Friday, June 14, 2013

Back again so soon & Dip report

Wow, I'm blogging up a storm here!

Thanks to those of you still here reading, and supporting me!  I appreciate it a lot!  This blog has been a big source of accountability and motivation for me since I started it!  Knowing ANYONE is out there reading, wondering what I've been up to, or gaining any sort of positive ANYTHING makes me feel like I need to keep going even when I really don't want to.  So thanks for that!

I really don't have anything exciting to report, except for a food find (if you can even call it that).  I planned all our meals for the week and went grocery shopping yesterday.  Spent more time in the produce section than I have in a long time, that was a good thing.  Was on Pinterest the other day and saw a "recipe" (it's really not, I'll get to the in a sec) for a healthier ranch dip.  I love dip, dip is good, and usually dip is a high calorie nightmare, I mean who the heck wants just TWO tablespoons of dip for 200 calories, that's crap.  Anyway, the "recipe" was basically just swap sour cream for Greek yogurt, add ranch dip packet.  See, not really a recipe, more like common sense! LOL!  I've been swapping sour cream for Greek yogurt on baked potatoes, tacos, and burritos (and anything else I would normally use sour cream on) for well over a  year. I actually can't tell a difference at all anymore.  I LOVE Greek yogurt for so many things anyway, I cannot believe I never thought to use it for dip!  Like DUH!  And an ENTIRE CUP of Greek yogurt (well, the Chobani 0% I used in this case, my store stopped carrying 2% which I prefer greatly) is 140 calories, the entire packet of ranch is 40 calories, so 180 calories for a whole cup of dip.  Pair that with some veggies (I got some red and green bell peppers, cucumber, celery, and carrots because they were all cheap) and you have a healthy, filling, snack with no guilt.  I couldn't even eat all of it in one sitting, and believe me that says something!  I'm no master chef, I'm not very creative food-wise, and I don't have much money to burn at the store, so when I find something easy, yummy, inexpensive, and super filling, I get excited!

I've cleaned up the ol' diet the last few days and can't believe how much better I feel already.  Didn't realize just how bloated I was until it went away.  Starting to feel less lethargic.  Perhaps a little less cranky too.  I've always known how much of a difference what you eat makes, but sometimes it can be easy to forget until you feel the repercussions of it.  Food is fuel and all that jazz.  Maybe now that I'm at a point where I'm truly trying to find the middle ground between losing weight and gaining weight (hmmm, what do they call that again?  Ohhhhhh ya, LIFE) maybe, just maybe, I can start seeing food as a way to fuel my body, make me feel good, AND enjoy it alllll at the same time.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Long time no blog

Is anyone still out there??? 

I'm still here!  Just been taking a much needed break from it all.  Probably too long of a break at this point.

Weight-wise: Been maintaining in the old range, though the last 2 days a pound over.  Fully aware it needs to be reined in.  One bit of good news is that I've been able to cut down on weighing quite a bit, once a day to once every other day.  In a way I think it's let me have a break, in a way I think it's allowed me to get lazy

Workout-wise: Nada.  Been full of excuses.  Will get a random workout in then not doing anything forever.

Food-wise:  Been eating like crap, eating too much, and overall not feeding my body food that makes me feel good.

Head-wise: In some ways better, in some ways worse.  Rubberband effect.  Tried so hard to get to a point where I don't care, now I don't care.  Well, I really can't say I don't care, otherwise I'd  not be here writing and trying to figure out how to get my head back in the game.

Feeling lame in general.  It's hard to get back on track, but it must be done.  Yes, technically I've been maintaining, but it has been more of a let's-see-how-much-crap-I-can-eat plus no workouts type of "maintaining", and that's not very wise, healthy, or good for me.

Another crap thing I've realized is how bored I am now that weight loss isn't my focus.  It consumed so much of my time and thoughts that I am kind of lost.  I think I know how to fix it, or at least starting fixing it, but I'm being so lazy and lame.  I know a LOT of that feeling comes from inactivity and crap food making me feel lethargic.  All problems right now seem to stem from unhealthy habits I've picked back up.  GO FIGURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, don't worry (if you have been) about me.  It's all a process, and I'm really hoping to finally find some middle ground.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Feels

Ahhh, I've taken a much needed break from all things weight loss.  No forums, no blogging, no nothin'.

