I can't believe Christmas is only a week away. I've been slightly distracted with the large child in my abdomen making me miserable with anxiety in regards to his arrival. I don't know how women go on to have many children, this is beyond my scope of coping. I guess we are are blessed with different abilities; some women's include the ability to endure, or *gasp*, enjoy pregnancy. I'm just really glad that this can't last much longer, like days, well my doctor will tell me how long if I make it to Tuesday, which I'm sure I will.
With Emma I was sure I would have to be induced, mostly because my sister and one of my close friends had had to, and they were the most recent pregnancies I had witnessed. She came a week early, which took me by surprise. So of course I assumed this one would come as early, or earlier, than she did. Nope. I'm very nervous about having to be induced, I still hold out a tiny bit of hope it will happen on its own (and no, there's no way the due date could be more than a day or two off).
I've tried basically every natural induction method out there that one can find via Dr. Google. Obviously none of them have worked. At this point I highly doubt any of them work and that any success is solely coincidental. I seriously want this kid out and I feel very helpless and powerless in making that happen. I'm not the type of person who is all crunchy and anti medical intervention. If I have a headache I will take whatever I can to get rid of it. If I get sick, I go to the doctor. I trust (for the most part) the medical community. They are people, they make mistakes, they have bad days and make bad decisions just like the rest of us. I am not the type to focus on the side effects or possible bad outcomes of things...usually. But this induction thing has got me nervous. I know many people who've had them, had no complications, had no problems. Well, ya, I've watch The Business of Being Born a few too many times (even though I've never seriously considered a natural birth). I really really really don't want Pitocin. If they give me that I want the epidural first. I remember the pain, the horrid awful pain, of natural contractions, and apparently Pitocin makes contractions worse. I don't know if I can handle it. I do not have much of a pain tolerance whatsoever. I am scared of the pain. I know those who have natural labors will tell you that it's "pain with a purpose" and you can't fight the pain you have to work with it, blah blah blah, F THAT. It freaking hurts, I don't give a crap what the purpose is. I know women have been doing this without pain meds for billions of years, ya and now they have pain meds, so for ME, why should I suffer through pain IF I have the option of not, thank you very much. Kind of got off on a tangent there.
Anyway, the moral of the story is, I'm huge and tired and want this large child OUT. If you are reading this, say a prayer, or do a voodoo dance, or sacrifice a grasshopper, or send labor vibes, or positive thoughts, or whatever floats your boat, my way!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I just need to complain
I'm *almost* 33 weeks, as in WOW it's almost here. I'm so excited and nervous, but most of all I'm miserable, so I'm going to complain. And I'm going to complain a lot, because it's my blog and I can write whatever I want! :P
I'm so irritable, beyond anything. It's soooooo hard to be patient with a toddler when you're irritable. Sometimes it seems like she pushes my buttons on purpose, who knows maybe she does, although I'm sure it's more a combination of my irritability and her toddler-hood. I hate when I look forward to her nap and bedtimes, it makes me feel like a terrible person and a shitty mother. I really took my last pregnancy for granted, I wasn't working, and had no other children to take care of, now I do both. I had it very easy and I didn't even realize it. I spent my days nesting and napping, wow I kind of hate that person now for being a spoiled brat! I have so much more to do now, and it takes me ten times longer to do it.
Everything hurts. My feet hurt and are swollen (along with my ankles). My knees and hips ache. My lower abdomen hurts if I stand for too long; between the pulling of the weight of the baby and just the sheer weight of my fat stomach as a whole, and lifting a 30 pound kid dozens of times a day, it feels like it is just going to rip open. My breasts hurt, shooting pains, why why why? My back is a mess, more-so my tailbone and lower back. My shoulders and neck are in knots.
I have the skin of a 14 year old. That pregnancy glow? That's oil pouring from my face like lava from a volcano. And that isn't limited to my face either. I avoid mirrors at all cost. Seriously, the least of my worries is how fat I look, at this point I don't even care, there's nothing I can do about it anyway.
The moving and the kicking feels like an alien attempting to escape my body by any means necessary, oh if only it WERE that easy. And my favorite are kicks to the bladder with such a force that I probably should just wear diapers.
I waddle everywhere. It takes several attempts to get out of bed the 3 times a night I have to pee. I can't bend over, I will spend 3 minutes trying to pick something up with my toes rather than bend over to pick it up. Hopefully it won't get too cold here, because I doubt I could tie my shoes, so flip flops it is!
Pregnancy brain is real. Sometimes it scares me. I forget really simple things. I've been on the wrong road and not known it until I get lost, like on my way home from the doctor, which I've been to and from about 100 times.
