April Losses

As promised...

-8.4 pounds
-34.25 total inches lost
-2.6% body fat

Inches broken down:
Neck - .5
Upper Arm -2 ea.
Middle Arm -1/2 ea.
Lower Arm -.375 ea.
Bust -4.75
Chest @ Armpits -4.25
Under Bust -3
Waist @ Belly Button -2.5  (I forgot to take my natural waist measurement last month)
Hips -4.75
Butt -2
Upper Thighs -1.5 ea.
Middle Legs -1.375 ea.
Upper Calves -1.5 ea.
Middle Calves -0

I'm pretty darn impressed with the inches lost!  I'm so glad I took them because 8.4 lbs (while good) doesn't seem like that much considering how much I have to lose, but the inches are VERY motivating!

Newer Goals

As the end of April nears I'm excited to post all of my losses (I will do so 4/30).  I weigh myself all the time so I know how much weight I've lost this month (there's still 2 days left), but I've snuck a couple early measurements and I'm thrilled with what I've seen.  Actually getting to the end of this month and having been consistent (not perfect, but consistent) is a huge motivator for me; I've inspired myself, and in doing so I'm more awesome.  I do feel like part of my motivation is that I've put all of this out there to all the millions who read my blog (and by millions I mean all 3 of you, HA!), so the accountability is higher.  I've put together some goals and would like to post them as to remain accountable throughout the months ahead.  My high weight happened at 9 months pregnant this past December, and all of the numbers will be based off of that weight.  And while I know it really doesn't matter in the end, I'm just not quite ready to share exact weights yet.  So here are my goals.


1. By my 30th birthday (August 29, 2012) my goal is to have lost a total of 66 pounds or more (remember that's from my high weight, not from today, I've already put a 30+ pounds dent in that sucker).

2. By Halloween my goal is to have lost a total of 82 pounds or more.

3. Run the Mud Factor 5k November 17th, 2012.

4. By March 22nd, 2013 (the year anniversary from when I started this journey), my goal is to have lost a total of 100 pounds or more.  And in case you are wondering it will put me at a perfectly normal and reasonable weight for my height (5'6" tall).

All of the weight goals are based off of a 2 lb a week average loss, so it's totally reasonable.  Don't freak out!  Calm down!  I'm doing this in a healthy way, not counting on 5 lbs a week or anything crazy.  I'm working hard for this and have recently revised my ultimate weight loss goal.  Why?  Because I have a certain weight in my head that I think I can achieve because I've been that weight before, and I looked good.  But I know that I could've gotten in better shape than that, so even though I haven't been at that weight before, I know I CAN if I work my ass off (literally) for it.

I hope to add more goals that aren't weight related.  I want to run a marathon eventually, but I think I might put that for like January 2014, but I'll see where I'm at as months go by.

Being Awesome

I've been obsessively reading Brad Pilon's website (I love his blogs and his ideas, and he's not bad to look at either), and one post I ran across today was about being awesome.  He says that "Being awesome is: The ability to inspire yourself and be inspired by yourself".  I LOVE that!  He goes on to talk about how owning your own goals and not worrying about what other people think of them, or what other people's goals are, or basically anything to do with other people, increases one's awesomeness.  So I'm going to be awesome, all day, everyday, from now on.  AWESOME!

In the end, it really is all about love

Today.  Today was an experience.  I swear I had more breakthroughs in the past 5 weeks than in years and years!