My daughter turned 4 a couple days ago, and I've been engrossed in that. 

The few pounds I attempted losing in April are back on and I've been easily maintaining my "old" maintenance range from February and March.  I wouldn't go so far as to say this is a 'set point' for my body, but I will go so far as to say I'm not willing (or able) at this time to do what would need to be done to lose and maintain anymore weight.  It's not in me right now.  I tried to push through that, and unsuccessfully so, I should have listened to my body and heart and not my head.  I am reasonably happy maintaining between 138 and 142, and I seem to be able to do so without much of a problem.  One happy success I've had is that I've been able to only weigh once every day, to once every other day, that's a pretty big deal for me.  Going back to losing weight had triggered some not so great things again, and those things were the reason I halted my weight loss and started maintaining at the end of January, so it only makes sense to stop and maintain again.

I'll be honest and say I'm struggling with some things, and I have no doubt I brought it on myself by going back into weight-loss-mode.  I wasn't ready, and I learned my lesson, the hard way, as usual.  I'm still trying to recover, mentally, from April.  I am feeling a bit blue, and down on myself, and I'm trying to get past it, it's hard.  I wish I could verbalize the feelings, because I think releasing them would help me to get past them, but I just can't right now.  It's stuck in there and I can't seem to get it out.  I feel stable in one way, but like I spinning in another.  I want to be happy and content with myself.  I'm finding that to be very hard.  I have a problem separating myself from my body; meaning if I am even slightly unhappy with my body (ex. feeling like my stomach looks fat), I have a hard time being happy with ANY part of myself.

When I starting losing again, I basically stopped lifting, and that is typical for me.  I've found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things!  I'm being sulky, and lazy, and stubborn. 

I really don't know who all reads this, but if you are reading this and you are just starting to lose weight, or are already well into getting to your "goal", hear this:  Work on ALL of you, if you aren't already.  Those little voices in your head aren't going to go away once you are a certain weight, certain pant size, or any other certain goal, unless you figure out why they are REALLY there, and believe me it's not because you're fat.  You may think you know that already, but maybe there's a part of you that really thinks all those little issues will be solved if only you were X amount of weight lighter.  If you don't work on the head stuff, none of it will ever seem good enough.  You'll look in the mirror and be at a weight you never fathomed you could be, be wearing a pair of jeans in a size you never thought possible, yet still be discontent because of some bulge of fat you perceive.  You will sit there, if you don't work on these things, looking at yourself and wondering how you can be unhappy STILL!

I'm certainly not unique, these are things SO many people struggle with after losing weight.  Not all, but many.  I just don't want to be one of those people who pretends like it's all wonderful and that there isn't a ton of issues left behind, because there are, and there may be for you too.  And whether you are reading this right now thinking I'm one of the crazies, feeling sorry for me, or feeling empathy, or feeling glad you aren't alone, or feeling like that'll never be you, or feeling nothing at all, I feel it's important to share this.  I've been blogging about this since the beginning and I've shared it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the stupid, the ridiculous, the ranting and raving, the boring, the phases, and I think it's important to share what happens AFTER all the weight is lost.

If you are reading this now and you are overweight and wanting so badly not to be, know that you CAN do it, no question about it.  It is something that you are most certainly capable of.  Get on the rollercoaster, buckle up, hold on for dear life, and don't look back; but take care of yourself (ALL of yourself) while you're on the ride or else you'll be scraping yourself up off the pavement at the end, which is no fun even if you ARE a size 6.  You are good enough NOW, you are wonderful NOW, start believing it, and if you don't believe it, say it to yourself until you do believe it.

Monday, April 29, 2013

"You are not flawed, you are normal"

It's like the heavens opened up and the angels started to sing.

THIS blog is awesome.  THIS post is awesome.

This ideal, this body, that so many of us (not all, don't let me put words in anyone's mouth) chase isn't always physically possible.  This "perfect" size 2 or size 0, undimpled, smooth, blemishless, stretch mark free body, well the reality of it is that there are probably only a few people who actually have it without photoshop.  I will never have it, and there's nothing wrong with me for it.  I'm not NOT beautiful because of any of these things.  And if someone out there disagrees, who the F cares!?  You can't be everyone's ideal of beauty, wouldn't want to be because I am not here to be an object of desire for every douchey tool walking down the street.

