I'm back to complain!

So I had decided I would be serious until Thanksgiving.  I figured I'd do low carb too.  Then I ended my day yesterday with pizza and beer.  My saving grace was that it did fit into my calories.  I was actually down this morning to 149.8 (down from 151.4).  I feel terrified right now that I am not being more careful!  But it's not as if I don't care!  Obviously I'm still weighing and stressing and obsessing, I'm just lacking in the actual "doing" department.  I've been constantly trying to rationalize both ways of behaving!  On one hand I *should* be able to take a week or two off, eat whatever (within reason of course), relax, and not think about calories and all that.  On the other hand that is an incredibly slippery slope.  PLUS I'm not really truly enjoying it because I'm miserable obsessing over the weight gain and the fact that my pants are tight.  I'm very torn right now.  I have a very hard time with middle ground, I'm typically one extreme or the other.

I'm more just thinking out loud here.  I've gotten some really great advice, and pep talks, from several people in real life, and from my online friends.  All of it is great stuff, makes sense, very rational, motivates me in the moment.  Then I see food I want and everything kind of fades away.  I feel like maybe so many months of being incredibly strict has lead me to this point.  Plus getting to a weight I consider "normal" (around or under 150), fitting into my wedding dress again, fitting into size 8s and 6s.  But I'm not where I want to be yet, I don't want to let up!  I also don't want to be one of those people who can't just take some time off from it and indulge.  I basically just don't want to be me right now.  I said I was fine with maintaining through the holidays, which if that were the case I'd be fine since I was 153.8 when I said that.  But I'm apparantly NOT ok with it.

My youngest is 11 months old today.  In that 11 months I've come a long way, a very long way.  But I really really want to be at minus 100 pounds by his birthday, which of course is now just one month away.  IF that is even possible at this point, it will take some SERIOUS commitment!  I don't even know that it's really possible, short of doing RFL again after Thanksgiving is over as to drop serious water weight along with fat.  I don't know if I have it in me to do that!  Although if I don't have it in me to give it my complete and total ALL, then apparantly I don't want to hit that number in that time frame that badly.  I'm so sick of being hungry all the time.  Sick of turning down every food that sounds good.  Ok, I'm being dramatic now obviously.  I just want to wallow in self pity for moment longer and throw a hissy fit followed by eating whatever I want in the quantities I want.  WAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am definitely disappointed in myself that I find it to be such a struggle so far in.  WHY!?!?!?!?!  Why am I doing this to myself so close to my goal!?  What is wrong with me!?  <------ More dramatics, but still!

Stupid :/

Sometimes the comments people make to me make me feel like I've given the impression that I don't struggle.  Let me tell you something, about a week ago I got down to 145.8, which put me at a 90 pound loss, fit into a size 6, and I celebrated by gaining 5 pounds in the last week.  That's right, FIVE!  Please never think I don't struggle, or sabotage myself, or that I don't shove my face full of crappy food, and completely avoid working out, because I DO!!!  This suck sometimes.  I just want this to come naturally, I don't think it EVER will.  It will always take effort and a lot of planning and thought.  Sometimes that really makes me feel down.  This time of year really sucks for losing weight.  There's so much yummy food everywhere and I am not good at moderation, it takes an incredible amount of restraint and that's hard!!!  I'm kind of having a pity party obviously.  I have to remind myself that 8 months ago, hell even 4 months ago, I'd have killed to be where I am now.  If I were talking to someone else going through the same thing I'd have great advice, I am incapable of taking it myself.

No excuses, just the facts.  Ate too much.  Haven't worked out.  Gained weight.  No mystery!

Your excuses are invalid

When I first started hard core back in March I decided that if I was ever going to get where I wanted to be I needed to stop making excuses why I couldn't do it, because I had plenty of them.  Excuses are a big sign of unreadiness (hmmm, that's most likely not a real word), and if you're not ready you're not ready, and that's a personal thing.  It's a lot of work and a lot of commitment so if you really aren't in a good place with it, it won't last, and that's all but a guaruntee!  Anyway, I wanted to cut out the bull I was feeding myself and decided if I wasn't willing to do it, then I needed to say just that, and not give XYZ excuses why I "couldn't" do it.  When I made myself decide that, I chose to cut the excuses out because I really didn't want to be one of those people who decided to be ok with being obese.  To each his/her own, but I was unhappy and miserable and I wasn't ok with that and needed to stop giving myself permission to continue on that way!

