Brutal, it's just brutal

Alright, honesty.

This Rapid Fat Loss diet is ridiculous for me, and I'm not doing it anymore.  Have been talking myself into it for 8 days because I'm loving see the weight melt off this far in!  It's very odd to have lost as much as I have, be at a "normal" weight, and be able to drop nearly 7 pounds in a week.  Even though it's obviously a lot of water weight, I've been dieting a long time and to me it was unexpected.  But I've felt like shit the entire time I've been doing this plan, it's just been masked my by happiness with the scale.  I've literally felt like I'm going to pass out every time I stand up.  And I thought to myself well it's a trade off for losing weight so fast and I like that.  But I'm very edgy and anxious and just can't physically do ANYTHING.  That's insane!  And of course I know this, but the weight loss is almost like a drug, and I'm totally addicted.  The more I lose the more I want to lose.  But when will it be enough?  I'm afraid it won't ever be.  I have a lot of fear about that actually.  Will I ever be happy?  Am I already one of those people who complains they're fat but really they aren't?  I don't know!  I know I look good compared to how I USED to look, which should make me feel great all the time.  And I DO feel great a lot of the time, but then I hit these moments, sometimes many moments, where I feel so disgusting still.  I put on my new size 8 jeans this morning and they make me feel fat because they are tight, not TOO tight, but form fitting.  How the hell can I feel fat still?!  I took them off and put on a pair of size 10s, which were much looser and thus more comfortable.  Now, to many thin people a 10 is probably enormous, but what the hell do I care what other people think!?  I know I do look good, so why is it not good enough yet?  Today I am not counting calories, I'm going to eat what sounds good, be reasonable, not pig out but eat like a normal person, and try my hardest not to feel guilty. 

The mental part of losing weight is much much much more exhausting to me than the exercise and calorie deficit.  I feel like a total head case.  The thing about being fat is that you can kind of blame your short comings and faults on it.  Even though I know that none of my issues, other than being fat itself, had to do with being fat -- it was easy to blame all of my self esteem, body image, and confidence issues on the fat.  Once you strip that away and are left to look at yourself and you still see all that crap it just makes you feel like you don't know anything about yourself anymore.  I look in the mirror and focus on the faults in my body to try and distract myself from my other faults.  Logically, I know this.  I guess that's something.

I'll tell you what though, my 85 pound heavier self would be pissed at my 85 pound lighter self for being unhappy about my body still.