I got a free session with a personal trainer for signing up with Fitness 1.  I've been there done that AS a trainer (training new clients for free to try and get them to buy sessions), so I figured whatever I'd go and get a good workout in and get to know some of the staff (I really like to feel like I belong when I'm a member of a gym).  So I get there and hop on a treadmill to warm up while I was waiting for him (after filling out a little questionnaire in which I was highly tempted to lie about my weight, but decided that was counterproductive).  The first trainer (I think the head one, his name is Kelly) had me come over to talk to him, then I met the trainer that would be training me (Jason, ironically enough), and we talked for a bit.  I told him I was up for anything (I would regret that).  I, honest to GOD, have never worked out that hard in my life.  I've never been very good at being consistent with with weight training and conditioning.  Cardio and diet I can do just fine (and by just fine I mean that I feel capable of doing it, not that I find it easy), but that 3rd aspect is what is challenging for me to actually DO because I have a hard time pushing myself.  So he puts me through this workout and he sees how much I'm struggling, and I've told him how I was a trainer and have gained all this weight and feel miserable and after a particularly difficult round of hell he says to me "You shouldn't be like this" (meaning struggling and so incredibly out of shape and overweight) .  And he said it in a sincere way, not in a mean way at all, but it just struck a nerve because, boy, it's SOOOO true!  I'm 29 years old, physically capable, and knowledgeable about health, fitness, nutrition, and working out; there is NO reason for me to be sitting here so overweight.  And the pregnancies are no excuse because with each pregnancy I was at the same starting weight, which was still at LEAST 40 pounds overweight.  Anyway, after he said that I started to cry, not because it hurt my feelings, but because it's so hard to take a look at yourself and see that you've done this to yourself.  It's seriously been a gut wrenching journey so far, and it's not going to get easier.  That is another thing that he and I talked about; it's not easy, it's going to be A LOT of work!  After my workout I sat down with Kelly and Jason again, of course I know they're trying to sell me personal training sessions, but I've known and met dozens and dozens of trainers and salesmen at gyms over the years I worked in them, and these guys are cool.  They were so encouraging, and for some reason it seems to resonate more hearing encouraging words from strangers than from loved ones.

Tonight I sit here with a very big mixture of feelings.  I feel strong, but I also feel weak.  I feel sad, but I also feel extremely encouraged.  I feel like there is no doubt that I CAN do whatever I want to do, with no limitations.  I feel grateful for everyday of this journey so far. It's about so much more than weight loss, it's about finding myself again, facing things I haven't before -- like loving myself.  In the end, it's all about love, like most things are.

If at first you don't succeed...

The last couple days have been rough mentally.  I went totally off plan yesterday after it had been leading up to that for 2 days prior.  I tend to get very down on myself when I do that.  What set me off was the (excuse the language) total bitch at the gym on Thursday.  I can take bitchiness, I work at a high school for goodness sake, but I think it was that I was so excited to go back to the gym and she kind of rained on my parade.  So I basically spent 3 days sulking about my ruined plans.  Wow, what a big huge baby!  Not-so-long-story even shorter, I went to a different gym today and Jason and I joined.  It's only a few miles away, and it's brand new.  The guy was really nice and the rate was better than the other gym anyway (take that stupid gym skank).  So I went home and changed and went back and worked out.  I need that reason to get out of the house and now I have it.  I'm super stoked (do people still say stoked?).  I'm planning to get up before Jason goes to work tomorrow and get a workout in.  Not to say I would never go at night, but I'm more likely to get it done early when I'm not so exhausted from life all day.  I got back on plan today with a mini-fast and sensible dinner, and lots of water of course.  Back on track now. 

One thing I have learned over years of diets, weight loss attempt successes and failures, is that you don't have to be perfect 100% of the time, but you do have to keep trying.  One slip up doesn't ruin everything (this I have to keep telling myself all the time because I still don't quite believe it), just as one amazing day doesn't get you to your goal.  I have all the pieces of the puzzle now, now it's just a matter of putting the puzzle together.

UG!

I had been doing very well this week.  Added back some fruit, nuts, dairy, all in allotted portions.  I've felt really good.  Today just didn't go so well.

I woke up around 5:40 a.m. to get ready for work (Thursdays I work 7 to 11).  My eyes, which just got permanent eyeliner yesterday, were extremely swollen.  I showered, got dressed, ate breakfast (a small apple with a serving of almond butter, and 2 hard boiled eggs), packed a little snack (carrots and snow peas).  I felt a little self conscious of my eyes which right now look like a cross between horrible allergies, a rough night of drinking, and like I've been punched.  Anyway, work was fine and I got off a half hour early.  So I decided to stop by the gym right by our house as I had a "30 days free" pass.  So I walk in and have to wait at the front desk because no one is there.  The girl (probably mid 20s, and fairly chunky) comes up and I can already tell she has an attitude by the way she asks how she can help me.  I explain I got this 30 days free pass, and she explains back that it's 30 days free if you sign a year contract.  I wasn't really put off by that because I know there's always a catch, no biggie, but the way she said it was so snotty and rude!  So I ask if I can get like a week long pass to see if I want to join (I've been a member there before, but it's under new ownership now and I wanted to make sure I liked the atmosphere before I joined).  She gives me a dirty look and explains there is no week long pass.  So (and may I add I've been extremely NICE and friendly throughout this ordeal even though she's acting like a total beeotch) I say "So there's no way to find out if I like it here before I'm expected to sign up for an entire year?", and seriously I say it nicely, sincerely asking.  She says "Well, we have a 1 day pass if that's what you mean".  I turned around and walked out.  I seriously wanted to cry!  I was so excited to start going to the gym again.  So I came home and I was starving so I had lunch about an hour later (I tried to eat right away but sometimes the kids make that impossible).  Not that long later I had a snack.  Then Jason called to tell me that he got hired on permanent (he's been temp to hire since he started about 2 months ago).  That was super great news!!!  Such a relief, such a weight off.  I don't know what exactly set me off today, if it was the good news, or the confrontation at the gym, or if I got too hungry, or if it's my eyes hurting so much, or if I was actually truly hungry, but I ate too much!  I didn't eat anything "bad", I just had too many things.  I finally feel full, but I don't know if I was physically hungry or if it was something else.

