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Monday, April 29, 2013

"You are not flawed, you are normal"

It's like the heavens opened up and the angels started to sing.

THIS blog is awesome.  THIS post is awesome.

This ideal, this body, that so many of us (not all, don't let me put words in anyone's mouth) chase isn't always physically possible.  This "perfect" size 2 or size 0, undimpled, smooth, blemishless, stretch mark free body, well the reality of it is that there are probably only a few people who actually have it without photoshop.  I will never have it, and there's nothing wrong with me for it.  I'm not NOT beautiful because of any of these things.  And if someone out there disagrees, who the F cares!?  You can't be everyone's ideal of beauty, wouldn't want to be because I am not here to be an object of desire for every douchey tool walking down the street.

I'm having these epiphanies left and right.  I don't have to be the smallest I can possibly get, eat as little as I can get away with without feeling like crap.  What do I want?  I want to be strong and feel good, and I am and I do, so I just have to keep going this same way.  I have this idea in my mind that I can't be happy until XYZ, NO!  That's ridiculous, I can be happy with my body now.  I get into the thinking "When my stomach looks like that, or when my legs look like this, THEN I can be happy", that's not a good or healthy way to look at myself.

This may seem like no-brainer stuff, or things I've already talked about, but it's like realizing it, REALLY realizing it is new to me.  The ideal, my friends, is to be healthy, love your body, and love yourself.  There's a way to accept yourself as you are, while still working to improve your fitness and overall health.  It isn't one or the other.  This is big stuff for me.

Cliche as it may be, the media perpetuates a message that women should be ashamed and embarassed of their bodies if there are any flaws.  They probably weren't considered flaws until the media decided they were.  I won't be one of those women, anymore, who longs to have that ideal body, I already have it.  MY body, which carried two children for 9 months each, labored and gave birth twice, has always done what I've asked it to, I'm allowed to love it NOW and not be ashamed of any of it.

Friday, April 26, 2013

This is a big deal

Whenever I feel like I have it all together, I know that it won't be long before I find myself in a heap.

I made a mistake.  I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode.  I'm not up for it physically or mentally.  I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds.  But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on!  I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous!  This stops now.  I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories.  That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is.  Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.

And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off.  It gets kind of miserable sometimes.  I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully.  I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough.  Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting.  Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better!    This has to stop.  It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now.  There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within. 



I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else.  Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good.  If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.



Tuesday, April 23, 2013

New Running Record & Other Things

I ran 10 miles last night.  Last week I had gone out planning to run 5 miles and felt great and made it just a tad under 8 and a half miles.  I hadn't brought anything with me but my phone (for music), and thought I could have probably gone further if I'd had water.  So this time I strapped on my water belt.  That thing has just never worked right for me.  I've only worn it about 4 times, and each time I regretted it.  I set out last night and was miserable for the first 4.5 miles because of the godforsaken belt.  I ended up saying screw it, downed the water, and tossed the damn thing in a garbage can near a bus stop; least regretted $30 I've ever thrown away, I knew I wasn't going to make it all 10 miles with that belt on.  The next 5.5 miles were awesome!  I need to get one of those hand held bottles, I can't do a belt.

Going to take another maintenance break for a week or two.  I just can't eat in a deficit like I used to, I don't know if it's mental or physical or bother, but it sucks.  Maybe I can do like 3 weeks on 2 weeks off or some other variation of off/on. 

Today I just wanna eat like crap and baby my poor poor knees.

I love running.  I love running in that I have always hated running and now I've made running my bitch.  I will do a marathon one of these days, hell maybe I'll do the one in January.  At this point I know I could probably go out  next week and do a half marathon. 

Anyway, another one of my radom filled blog posts where you get to see just how all over the place my thoughts are.

32 (A Remake of Taylor Swift's 22)

It feels like one of those nights to take my bra off,
and catch up on Netflix, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night to watch a whole season,
of some real old show, uh uh uh uh

Yeaaaaaaah

We're happy busy loved and tired at the same time.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget by drinking lotsa wine,
it's time, uh uh

I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about  me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32

It seems like one of those nights this place is too crowded,
too many dang kids, and toys uh uh
It seems like one of those nights we ditch the whole thing,
and end up sleeping instead of cleaning!

Yeaaaaaaaah

We're happy busy loved and tired that's the best news.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget about the bills due,
it's time, uh uh

I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32

Don't know about you, 32, 32

It feels like one of those nights,
We wear our yoga pants
It feels like one of those nights,
The kids are sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You have some good news, you paid the bills due, I'm guna kiss you

I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32

Actin' like 32, yeah 32, yeah yeah

It feels like one of those nights,
clean puke at midnight
It feels like one of those nights,
we won't be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You smell like bad poo, I gotta change you, I gotta change you

Friday, April 19, 2013

Am I really a "fit" person?!

