Brutal, it's just brutal

Alright, honesty.

This Rapid Fat Loss diet is ridiculous for me, and I'm not doing it anymore.  Have been talking myself into it for 8 days because I'm loving see the weight melt off this far in!  It's very odd to have lost as much as I have, be at a "normal" weight, and be able to drop nearly 7 pounds in a week.  Even though it's obviously a lot of water weight, I've been dieting a long time and to me it was unexpected.  But I've felt like shit the entire time I've been doing this plan, it's just been masked my by happiness with the scale.  I've literally felt like I'm going to pass out every time I stand up.  And I thought to myself well it's a trade off for losing weight so fast and I like that.  But I'm very edgy and anxious and just can't physically do ANYTHING.  That's insane!  And of course I know this, but the weight loss is almost like a drug, and I'm totally addicted.  The more I lose the more I want to lose.  But when will it be enough?  I'm afraid it won't ever be.  I have a lot of fear about that actually.  Will I ever be happy?  Am I already one of those people who complains they're fat but really they aren't?  I don't know!  I know I look good compared to how I USED to look, which should make me feel great all the time.  And I DO feel great a lot of the time, but then I hit these moments, sometimes many moments, where I feel so disgusting still.  I put on my new size 8 jeans this morning and they make me feel fat because they are tight, not TOO tight, but form fitting.  How the hell can I feel fat still?!  I took them off and put on a pair of size 10s, which were much looser and thus more comfortable.  Now, to many thin people a 10 is probably enormous, but what the hell do I care what other people think!?  I know I do look good, so why is it not good enough yet?  Today I am not counting calories, I'm going to eat what sounds good, be reasonable, not pig out but eat like a normal person, and try my hardest not to feel guilty. 

The mental part of losing weight is much much much more exhausting to me than the exercise and calorie deficit.  I feel like a total head case.  The thing about being fat is that you can kind of blame your short comings and faults on it.  Even though I know that none of my issues, other than being fat itself, had to do with being fat -- it was easy to blame all of my self esteem, body image, and confidence issues on the fat.  Once you strip that away and are left to look at yourself and you still see all that crap it just makes you feel like you don't know anything about yourself anymore.  I look in the mirror and focus on the faults in my body to try and distract myself from my other faults.  Logically, I know this.  I guess that's something.

I'll tell you what though, my 85 pound heavier self would be pissed at my 85 pound lighter self for being unhappy about my body still.

YAY!!! (And RFL - Day 8)

Got off work a little early and went and tried on clothes for fun (I do that now!), and I officially fit into a size 8 in women's, size 9 in juniors (holy crap I can fit into juniors clothes!?  I haven't tried on juniors clothes in years!).  I went to two stores and tried on several different brands of jeans, dress pants, dresses, and skirts; I needed to ensure it wasn't a fluke of a brand that runs big, fooling me into thinking I'm a size I'm not.  The only ones that simply would not fit were a pair of size 9s that I didn't realize until I was struggling to pull them past my child bearing hips that they were labeled "straight hip straight leg", of which I am neither.  I have me some thighs and some hips, I doubt I will ever fit into anything clothing labeled "straight".

Feeling pretty damn good about fitting into single digit clothing!



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Day 1 weight: 157
Day 2 weight: 155.4
Day 3 weight: 154.4
Day 4 weight: 153.2
Day 5 weight: 152.6
Day 6 weight: 151.8
Day 7 weight: 151
Day 8 weight: 150.4


FREE MEAL DAY.  It was glorious.  I had just what I planned and got right back on track. 

RFL - Day 7

Day 1 weight: 157
Day 2 weight: 155.4
Day 3 weight: 154.4
Day 4 weight: 153.2
Day 5 weight: 152.6
Day 6 weight: 151.8
Day 7 weight: 151

Crazy crazy crazy!  I've dropped a pant size in 7 days (granted I was teetering anyway). Free meal tomorrow, doing it in the morning.  Been dreaming about it, and planning it!  I've been craving a McDonald's hot Caramel Mocha for DAYS.  You know, I love the Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha, and it's probably blasphemous on some level, but I like the McDonald's one more (and it has less calories).  See how obsessed I am!?  Anyway, I'm looking very forward to my free meal.  It'll be interesting to see how much the scale goes up on Day 9 -- of course I'm hoping not much and that having the free meal in the morning will offset any gain, but realistically because of how low my carbs have been, it's kind of inevitable the scale will shoot up with water weight.  I will still keep my calories low, so I know I will be in a deficit, no chance of fat gain that way.