That's the another piece of this puzzle for me, trying to decipher between actual hunger and whatever that other feeling is that makes me want to eat.  It's not something that happens everyday or even once a week.  If that's not something you have ever struggled with, it's not something you can probably understand.  Those little "tricks" like drinking water, or waiting a half hour, or chewing gum, don't work when this switch in my head gets flipped.  It's not about gaining self control, it's about figuring out what triggers this in me.

For accountability's sake this is what I ate today:

Breakfast: 1 small apple, 2 tbsp almond butter, 2 hard boiled eggs.
Snack:  snow peas, carrots, probably a half cup each (I typically don't worry about portions of veggies)
Lunch: 1 string cheese, 1/4 cup of nuts (macadamia, and hazelnuts), 1/2 serving dark chocolate, 2 tbsp dried cranberries, cucumbers, carrots, snow peas, red yellow orange and green bell pepper (again, I don't really worry about the serving size of veggies like these).
Snack: 2 hard boiled eggs and more carrots and snow peas.
(and here comes where the problem happened)
1 ounce turkey and 1 slice Havarti cheese
1/2 serving dark chocolate
1 or 2 ounces of Monterrey Jack cheese (I didn't weigh it)
1/4 cup macadamia nuts with 1/4 cup dried cranberries
1 large banana with 2 tbsp peanut butter
1/2 cup strawberries

If it wasn't for the total of 4 servings of nuts, and 3 or 4 servings of cheese, it wouldn't be that bad, but that's a hell of a lot of calories!  I am, however, proud of myself for not eating those cookies sitting on the counter that Emma picked out over the weekend, or any of the other junk foods in the house including the McDonald's fries that my Mother in Law got for Emma that she didn't touch that were calling my name.  I do give myself some credit for that.

I've been feeling pretty smug about "figuring out" that I need to cut out processed sugars and flours and basically grains (for myself, not saying everyone needs to).  This definitely put me in check today that I need to be mindful of this still, and that I certainly don't have it all figured out at all.

7 Day Challenge Summary

So for the past 7 days I have been doing a challenge.  It went like this:

Day 1: All vegetables, mostly raw, a serving or 2 of extra virgin olive oil or coconut oil allowed, vinegars allowed for dressings.  Green tea allowed, 1 cup of black coffee allowed (I didn't drink any coffee myself).
Days 2-4:  Same as day 1 but 20-25 grams of protein added twice.
Days 5-7:  Same as day 1 but 20-25 grams of protein added four times.
Day 7: I cheated and took a bite of fruit.  (I felt obligated to add this.)

Weight lost: 6.6 pounds from Monday morning 4/9 to Monday morning 4/16.  Which really gave me a 4.4 pound loss, as I had gained 2.2 over Easter weekend.  That's a HUGE loss for me.

I had a breakfast this morning much like I have been with a few tweaks.  I had 2 hard boiled eggs, butternut squash, carrots, and some banana and strawberry yonanas (basically frozen banana and strawberries).

This week the only changes I am making is adding in sweet potatoes, some fruit, some dairy (mainly in the form of plain Greek yogurt), some nuts, and probably some legumes.  I'm going to wait on adding any grains back for a little while.  The goal is to just have whole foods, nothing processed.  I really really really don't want to count calories anymore and I am hoping that this way of eating will allow for me to not have to do that.