A person can look fit and not be fit, just as a person can be fit without looking fit.  Ok, obvious statement I suppose.  But am I both?  When can I say "I'm in good shape", and have it mean both looks-wise PLUS physically?

Let's look at the evidence to determine the answer, shall we?  Fitness-wise:  I can run a pretty long distance, I can lift pretty heavy weights, my endurance is pretty high, my strength is pretty good.  Physically: I have some muscles that show, I'm well into the "normal" weight category BMI-wise, my body fat is a respectable level, my pant size would indicate that I'm normal to (dare I say) small-ish.  PLUS I'm still working at getting better in every area!

So the evidence points to the answer being yes, I'm fit/in shape in pretty much any way a person can look at it.  Why, then, is it so hard for me to see myself that way? 

I'm nowhere near fitness model status of course, not close to being an elite athlete, not the thinnest, not the lowest body fat, not the strongest, but I can still be a fit person without being the BEST can't I?  I get caught up in comparing myself to others.  If someone is fittER than me, than I must not be fit.  If someone can run faster, further, longer, then I must not be that good.  If someone can lift more, I must be pretty weak.  That is a ridiculous way of thinking isn't it?  Because someone else is MORE of, or BETTER at, whatever, that means I can't be that thing.

If I do something physically that surprises me or that I'm impressed by, I quickly brush it off as a fluke.  If I take a good picture where I look pretty decent, I tell myself it's the angle/lighting/outfit/pose.  Why!?  Why do I rob myself of any credit I am due?  Why do I find it so scary to be able to say "I'm in good shape.  I look really good."  Because I feel like someone will come along and be like, um no, not at all, and then I'll feel stupid.  And what if that DID happen?  One person's opinion means nothing.  Anyone else's opinion means nothing, really, just my opinion of myself.

Ok, so I got that all out, so here it goes. . .

I'm fit.  I'm in great shape.  I look amazing.  And not just compared to my former-fat-self, not just compared to other mommies of 2, not just compared to XYZ, but overall and in general with no disclaimer or caveat!  SO THERE!

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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Warrior Dash

It was awesome!!!!  Was able to run the whole way, even though it was hot as hell here in Phoenix this weekend.  Our wave time was at 2:30, so like the worst part of the day.  I'm pretty beat up today, bruises and scratches, but overall I'm thrilled with how I did.

Results: Time 42:37.60, top 11% for my age range, top 25% overall. Little disappointed with the time, but happy with where I placed!  Have to keep in mind it takes extra time to go through all the obstacles.

This was my first race ever and I'm totally hooked!

After getting cleaned up, kinda.
Me and Jason

Race Shirts

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Uh, ok!!!

As you probably know (unless you've just accidentally stumbled newly into this mess of a blog) I JUST started trying to lose again after maintaining for about 2 months.  Basically just buckled back down as of April 1st, halfheartedly tried a few days before Easter, but kinda took Easter off.  Anyway, I finally had hit that 100 pound mark that I'd been struggling with since December, and have just been blowing through the pounds the last 11 days.  I'm down to 133.4 as of this morning.  I have been eating 1500 net calories a day, and decided to do some intermittent fasting again mainly so I could eat a couple big meals rather than more small ones.  It's been working great!  I have no explanation for why, or how, but I'm not arguing!  I'm sure it has a lot to do with having taken a break from eating in a deficit, and lifting.  Any way it goes I'm thrilled!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Today is a good day

I hit that elusive 100 pound mark yesterday (YAY!!!!).

My husband and I are signed up to run the Warrior Dash this coming Saturday, which I'm very excited (and nervous) about.

I'm in amazing shape, the very best I've ever been!  I'm healthy and I'm fit.

AND, I feel good about myself today. And I should.  And I'm pledging right here right now that I will NOT do anything to kill this feeling.  I usually do, I seek out something that inevitably makes me feel awful.  Not today.  Today I am allowing myself to feel good, to feel amazing.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

1 year apart pics

Found a year apart picture I'm willing to share (I've posted last year's Easter pic before on my blog as I don't have many pics of me heavy because I avoided the camera).  I was already losing weight in the pic on the left and it was technically the Thursday before last Easter, 4/4/12, I was probably around 210-211 pounds, so not my highest weight.  Pic on the right is from yesterday 4/2/13 (technically neither pic was taken on Easter day, but almost exactly 1 year apart).  So like 210 lbs vs 140 lbs, give or take a pound.

Easter 2012 vs. Easter 2013