 1055/1200, 9.4/10

The Good, the Bad, and the Fatty



Brooks Ravenna

I went to Runner's Den today to get a very well deserved brand new pair of running shoes.  It was a very good experience.  The salesman, Barry, asked me lots of questions, measured my feet, had me walk around with just socks on, watched how I stood, and based on that brought out a pair of shoes.  I then went outside and ran back and forth in them while he watched.  They were comfy!  He then brought out 4 more pairs of shoes, all of which I tried on my right foot while leaving the original pair on my left, then went outside and ran with each one.  The last pair were the ones.  Very exciting.  He then told me about my stride and the way I run and how I need to work on certain things which will make my running easier and less likely to cause injury.  I signed up for a free class on how to improve all of these things.  I'm very encouraged!  And this is the Good!

The Bad and the Fatty are one in the same.  I've been doing wonderfully with my eating and in the gym.  I account for every calorie that I eat, ensure I get a God awful lot of protein, and I work my ass of in the gym every day - I push myself in my weight training and in my cardio.  I joined a month ago tomorrow and have missed only 1 day.  Yet since last Monday I've only lost .4 pounds.  In fact I was down 1.6 but somehow gained 1.2 pounds from this past Thursday to today.  I'm furious, frustrated, irritated, upset, mad, sad, and overall bummed, discouraged, and pretty damn grumpy about it.  I know that weight loss isn't just a numbers game and that fat loss is different from weight loss and that it will probably all come tumbling off here soon because a calorie deficit is a calorie deficit.  But for crying out loud it makes me want to scream!  I've been working so hard and it's difficult to not see that reflected immediately on the scale.  If I were talking to someone and they were complaining about the same thing I am right now I'd have all kinds of logic and encouragement for them.  I'd tell them to keep at it (which I fully intend to do anyway) and that the scale isn't the only measure of progress.  I'd tell them to be proud of their ever growing cardio endurance, and their ever growing stregth.  I'd tell them to be proud of how meticulous they are being counting calories and macro-nutrients.  I would applaud them for abstaining from junk food, and give them props for the portion control they practice when having a small indulgence.  Why is it so much more difficult to tell yourself the same things you would easily tell another person?  If anyone in this world were as mean to me as I am to myself I would never be around them!

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Goals so far: 20/28, 8/12, 925/1200, 5.6/10