Whole foods and portion control are my new eating plan.  Unlimited veggies, up to 2-3 servings of fruit per day, 1-2 serving dairy, protein 3-4 times per day (at around 20-25 grams of protein per serving), legumes a couple times a week, nuts once a day preferably (2 max) including natural peanut butter if wanted.  Doing a rough caloric estimate that should put me between 1200-1700/day, which is perfect.  If at any point I show a gain over the period of a week or 2 (water weight happens due to change in diet or exercise, so you can't freak if the scale shows a gain over the course of a couple days), I will reevaluate.  For now, I am thrilled to not have to count calories, and really hope the whole foods will not only help with my weight loss, but will just make me healthy over all.  Also I need to start exercising again, I missed an entire week!

I would recommend this challenge to anyone trying to change their lifestyle as a segue into healthy eating, or to someone already leading a healthy lifestyle who wants to do a cleanse or renewal of their current way of eating.  Obviously if you do this for 7 days then go back to crappy eating it doesn't really hold much benefit in the long run.  It's not meant to be a crash diet (at least from my perspective), it's meant to restore you, cleanse you, and detox you.  It's not easy (at least it wasn't for me), but it was definitely worth it.

End of Challenge

One of the really fabulous side effects of this week has been Emma's new found curiosity with what I'm eating.  She has tried more new vegetables this week (with absolutely no coaxing from me) than ever in her life!  Sometimes I forget how much little ones watch our every move and mimic our behavior.  It has pushed me and inspired me to keep with it and make this a life long way of eating.  Kids really don't buy the whole "do as I say and not as I do" attitude, you really do have to lead by example.  And the good thing is that it is never too late to be a good example.  In fact, I think that it's a super great to show kids that a person has the power to change their behaviors at any time.  I'm very blessed to have a husband who not only supports me in basically everything I do, or attempt, but who also has desire to lead a healthy life.

Another person who has been inspiring me is my brother.  He has struggled with drug addiction for years, and 37 days ago made a change in his life, the hardest change he's ever had to make.  He is 37 days clean today and I am so unbelievably proud of him that it chokes me up every time I think about it.  I know that if he can do what he's doing, that I can eat some damn vegetables and refrain from binging on cookies!  It puts things in perspective for me BIG time.

I have to admit I did cheat today.  I bought a Yonanas and made a banana strawberry one for Emma, and I tasted it.  So 1 bite of fruit tarnished my perfect week.  Ahhhhhhh, the shame!!!  Also I didn't workout yesterday :o or yet today! 

Beginning of the End - Day 7

Just wanted to check in.  Day 6 ended well.  Luke slept better last night.  So far so good today!  Jason and I are going to an early showing of Hunger Games.  I have to try not to drink too much water before we go because I don't want to have to get up to pee every 45 minutes!  I'm not worried about being tempted by the theater food because it's so expensive, even if we weren't doing the challenge we wouldn't buy anything (although I'm sure the smell of popcorn will taunt me).  I'm very excited to have so fruit and yogurt (plain greek yogurt) with my breakfast tomorrow.  And I think I want to go get one of those Yonanas things!  Might be a fun way to have a healthy and sweet snack (for the whole family) as it only uses frozen fruit and nothing else.  I will check in again later (more for myself than anything).

Day 6 and Weight Re-Cap

I got a good night sleep last night (Jason didn't, you can tell who had Luke for the night), which really reflected on the scale this morning.  I'm down a total of 5.6 lbs since Monday (or 3.4 not counting the newly gained 2.2 from Easter weekend).  Now I'm finally losing baby weight and not just the 12 lbs that I gained since I stopped breastfeeding.  Since I started a little over 3 weeks (3/21) ago I've lost 13.6 lbs!  I have 13.2 more lbs of baby weight to lose, then at least around 40 more pounds after that; but for right now I'm just focusing on the rest of the baby weight so the number isn't so overwhelming!  I try not to focus too much on "date" goals, but I'd like to have all the baby weight off by the end of May (that's like 2 lbs a week), so it's possible.  Then I'd like to be at the next goal by Halloween (again about 2 lbs a week).  Then once I get there I'll reassess and see if I'd like to lose more or just maintain.

Just today and tomorrow left in the challenge!  I'm excited to eat some fruit Monday.

End day 5

I am so ridiculously tired!  I've been full of excuses about working out this week, today is no exception.  I vow to get back to things tomorrow (or Sunday, or. . . just kidding, I'll do it tomorrow, for realsies).  Today was a little more trying than yesterday was, challenge wise (life wise).  I left for work early and stopped at Sprouts to get myself some lunch, I bought a huge thing of mixed spring greens and spinach, some sliced chicken breast (made sure nothing added ingredient wise), some snap peas, and a olive oil vinaigrette (again made sure there was no added unwanted ingredients).  I'll tell you what, it was very hard to walk past all of the foods that actually LOOKED good to eat.  I did good though.  I'm so many days in I would not blow all my hard work now!  I really enjoyed dinner.  I'm glad this day is almost over!