Sleep? Well it would seem like an easy task since I'm exhausted ALL day no matter how much sleep I do get. But no, no it isn't easy. I have to sleep propped up, because no matter what I eat or when I eat I get heartburn and reflux while I'm sleeping, which wakes me up. I have awoken to choking on the acid that goes up my throat, that's fun! I can't sleep on one side for too long because the pressure on my hip wakes me. Of course I can't sleep on my stomach, and sleeping on my back isn't comfortable or good for me or the baby. I wish I had a hammock! That seems like it would be amazing to sleep in.
EVERYTHING seems like such an effort. I truly weigh my options before I get up; how thirsty am I really, is it really worth getting up and walking over the the kitchen?
Oh and I am sweaty all the time, so gross.
We always planned on just 2 kids, which is good, because there's no way in hell I'm doing this again. Some women love being pregnant, or are good at it, right now I hate those women.
Ok I'm done.
I'm so irritable, beyond anything. It's soooooo hard to be patient with a toddler when you're irritable. Sometimes it seems like she pushes my buttons on purpose, who knows maybe she does, although I'm sure it's more a combination of my irritability and her toddler-hood. I hate when I look forward to her nap and bedtimes, it makes me feel like a terrible person and a shitty mother. I really took my last pregnancy for granted, I wasn't working, and had no other children to take care of, now I do both. I had it very easy and I didn't even realize it. I spent my days nesting and napping, wow I kind of hate that person now for being a spoiled brat! I have so much more to do now, and it takes me ten times longer to do it.
Everything hurts. My feet hurt and are swollen (along with my ankles). My knees and hips ache. My lower abdomen hurts if I stand for too long; between the pulling of the weight of the baby and just the sheer weight of my fat stomach as a whole, and lifting a 30 pound kid dozens of times a day, it feels like it is just going to rip open. My breasts hurt, shooting pains, why why why? My back is a mess, more-so my tailbone and lower back. My shoulders and neck are in knots.
I have the skin of a 14 year old. That pregnancy glow? That's oil pouring from my face like lava from a volcano. And that isn't limited to my face either. I avoid mirrors at all cost. Seriously, the least of my worries is how fat I look, at this point I don't even care, there's nothing I can do about it anyway.
The moving and the kicking feels like an alien attempting to escape my body by any means necessary, oh if only it WERE that easy. And my favorite are kicks to the bladder with such a force that I probably should just wear diapers.
I waddle everywhere. It takes several attempts to get out of bed the 3 times a night I have to pee. I can't bend over, I will spend 3 minutes trying to pick something up with my toes rather than bend over to pick it up. Hopefully it won't get too cold here, because I doubt I could tie my shoes, so flip flops it is!
Pregnancy brain is real. Sometimes it scares me. I forget really simple things. I've been on the wrong road and not known it until I get lost, like on my way home from the doctor, which I've been to and from about 100 times.
Sleep? Well it would seem like an easy task since I'm exhausted ALL day no matter how much sleep I do get. But no, no it isn't easy. I have to sleep propped up, because no matter what I eat or when I eat I get heartburn and reflux while I'm sleeping, which wakes me up. I have awoken to choking on the acid that goes up my throat, that's fun! I can't sleep on one side for too long because the pressure on my hip wakes me. Of course I can't sleep on my stomach, and sleeping on my back isn't comfortable or good for me or the baby. I wish I had a hammock! That seems like it would be amazing to sleep in.
EVERYTHING seems like such an effort. I truly weigh my options before I get up; how thirsty am I really, is it really worth getting up and walking over the the kitchen?
Oh and I am sweaty all the time, so gross.
We always planned on just 2 kids, which is good, because there's no way in hell I'm doing this again. Some women love being pregnant, or are good at it, right now I hate those women.
Ok I'm done.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Ramblings of a Woman in her Third Trimester
I have officially entered the final third of my pregnancy. This pregnancy has gone by much faster than Emma's did. I am much busier though, that's for sure. When I was pregnant with Emma I was somewhat forced to leave my job when I was about 12 weeks along. I was finishing my Bachelors degree at the time, but was done in December (Em was born in May), so I had months and months and MONTHS of just the pregnancy to think about. I vividly remember it seeming to take an eternity. There's probably something about that first pregnancy that tends to make a girl very anxious to hold that baby and prepare every little thing. I'm sure when I get closer to the end I will be anxious, but as of right now I just feel like he can stay in there quite a while longer! Between chasing after an almost 2 1/2 year old, working (although it is very part time), and attempting (halfheartedly, I will admit) to keep house and prepare for this baby, I feel like the weeks slip by! By the third trimester with Emma her room was completely done. It was painted a very specific shade of lilac, the walls were decorated with things I painstakingly picked out, made myself or special ordered, all the furniture was put together, I think I even had my hospital bag packed. Right now my little boy's room is only half clean, I haven't picked out the paint color yet, while I have all of the furniture none of it is put together. Emma didn't sleep in her room, except for the occasional nap, until she was 6 months old, so the room isn't really my top priority I guess.