So what's my point!?  Well, I get asked, quite a lo,t variations of the question "How have you lost so much weight!?"  I don't know what people reallly expect me to say, but they almost always seem disappointed in my answer.  Don't get me wrong, my absolute favorite subject in the world is weight loss and all things related (nutrition, exercise, supplements, etc. etc.) -- I'm always thrilled to talk about it, but I can tell when the person asking is hoping I will answer "Actually, I found this new diet where all you eat is pizza and ice cream in whatever quantities you want, you just have to jump up and down 3 times every  hour and you will lose a crap ton of weight!"  I've learned to answer very simply "I eat quite a lot less".  This seems to stop the onslaught of excuses people tend to start throwing at me if I tell them in detail what I've done; or if they are actually really interested they will ask more questions, which I'm happy to answer.  For some reason my weight loss effects some people in a way that it makes them feel the need to defend their own weight issues to me, that does make me feel very bad sometimes.  But like I was saying, if I go ahead with the details after the first inquiry, it tends to lead the person I'm talking to into giving me a laundry list of reasons why what I've done isn't possible for them.  I rarely will call people on their bull, because, well it's really none of my business, but some of the excuses I hear are just terrible.

Excuse #1 - THE FOOD: It's too expensive to eat healthy.  Someone else buys my food so I have to eat what they buy and make. I cook for a family and my kids and/or partner won't support me in my food changes because I am at their mercy.

Nope - wrong.  You don't have to  buy all organic, or shop at Whole Foods/Spouts/Other-Expensive-Granola-Store.  There are plenty of healthy foods that are not expensive at all, not to mention you don't have to do a complete 180 and go from whatever it is you're eating now to eating like a vegan tree hugger.  AND besides that, you don't have to eat "healthy" to lose weight, you just have to be in a calorie deficit, you can eat any food you damn well please (not saying that's the ideal)!  No matter what food is available to you, it is possible to lose weight.  Case closed.

Excuse #2 - THE EXERCISE: I can't afford a gym membership.  I have an injury so I can't workout.  I'm too busy to workout.  I hate working out.  One time I worked out and it was so super hard, I won't do it again.

Uh, no.  Nope, nope, and no.  You don't have to workout to lose weight!  Of course being fit and active is important to being healthy, but it certainly isn't neccessary to drop pounds.  PLUS you don't need a gym to work out, you don't even need home gym equipment.  It's simple, you google at home workouts, or look it up on youtube, it's a thing believe it or not.  Plus there are about a billion workout videos on the market (for cheap), Netflix has a ton of them to stream, you can go for a walk or run or dance in your living room (free),  AND someone busier than YOU worked out today.  Or just don't workout at all, if you are in a calorie deficit you will lose weight, working out is the icing on the cake.

Excuse #3 - I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT: I've tried every single diet and exercise plan ever made and I just can't lose weight.  My body wasn't meant to be a size 2.  I'm big boned. 

This one is the one that irritates me the most.  Your mommy may have told you you're special, but you are not a biological marvel.  I would seriously hope that if someone truly thought this they'd go to the doctor to see what was wrong with them.  I'm NOT denying that there are indeed medical conditions that make it very difficult to lose weight, but this is typically not what's going on.  There's a saying "every diet works if you follow it" and that's pretty much true, although different things work better for different people.  If you only follow it for a week and expect to lose 30 pounds you will be disappointed.  Weight loss take a lot of TIME!  If you "follow it" but you are taking bites here and there of extra stuff and not really truly following it, you will be disappointed.  People want to say, "it's not me, it's XYZ", when it really and totally is them!  And what's the deal with that "size 2" excuse, I hear that one all the time.  So, what?  You can't be a size 2 so you have to be a size 22!?  NO!  You can be a healthier size, which doesn't mean you  have to be a size 2!  And no, those aren't your bones, that's fat, cut the crap.