Boneless skinless chicken breast, asparagus, and cauliflower mash.

Day 5, and Other Things

My energy level is very low today.  Luke did not sleep well  last night, which means neither did I; maybe 5 hours of very broken up sleep.  He's been sleeping almost all the way through the night for a week now, so last night was a very unpleasant surprise.  It's one of those days I can't wait to go to work and get a "break" from the kids.  I only work 10-12 hours a week, but it is MUCH needed.  I love them with my whole heart and soul, but for goodness sake they NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE.  HA!  I know that's part of being a mom, and like 96% of the time I'm perfectly fine with never going to the bathroom alone, always being beckoned for a bottle or a "wipe me mommy", or never getting to eat a meal straight through, or just about any teensy thing either one might just think they need or want.  Sometimes you just need a bit of time away to regain your sanity!  I'm feeling slightly insane today, so I know it's good timing for a few hours of work.  Jason and I are actually going to see a movie this weekend, which should also help with my sanity level (Hunger Games here I come!).

7 day challenge wise: had to kind of choke down my eggs and veg this morning.  I get to have protein 4 times today and I'm not quite sure what all that will consist of.  Chicken for dinner for sure.  I need to go get some different veggies as all of a sudden the ones I've been eating and enjoying are making me want to puke today. 

Well, I'm off! 

End of Day 4

Breakfast - Scrambled eggs with asparagus, white onion, spinach, red, yellow, green, and orange bell pepper.

Lunch- Asparagus, cauliflower, broccoli, and butternut squash.

Dinner - Tofu on a bed of broccoli, red and green cabbage, red orange yellow and green bell peppers, white onion, and sugar snap peas.

I've made it through phase 2 of the 7 day challenge!  Tomorrow through day 7 I can have protein with all 4 meals.  The hard part is over, and truly I am enjoying veggies more every meal.  I'm proud of myself, and I feel great!  If I can do this, anyone can!

Day 4

I can't even really describe how amazing I feel today!  Just a few hours into the 4th day, and WOW!  I just had no clue how much the food I was eating was affecting me.  I have been at this whole thing for over 3 weeks now, so I thought I had been eating pretty darn good.  I went into all of this with a much more open mind than I have in the past.  Because in the past even though I *said* I wanted to be healthy, what I really wanted was to be skinny.  While I still want to lose weight (a lot of it), if being healthy means I will feel this good (or better) all the time, I'M IN either way.  Obviously weight loss will come with a healthy diet and consistent exercise, so it's a win/win situation.

I think there are some things in life you hear about a lot, over and over, and you get a little desensitized to it, or even a little cynical (I'm the queen of cynical).  There are so many shows, books, magazines, dvds, and on and on, about being healthy, eating healthy, exercising, that I thought I'd done it all over the years.  But I never stopped to really fully practice a healthy lifestyle, I half-assed it (as I do with so many thing).  I'm full-assing this thing (and that's a lot of ass!), and I'm so glad I jumped in full force!  This has been such a great experience so far, so eye opening!

(Almost) End of Day 3

For lunch: Tilapia with asperagus, cucumber, and orange, green and yellow bell pepper.

Today has been the best of the 3 days.  I feel pretty darn good!  I've enjoyed all the food I've eaten today including my (not pictured) chicken breakfast salad.  I think my skin looks better, obviously I've lost a little weight, but I just feel, well, better.  While I feel hungry and perhaps not quite as satisfied (read - FULL) after these meals, I can tell my body likes them, and is working better.  I haven't felt bloated since I started, which I didn't realize how bloated I must always feel in comparison.  I feel like my mind has more clarity.  I'm still not the picture of patience, but I think I've been in a better, or more stable, mood over all than I have been.  It's definitely not as hard as I thought it would be.  I've found myself thinking about how to make meals revolving around vegetables rather than thinking of how to choke them down and not putting any effort into trying to make them taste good.

I went into this week kind of to restart things after a day of binge eating, to lose some weight, and to please my dear husband who has been trying to get me to do this for ages -- but it's already ended up putting me in a different place than I was just a couple days ago.  I think I didn't realize how much the food itself affected me.  Even though logically I know healthy foods vs. junk foods are better for you, I didn't fully grasp thisuntil now.  One of those light bulb moments, love that!