One thing I have learned is things that are needed and not needed. If nothing else got done, we would still be ready for him, what do you really need but just diapers anyway. I frequent a baby/pregnancy website and read the forums a lot. There are often questions and discussions about what one needs for baby. I've found that this is a very personal thing. There are items that some moms swear by that others think are ridiculous, there are very few things people can agree on. Some things people told me I just "had to have" I never used, and some things I was told not to bother with, I wanted so I got it anyway and used it all the time.
When I began this blog, I had a point I wanted to get to, but I can no longer remember what it was, so I guess I will continue to ramble.
So there are 2 things I want to do with this baby that I didn't do with Emma. The first is exclusively breastfeed for longer than I did with her. I made it 3 weeks with Emma, and that was with pumping and supplementing with formula. I only made it 3 days exclusively breastfeeding, basically until my milk came in. Pumping was miserable, I will not do that again at all, hated it! I am scared I will give up again and have to deal with that awful awful guilt. And now I can't remember the 2nd thing, nice.
This part of pregnancy gets more miserable by the day. I don't enjoy being pregnant at all. Sure there are parts that are cool, feeling the baby moving and, uh, ok that's the only one I can think of. At this point water gives me heartburn. I wake up several times a night to pee, even if I don't drink anything hours before bed. I have a hard time getting up off the floor, or the couch for that matter. I have the skin of a 13 year old going through puberty. I can't remember things, like basic words, or why I went into the kitchen. My nose has been stuffy since April. My back hurts all the time, and my 30 pound toddler insists on being held and I won't say no 90% of the time.
In short, my brain is very low functioning at this point, as I'm sure you can tell from reading this post.
One thing I have learned is things that are needed and not needed. If nothing else got done, we would still be ready for him, what do you really need but just diapers anyway. I frequent a baby/pregnancy website and read the forums a lot. There are often questions and discussions about what one needs for baby. I've found that this is a very personal thing. There are items that some moms swear by that others think are ridiculous, there are very few things people can agree on. Some things people told me I just "had to have" I never used, and some things I was told not to bother with, I wanted so I got it anyway and used it all the time.
When I began this blog, I had a point I wanted to get to, but I can no longer remember what it was, so I guess I will continue to ramble.
So there are 2 things I want to do with this baby that I didn't do with Emma. The first is exclusively breastfeed for longer than I did with her. I made it 3 weeks with Emma, and that was with pumping and supplementing with formula. I only made it 3 days exclusively breastfeeding, basically until my milk came in. Pumping was miserable, I will not do that again at all, hated it! I am scared I will give up again and have to deal with that awful awful guilt. And now I can't remember the 2nd thing, nice.
This part of pregnancy gets more miserable by the day. I don't enjoy being pregnant at all. Sure there are parts that are cool, feeling the baby moving and, uh, ok that's the only one I can think of. At this point water gives me heartburn. I wake up several times a night to pee, even if I don't drink anything hours before bed. I have a hard time getting up off the floor, or the couch for that matter. I have the skin of a 13 year old going through puberty. I can't remember things, like basic words, or why I went into the kitchen. My nose has been stuffy since April. My back hurts all the time, and my 30 pound toddler insists on being held and I won't say no 90% of the time.
In short, my brain is very low functioning at this point, as I'm sure you can tell from reading this post.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
29
With my birthday just 2 days away and as I enter the final year of my 20's I feel like it's a good time to reflect.
I don't much care about age, seeing as how my husband (Jason) is 11 and a half years older than me proves that. However, I remember crying when I turned 20 because I was no longer a teenager. I also spent my 20th birthday in Steubenville, which probably added to my tears. I'm finding that going into the last year of my 20's I'm not really all that hung up and being so close to 30.
I spent most of the first half of my 20th year at the Franciscan University of Steubenville, Steubenville and I never got along. I met Jason just before my 21st birthday while going to school to get our personal training certifications, and shortly thereafter we began dating. We married right before I turned 24, bought our house when I was 25, finished my bachelors degree and had our first baby when I was 26, and of course are expecting our 2nd (and final) child this year, my 29th year. I'm certain tons more happened these past 9 years, but these are the milestones my pregnancy brain is allowing me to remember at this time.