It's not at ALL that I think everyone should be losing weight or strivng to be a fitness model, not even a little bit.  BUT, it drives me batty when people act like they want to lose weight but aren't willing to really do even the smallest thing to achieve it.  I'm not interested in hearing people's excuses!  It's hard, and if it weren't no one would be overweight.  I have worked my ass off (quite literally), and when people brush it off like "oh, well it's easy for you because of <whatever>, whereas it's hard for me because of <whatever>" that pisses me off!  It's never been easy, never will be!  Just like ANYTHING in life, success very rarely comes to those who do nothing to work for it.

Officially 90

I hit 145.8 today, which makes it official that I've lost 90 pounds! Well. . . 90.2 to be exact.  I was close yesterday, and the day before, but it wasn't like really actually totally OFFICIAL, like it is today!

I'm getting really close to my goal, I think.  I kind of don't know where exactly I will land.  I do know that I need to get my lazy ass back in the gym.  I've been very full of excuses the last two weeks with the kids taking turns being sick, but they were just that -- excuses.  I haven't gone for a run in a really long time, and I haven't lifted in a couple weeks.  I don't necessarily miss it, but I miss being able to say I did it, HA!  I do miss feeling more active; the kids do keep me active to a certain point, but it's not the same.  I definitely don't feel quite as bad ass when I'm not working out.

At any rate (I hate that saying, but I insist on using sayings and words I hate), I think it's very possible I may hit my original goal of 100 pounds by Luke's 1st birthday December 20th.  It's only 9.8 pounds and about 5 1/2 weeks.  I will get close.  Hell, I'm close now!  If I can keep up the momentum I've had this month so far I definitely have a chance.

Well, I hear Luke, so I better go.

*PICS* 20 to 6 PEOPLE, TWENTY TO SIX!!!!

Back in March of this year I bought a pair of size 18 pants from Walmart because I was sick of wearing maternity pants 4 months after giving birth.  I assumed an 18 would fit since the 16s in my closet were (WAY) too small.  Well, they didn't fit, they were too tight. I was way too humiliated to exchange them for the size 20s that I really needed.  So the pic below on the left are those very size 18s, but try to imagine that those didn't fit!  The the pic below on the right is me in the size 6s that I JUST bought!  They are a little tight, and I'm totally sucking in (HA!), but they fit!  I NEVER ever photoshop my pictures.  I certainly take several and then pick the one(s) I find most flattering, of course, but I never ever retouch them.  My body is what it is, and believe me, after losing less than a pound away from 90 (NINETY!!!) pounds in less than 11 months, the typical ramifications of that remain, perhaps they will fade a bit with time but maybe not.  I will probably never be able to wear a bikini (without people puking), but I'm proud of my body and what I've be able to accomplish with it!  The battle wounds of obesity (and pregnancy) will be with me as a constant reminder of what I never want to be again!

Size 18s

Size 6s

Another mini goal met

Mini goals:1st mini goal: 199.8, get under 200!

2nd mini goal: 193, my pre-pregnancy weight.

3rd mini goal: 185.8, no longer considered obese.

4th mini goal: 175, which I got down to in January 2011, a few months before I got pregnant with Luke.

5th mini goal: 163, was my Labor Day goal, (reached a few days late).

6th mini goal: 154.8, no longer considered overweight.

7th mini-goal: 152, how much I weighed when I met Jason.

8th mini-goal: 149.8, because it's the 140s! Holy crap!

9th mini-goal: 145, drivers license weight.

10th mini-goal: 142, lowest weight I've seen as an adult, maybe even as a teen, and my wedding day weight.

11th mini-goal: 139.8, because it's the 130s! OMG!

12th mini-goal: 135, my original goal weight.

13th mini-goal: 130, my new goal weight.

(Secret 14th mini-goal: 125, so I have a fluctuation buffer of 125-130 for maintenance.)

150

Soooooo close! 150 even today.