For dinner:  Spaghetti squash with a homemade marinara (fresh tomatoes, white onion, garlic, red bell pepper, carrots, fresh basil, and seasoned with salt, pepper, parsley, and oregano), with cranberry pomegranate green tea.

Start of Day 3

I'm down a total of 3.2 since Monday!  That's the 2.2 I gained over the weekend plus an additional 1!  That's great for me as I've been averaging about 1.8 per week.  But as I mentioned before, I'm fine with slow and steady!

So, day 3.  Today continues all day veg, and lean protein with 2 of the 4 meals.  I had a big salad with 4 ounces of chicken on it for breakfast (a breakfast salad! eggs just didn't sound good today).  Lunch will be Tilapia with acorn squash, probably some other veg as well, we have a ton!   For dinner tonight I'm making spaghetti squash and a homemade chunky tomato sauce (although tomatoes are not a veg, they are allowed, so I'm going for it).  Jason is starting the 7 day challenge today.  Since he had that out patient procedure yesterday he didn't want to start it until that was over.  He's done it before, so I'm excited to have him join me for the support.  I am planning to get a workout in today finally.  I have been slacking in that area!

I feel really good today!  No doubt from eating only healthy, really good for the body, type of foods!  I could get used to this I think!

End of Day 2

Omelet with yellow, orange, and red bell peppers, white onion, asparagus, and spinach.

Today hasn't been too bad actually.  It was awesome to have eggs this morning and chicken this evening, I felt full after both of those meals.  I don't know how anyone gets full on veggies alone!  The sheer quantity in which one would have to eat would far exceed the amount one's stomach is capable of holding.  HA!  I've also found it takes a lot more time to eat vegetables than other foods, I've mainly had raw veg, that's probably why.  The one draw back (other than being hungry a lot, and eating gross vegetables all day) is I don't have much energy at all.  I'd think most likely due to the fact that by nature it's very low in calories! And ya I admit, not all of  the vegetables are gross.

Tomorrow will be a whole different challenge than the last 2 days have been.  Tomorrow I will be home alone with the kids all day.  I normally am, but the last 2 days have been a little varied.  I think it's been good to be out of the house and busy.  I must keep busy tomorrow!

Beginning Day 2 of 7

7 a.m. day 2.  I've been up 2 hours already (joys of having a small baby).  Yesterday ended up great!  Made it through the whole day on plan; all veggies, well over a gallon of water, 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil, apple cider vinegar, 1 teaspoon coconut oil, green tea.  I felt very tired and weak by the end of the day!  And I didn't get my run in, boo to me!

Today is going to carry its own challenges.  I will be gone from about 10:45 until, well I don't know when, maybe 3:30 or 4.  So I have to take food with me, as well as water, as well as ways to keep myself busy while waiting.

So far I'm down 1.8 lbs.  I gained 2.2 over the weekend (obviously mostly water weight as there's no way I ate an excess of 7000 calories in my 26.5 hour free for all over the weekend).  So that's good!  Typically it would take me 4 to 5 days to get back to where I was before a day like that.  I'd like to lose a total of 5 during this week, which I think is pretty realistic as 2.2 of it is just from the weekend.  Enough with the numbers!

I will most likely update later today to keep myself busy.  For now, I think I'll go have breakfast.  I never thought I would look so forward to having eggs!  Plan:  4 eggs, red, yellow, and orange bell peppers, white onion, spinach, and I haven't decided if I want to add asparagus or not.  O-M-G I'm so hungry!

Gag - Mid Day 1 Update on 7 Day Challenge

So for breakfast I had butternut squash and bell peppers (red, yellow, and orange).  I will not lie and say it was satisfying, because it wasn't.  It actually became very hard to eat.  My body rejects vegetables, I must retrain it.

As I now type I am chewing on some salad; it's mixed greens (iceberg, spinach, maybe some romaine I can't tell), I see some purple cabbage in there, carrots, zucchini, shredded broccoli stems.  I topped it off with the allowed tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil and some apple cider vinegar.  I've been eating it for like 10 minutes already and have barely made a dent.  If it were a side salad I would probably enjoy it, but as a main course it's so GROSS!  Honestly I'd rather not eat at all, but that defeats the purpose of the challenge.

So I shall carry on and gag down my disgusting salad, and if I'm brave I will also eat the carrots, cucumbers, and rest of the peppers that I brought.  Seriously, so gross!  Complaining?  Indeed.

