This is a big deal

Whenever I feel like I have it all together, I know that it won't be long before I find myself in a heap.

I made a mistake.  I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode.  I'm not up for it physically or mentally.  I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds.  But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on!  I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous!  This stops now.  I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories.  That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is.  Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.

And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off.  It gets kind of miserable sometimes.  I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully.  I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough.  Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting.  Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better!    This has to stop.  It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now.  There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within. 

I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else.  Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good.  If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.