I definitely feel as thought I have spend my 20's building my life, building our lives. Seeing the end of this decade coming almost feels like a relief, like now I can finally sit back and enjoy this life. Sure, it's not done being built really, but the foundation is certainly done.
Life will always be filled with trouble, unknowns, curve balls, and all that jazz, but I think the 30's will hold much more stability than my 20's did. I would never call myself an expert at life, but compared to what I knew 9 years ago I do feel much more prepared for what life has to throw at me. I know I'm much more jaded than I was, I tend to trust less and question more. It's sad, in a way, to lose that naivety. I'm glad I have little 2 year old to remind me that life can be innocent and fun. I'm glad I have a little baby in my belly kicking away reminding me that life begins so quietly and simply.
I don't much care about age, seeing as how my husband (Jason) is 11 and a half years older than me proves that. However, I remember crying when I turned 20 because I was no longer a teenager. I also spent my 20th birthday in Steubenville, which probably added to my tears. I'm finding that going into the last year of my 20's I'm not really all that hung up and being so close to 30.
I spent most of the first half of my 20th year at the Franciscan University of Steubenville, Steubenville and I never got along. I met Jason just before my 21st birthday while going to school to get our personal training certifications, and shortly thereafter we began dating. We married right before I turned 24, bought our house when I was 25, finished my bachelors degree and had our first baby when I was 26, and of course are expecting our 2nd (and final) child this year, my 29th year. I'm certain tons more happened these past 9 years, but these are the milestones my pregnancy brain is allowing me to remember at this time.
I definitely feel as thought I have spend my 20's building my life, building our lives. Seeing the end of this decade coming almost feels like a relief, like now I can finally sit back and enjoy this life. Sure, it's not done being built really, but the foundation is certainly done.
Life will always be filled with trouble, unknowns, curve balls, and all that jazz, but I think the 30's will hold much more stability than my 20's did. I would never call myself an expert at life, but compared to what I knew 9 years ago I do feel much more prepared for what life has to throw at me. I know I'm much more jaded than I was, I tend to trust less and question more. It's sad, in a way, to lose that naivety. I'm glad I have little 2 year old to remind me that life can be innocent and fun. I'm glad I have a little baby in my belly kicking away reminding me that life begins so quietly and simply.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Already Overwhelmed
Little by little it is sinking in that I will have a second baby in just a few months. The taking care of the baby part doesn't intimidate me, it's the taking care of the baby plus taking care of a toddler part that scares me. To add on, I'm terrible about housework. I'm not being humble, and I'm not one of those people who just can't be satisfied so I just think I'm not good at it. . . I'm just really not good at it! If I were the blaming type I'd blame my mom because she never gave us chores, or if she did it was totally random and she never made us stick to it. She cooked and cleaned and was a stay at home mom, she did everything for us. While I am indeed the most functional of my siblings I am still pretty lame at some things.
When some people say "the house is a mess", what they really mean is that there are some toys on the floor, or they haven't vacuumed that day and there's a few dishes in the sink. When I say it, it means it is really a mess, hasn't been dusted or vacuumed in weeks, all the dishes are in the sink, cobwebs in the corners, kitchen table in unusable, kitchen counter is covered in mail and other various crap and basically that it is an actual MESS!
I love being a stay at home mom, and although I do work kind of part time (for now) I still consider myself a stay at home mom. The mom part I'm good at (although I know I could be better), but the housekeeping part I suck at completely. I want to be better. I'm worried though. I'm having such a hard time cleaning the room that will be the baby's. I have so much I need to do before he gets here. I'm starting to get overwhelmed, which really really scares me! If I'm overwhelmed now, how in the hell am I going to feel once he's here.
When some people say "the house is a mess", what they really mean is that there are some toys on the floor, or they haven't vacuumed that day and there's a few dishes in the sink. When I say it, it means it is really a mess, hasn't been dusted or vacuumed in weeks, all the dishes are in the sink, cobwebs in the corners, kitchen table in unusable, kitchen counter is covered in mail and other various crap and basically that it is an actual MESS!
I love being a stay at home mom, and although I do work kind of part time (for now) I still consider myself a stay at home mom. The mom part I'm good at (although I know I could be better), but the housekeeping part I suck at completely. I want to be better. I'm worried though. I'm having such a hard time cleaning the room that will be the baby's. I have so much I need to do before he gets here. I'm starting to get overwhelmed, which really really scares me! If I'm overwhelmed now, how in the hell am I going to feel once he's here.
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