20 minutes now, more than half of salad left.  Must. Go. On.  Must keep reminding myself this is only for 1 day and tomorrow I can have some protein.  Ok I'll stop, because if I keep going I will just keep complaining.

Challenge Accepted - Day 1

So I made a big mistake this weekend.  It's a mistake I think we have all made, one that people make even when not trying to lose weight.  This mistake is: Grocery shopping while hungry!  You know, you get home and somehow all you got was a chocolate bar, fritos, and a tomato.  Well in this case I went to do last minute Easter shopping for the kids (I have never not done last minute holiday shopping.  Example: I was shopping this past Christmas Eve, which was  4 days after I gave birth).  Anyway, there I was in Target surrounded by all that candy, I knew I had to hurry and get out of there.  I made it!  BUT, by the time I got home my strong commitment to my diet had been buried by the monster - the HUNGER MONSTER.  I decided (after making about 100 excuses why it was justified) to take 24 hours off.  Cookies, beer, pizza, (then the next day) waffles, bacon, sausage, muffins, cupcakes, ham, pasta with meatballs, macaroni salad, potato salad, candy; honest to God when it was all over at about 2:30pm yesterday (which was 26.5 hours b-t-dubs) I felt so disgusting and bloated I couldn't believe I had given myself permission to do that to myself, because in the end I didn't enjoy it at all.  And so continues my f-ed up relationship with food.  Yuck! 

So I decided to do this 7 day challenge that my hubs has been trying to get me to do.  It's kind of like a cleanse in a way I guess.  Day 1 is ALL veggies (no sweet potatoes or white potatoes though) and you are supposed to have 4 meals, but you can have snacks if you want.  Day 2 - 4 you can have 25 grams of any lean protein (including eggs, tofu, chicken etc.) with 2 meals.  Day 5 - 7 you have 25 grams of lean protein with every meal.  Also you're supposed to drink at least a gallon of water a day, and you are allowed unsweetened tea or black coffee.  Then, ideally, after the 7 days is over you just start adding back other foods like fruit, maybe some grains here and there, plus sweet potatoes etc.  Really I think it's supposed to set you up to just eat super healthy, and you can repeat the 7 day challenge every 8 weeks if you want to.

I am NOT a vegetable lover at all, so this is going to be really hard for me.  But I think it will be good, and honestly I need to prove to myself that I can do it.  The calorie counting has already gotten tedious, so this basically gives me a week off it it to figure out what will be next without letting my diet go to shit.  Typically when things start getting tedious I just give up instead of finding some other way to go about things, usually because I'm looking for a reason, nay, excuse, to give up.  I'm really serious about this though, so if one thing doesn't work I need to move on to the next thing and continue to find what works for me so this can be (and forgive the cliche) a lifestyle for me rather than a short term "fix".

I really had decided I wouldn't blog about this challenge until it was over, basically because I figured if I failed I would feel embarrassed to come on here and admit it.  I felt like that was setting myself up for failure though, so here I am putting it out there in hopes it will aid me in sticking with it.  I will try to post about it at least once a day to keep me going.  Here goes nothin'.

Inspiration for Change of Any Kind

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.

Mary Anne Radmacher

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Thomas A. Edison  

Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.
Saint Francis de Sales

The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.
Benjamin Mays

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. 

Mark Twain 

You must do the thing you think you cannot do. 

Eleanor Roosevelt

Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

Ralph Marston 

You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.

Lee Iacocca  
 
The first and the best victory is to conquer self.
Plato 
 

 If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.

Maya Angelou

 Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

George Bernard Shaw

 One may walk over the highest mountain one step at a time.

John Wanamaker

You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.

Mike Murdock

Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.

Henry Ford 

It’s not who you think you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not.

Unknown 

If doubt is challenging you and you do not act, doubts will grow. Challenge the doubts with action and you will grow. Doubt and action are incompatible.

John Kanary

Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.

Mark Victor Hansen

Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.

Denis Waitley

Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.

Norman Vincent Peale

You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change.

Les Brown

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

Dr. Robert Anthony

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

Jack Dixon

Quite often we change our jobs, friends and spouses instead of changing ourselves.

Akbarali H. Jetha

You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.

Mike Murdock

If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.

John Maxwell

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.

Wayne Dyer

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.

Dr. Denis Waitley

Choice, not chance, determines destiny.

E.C. McKenzie

Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work.

H. L. Hunt

There are only two options regarding commitment; you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in-between.

Pat Riley

There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.

Unknown

Stay committed to your decisions; but stay flexible in your approach.