Another mini-goal met & RFL - Day 6

Day 1 weight: 157
Day 2 weight: 155.4
Day 3 weight: 154.4
Day 4 weight: 153.2
Day 5 weight: 152.6
Day 6 weight: 151.8

Struggled with some hunger today which wasn't helped by there being cookies and donuts in the house (thanks to "treats" for the kids from Nana).  I resisted, but I was a little cranky about it.  I don't like junk food in the house, not only because of my weight loss, but because then that's what Emma wants to eat.

Only 1 full day till a free meal.  I'm looking forward to it!


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Mini goals:
1st mini goal: 199.8, get under 200! 


2nd mini goal: 193, my pre-pregnancy weight.

3rd mini goal: 185.8, no longer considered obese.

4th mini goal: 175, which I got down to in January 2011, a few months before I got pregnant with Luke.

5th mini goal:  163, was my Labor Day goal, (reached a few days late).

6th mini goal: 154.8, no longer considered overweight.

7th mini-goal: 152, how much I weighed when I met Jason.

8th mini-goal: 149.8, because it's the 140s!  Holy crap!

9th mini-goal: 145, drivers license weight.

10th mini-goal: 142, lowest weight I've seen as an adult, maybe even as a teen, and my wedding day weight.

11th mini-goal: 139.8, because it's the 130s!  OMG!

12th mini-goal: 135, my original goal weight.

13th mini-goal: 130, my new goal weight.

(Secret 14th mini-goal: 125, so I have a fluctuation buffer of 125-130 for maintenance.)

RFL - Day 5

Day 1 weight: 157
Day 2 weight: 155.4
Day 3 weight: 154.4
Day 4 weight: 153.2
Day 5 weight: 152.6

Doing great today.  Feeling so incredibly good about myself.  The only thing I'm struggling with is a bit of lightheadedness.  I'm taking supplements to ensure my electrolytes aren't depleted, so I can only guess it's from the low calories.  Hoping it'll let up soon, but I have a free meal Wednesday to look forward to, so I can persevere; I just have to make sure not to stand up too fast!

RFL - Day 4

Day 1 weight: 157
Day 2 weight: 155.4
Day 3 weight: 154.4
Day 4 weight: 153.2

Feeling better today, at least for the most part.  Hanging in there.  

RFL - Day 3

Day 1 weight: 157
Day 2 weight: 155.4
Day 3 weight: 154.4

I'm quite pleased with the results on the scale so far.  Felt pretty crappy all day today, physically.  Really hoping that tomorrow will bring a symptomless day.  If I remember correctly, usually the low carb symptoms subside around day 4.  My only fear is that it isn't solely the low carb, but the low calories in combination, that are causing the physical symptoms.  If that ends up being the case, I will just have to up the calories -- easy solution.  I won't know until the carb flu passes; I think I'll give it through day 5 before I start modifying anything.  I'd like to follow the diet exactly as it is intended to be followed.

RFL - Day 2

Day 1 weight: 157
Day 2 weight: 155.4

Feeling the effects of low carb today.  I feel a little crappy, probably should feel better by day 4.  Surviving though.  Finding I'm not at all hungry, so far, which is a pleasant surprise. 

Really, REALLY, hoping to get below 155 soon so I can finally say I'm a normal weight.  It's so annoying to be like a half pound over weight!  Stupid!

That's all for today, just wanted to check in.

Rapid Fat Loss (RFL) - Day 1

I'm getting impatient.  I know what you're thinking (or maybe not), you're thinking "you've come this far, what's a few more months?".  I don't want to hear that!  I want the rest of this fat off.  Sooooooo. . . I have decided to put off starting NROLFW for a little bit (few more weeks, a month, not 100% sure) and have decided to do Lyle McDonald's Rapid Fat Loss Diet for a while.  It is hardcore, and I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone who wasn't going to follow it exactly!  Or to anyone who was a total dieting novice.  Basically it's a low carb, low fat, high protein, low calorie, short term diet with specific guidelines to follow in regards to just about everything, including refeeds, supplements (no, not ones they sell, ones you can get anywhere -- like a multi-vit, fish oil, calcium, things like that), transition back to normal eating, all that to ensure safety and health during the process.  I'm at that point. I want a good 20 pounds (or more) off, and I want it off, like, now.  If you want to know the specific details of the diet, I suggest going to the website I linked above.  You can get a good synopsis there, and then decide if it's something you would be interested in purchasing (no I make no $ off it, and I don't know the author).

Day 1 today.  Not so bad, not nearly as bad as I thought.  Usually the beginning of any low carb is rough, but it's only day 1, it could get worse.  Starting weight: 157 (up from 155.6 two days ago -- no good reason either).  The longest period of time a person, with my stats, is supposed to do this diet is 6 weeks, then  you're supposed to take a diet break.  You can repeat if you want to.  So we will see how it goes.  I'm hoping for a good solid WHOOSH of water weight from the low carb.  That would just make my day!