I'm having these epiphanies left and right.  I don't have to be the smallest I can possibly get, eat as little as I can get away with without feeling like crap.  What do I want?  I want to be strong and feel good, and I am and I do, so I just have to keep going this same way.  I have this idea in my mind that I can't be happy until XYZ, NO!  That's ridiculous, I can be happy with my body now.  I get into the thinking "When my stomach looks like that, or when my legs look like this, THEN I can be happy", that's not a good or healthy way to look at myself.

This may seem like no-brainer stuff, or things I've already talked about, but it's like realizing it, REALLY realizing it is new to me.  The ideal, my friends, is to be healthy, love your body, and love yourself.  There's a way to accept yourself as you are, while still working to improve your fitness and overall health.  It isn't one or the other.  This is big stuff for me.

Cliche as it may be, the media perpetuates a message that women should be ashamed and embarassed of their bodies if there are any flaws.  They probably weren't considered flaws until the media decided they were.  I won't be one of those women, anymore, who longs to have that ideal body, I already have it.  MY body, which carried two children for 9 months each, labored and gave birth twice, has always done what I've asked it to, I'm allowed to love it NOW and not be ashamed of any of it.

Friday, April 26, 2013

This is a big deal

Whenever I feel like I have it all together, I know that it won't be long before I find myself in a heap.

I made a mistake.  I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode.  I'm not up for it physically or mentally.  I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds.  But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on!  I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous!  This stops now.  I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories.  That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is.  Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.

And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off.  It gets kind of miserable sometimes.  I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully.  I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough.  Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting.  Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better!    This has to stop.  It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now.  There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within. 

I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else.  Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good.  If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

New Running Record & Other Things

I ran 10 miles last night.  Last week I had gone out planning to run 5 miles and felt great and made it just a tad under 8 and a half miles.  I hadn't brought anything with me but my phone (for music), and thought I could have probably gone further if I'd had water.  So this time I strapped on my water belt.  That thing has just never worked right for me.  I've only worn it about 4 times, and each time I regretted it.  I set out last night and was miserable for the first 4.5 miles because of the godforsaken belt.  I ended up saying screw it, downed the water, and tossed the damn thing in a garbage can near a bus stop; least regretted $30 I've ever thrown away, I knew I wasn't going to make it all 10 miles with that belt on.  The next 5.5 miles were awesome!  I need to get one of those hand held bottles, I can't do a belt.

Going to take another maintenance break for a week or two.  I just can't eat in a deficit like I used to, I don't know if it's mental or physical or bother, but it sucks.  Maybe I can do like 3 weeks on 2 weeks off or some other variation of off/on. 

Today I just wanna eat like crap and baby my poor poor knees.

I love running.  I love running in that I have always hated running and now I've made running my bitch.  I will do a marathon one of these days, hell maybe I'll do the one in January.  At this point I know I could probably go out  next week and do a half marathon. 

Anyway, another one of my radom filled blog posts where you get to see just how all over the place my thoughts are.

32 (A Remake of Taylor Swift's 22)

It feels like one of those nights to take my bra off,
and catch up on Netflix, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night to watch a whole season,
of some real old show, uh uh uh uh


We're happy busy loved and tired at the same time.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget by drinking lotsa wine,
it's time, uh uh

I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about  me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32

It seems like one of those nights this place is too crowded,
too many dang kids, and toys uh uh
It seems like one of those nights we ditch the whole thing,
and end up sleeping instead of cleaning!


We're happy busy loved and tired that's the best news.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget about the bills due,
it's time, uh uh

I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32

Don't know about you, 32, 32

It feels like one of those nights,
We wear our yoga pants
It feels like one of those nights,
The kids are sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You have some good news, you paid the bills due, I'm guna kiss you

I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32

Actin' like 32, yeah 32, yeah yeah

It feels like one of those nights,
clean puke at midnight
It feels like one of those nights,
we won't be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You smell like bad poo, I gotta change you, I gotta change you