Tony Robbins

Courage is a resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.

Mark Twain

 The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.

William Jennings Bryan

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.

Thomas Jefferson

No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, positively do have the power to change.

Bill Phillips

Dear 23 Year Old Self,

June 2006

Awww look how cute you are 23 year old Stephanie!  That'll be up on myspace in about 2 seconds won't it!?  Seeing you makes me kind of sad, but what I really want to say is. . . You are an ASS!  I'd congratulate you on your 60 pound weight loss but that would be like congratulating a robber on his newly acquired fortune.  You didn't do this the right way and you will regret that.  You smoke, you starve yourself, you do up to 4 hours of cardio a day.  You don't take care of yourself and you will pay for that.  All those days you didn't eat enough and just smoked, and drank diet sodas and energy drinks won't have been worth it in the end.  It took you the better part of a year to get here and it will take you less than that to gain it all back.   Look at your cute little tummy!  6 years, 2 pregnancies, many dozen pounds, and a gall bladder removal from now you will look at this tummy with a certain amount of jealousy and awe at the lack of scars, stretch marks, and fat.  But you will also look at it with some pity, because you will know how hungry it is!  23 year old Stephanie, if only you knew what I know now!  But you don't, you're a dumb idiot and you will learn all your lessons the hard way.  Ah, but that is life.  Thanks 23 year old self for reminding me that it is worth it to take care of myself and treat myself kindly.  Thank you for doing things the wrong way so that I could learn from your mistakes.  Thank you for showing me that doing things the quickest way doesn't mean it's the best way.  Thanks for teaching me to focus on health rather than vanity!  And thanks for reminding me there is indeed still a hottie inside me somewhere.

Love,
29 Year Old Self

P.S.  You still will have those junior size jeans you are wearing there, but because of the 2 cute kids you have they may never fit again, just a heads up!  Also wait a few more years to buy a house, the market is going to go down the shitter.

An Ode to my Scale

Oh scale, you are like an old friend, in that when you tell me what I want to hear I think fondly of you, and when you don't I call you names under my breath.  You are always there waiting for me no matter how long I've been away; there to tell me how bad I do without you.  When we are close, I see you several times a day.  Sometimes you are such a liar though and I want to smash you with a sledge hammer.  At times I think you are just jealous of my relationship with food, though you remind me every time I see you that that relationship is abusive.  I don't want to believe what you say sometimes, so I have you tell me 20 times in 3 minutes.  Sometimes I feel like you really get me, and sometimes I think you don't know me at all.  I wish you would tell my pants what you told me this morning, as they don't believe me yet.  There are so many things I want you to tell me, but you are one of those mysterious friends who only tells me a little bit at a time, even though I want to hear more and more and more.  I will be patient with you though, I will let you take it slow knowing, in the end, you will tell me exactly what I want to hear.  Until I see you again, scale, rest well.

Excuses, Excuses

Almost 2 weeks ago now I decided to stop bull-shitting myself, stop with the excuses, and if I was unhappy with something in my life that I needed to stop complaining about it and change it.  Boy, I don't think I ever realized how many excuses I have for myself in one given day.  I read a quote (don't know who said it or if this is it exactly) that said something to the effect of "If you are still making excuses for your actions, then you aren't ready to change them".  Boy, it's really hard to be brutally honest with yourself, that's probably why so many people are not!  I keep reminding myself that things usually get worse before they get better, but this has turned into much more than just about "letting myself go", which I guess shouldn't surprise me.  Being overweight is rarely as simple as liking cake too much, although I do like me some cake (obvs).  It would be like saying a drug addict just likes getting high, or an alcoholic just likes to drink.  Ya it's as "simple" as not overeating, and exercising; or it's as "simple" as just quit doing drugs or drinking alcohol.  Simple doesn't mean EASY!  It's never easy to make big changes in your life, and if you want them to be permanent changes, you have to put the work in, no matter what that change is (wow, how many times can I say 'change' in one sentence?).

I will blog a full report of my losses on May 1st, whether or not they are stupendous or humbling.  I took all my measurements, as well as my body fat % on March 31st, and have been tracking my weight since day 1.  I am excited to have this accountability.  No matter how few people read this is irrelevant, the fact that it's out there makes me feel a certain extra motivation, which I need.

Tonight I will make no excuses for why I can't go for a run.  Tonight I WILL run, just like the other nights I said I will and have.  Tonight I will push a little harder, and tomorrow I will be glad I did.