Wow, I'm blogging up a storm here!
Thanks to those of you still here reading, and supporting me! I appreciate it a lot! This blog has been a big source of accountability and motivation for me since I started it! Knowing ANYONE is out there reading, wondering what I've been up to, or gaining any sort of positive ANYTHING makes me feel like I need to keep going even when I really don't want to. So thanks for that!
I really don't have anything exciting to report, except for a food find (if you can even call it that). I planned all our meals for the week and went grocery shopping yesterday. Spent more time in the produce section than I have in a long time, that was a good thing. Was on Pinterest the other day and saw a "recipe" (it's really not, I'll get to the in a sec) for a healthier ranch dip. I love dip, dip is good, and usually dip is a high calorie nightmare, I mean who the heck wants just TWO tablespoons of dip for 200 calories, that's crap. Anyway, the "recipe" was basically just swap sour cream for Greek yogurt, add ranch dip packet. See, not really a recipe, more like common sense! LOL! I've been swapping sour cream for Greek yogurt on baked potatoes, tacos, and burritos (and anything else I would normally use sour cream on) for well over a year. I actually can't tell a difference at all anymore. I LOVE Greek yogurt for so many things anyway, I cannot believe I never thought to use it for dip! Like DUH! And an ENTIRE CUP of Greek yogurt (well, the Chobani 0% I used in this case, my store stopped carrying 2% which I prefer greatly) is 140 calories, the entire packet of ranch is 40 calories, so 180 calories for a whole cup of dip. Pair that with some veggies (I got some red and green bell peppers, cucumber, celery, and carrots because they were all cheap) and you have a healthy, filling, snack with no guilt. I couldn't even eat all of it in one sitting, and believe me that says something! I'm no master chef, I'm not very creative food-wise, and I don't have much money to burn at the store, so when I find something easy, yummy, inexpensive, and super filling, I get excited!
I've cleaned up the ol' diet the last few days and can't believe how much better I feel already. Didn't realize just how bloated I was until it went away. Starting to feel less lethargic. Perhaps a little less cranky too. I've always known how much of a difference what you eat makes, but sometimes it can be easy to forget until you feel the repercussions of it. Food is fuel and all that jazz. Maybe now that I'm at a point where I'm truly trying to find the middle ground between losing weight and gaining weight (hmmm, what do they call that again? Ohhhhhh ya, LIFE) maybe, just maybe, I can start seeing food as a way to fuel my body, make me feel good, AND enjoy it alllll at the same time.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Long time no blog
Is anyone still out there???
I'm still here! Just been taking a much needed break from it all. Probably too long of a break at this point.
Weight-wise: Been maintaining in the old range, though the last 2 days a pound over. Fully aware it needs to be reined in. One bit of good news is that I've been able to cut down on weighing quite a bit, once a day to once every other day. In a way I think it's let me have a break, in a way I think it's allowed me to get lazy
Workout-wise: Nada. Been full of excuses. Will get a random workout in then not doing anything forever.
Food-wise: Been eating like crap, eating too much, and overall not feeding my body food that makes me feel good.
Head-wise: In some ways better, in some ways worse. Rubberband effect. Tried so hard to get to a point where I don't care, now I don't care. Well, I really can't say I don't care, otherwise I'd not be here writing and trying to figure out how to get my head back in the game.
Feeling lame in general. It's hard to get back on track, but it must be done. Yes, technically I've been maintaining, but it has been more of a let's-see-how-much-crap-I-can-eat plus no workouts type of "maintaining", and that's not very wise, healthy, or good for me.
Another crap thing I've realized is how bored I am now that weight loss isn't my focus. It consumed so much of my time and thoughts that I am kind of lost. I think I know how to fix it, or at least starting fixing it, but I'm being so lazy and lame. I know a LOT of that feeling comes from inactivity and crap food making me feel lethargic. All problems right now seem to stem from unhealthy habits I've picked back up. GO FIGURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, don't worry (if you have been) about me. It's all a process, and I'm really hoping to finally find some middle ground.
I'm still here! Just been taking a much needed break from it all. Probably too long of a break at this point.
Weight-wise: Been maintaining in the old range, though the last 2 days a pound over. Fully aware it needs to be reined in. One bit of good news is that I've been able to cut down on weighing quite a bit, once a day to once every other day. In a way I think it's let me have a break, in a way I think it's allowed me to get lazy
Workout-wise: Nada. Been full of excuses. Will get a random workout in then not doing anything forever.
Food-wise: Been eating like crap, eating too much, and overall not feeding my body food that makes me feel good.
Head-wise: In some ways better, in some ways worse. Rubberband effect. Tried so hard to get to a point where I don't care, now I don't care. Well, I really can't say I don't care, otherwise I'd not be here writing and trying to figure out how to get my head back in the game.
Feeling lame in general. It's hard to get back on track, but it must be done. Yes, technically I've been maintaining, but it has been more of a let's-see-how-much-crap-I-can-eat plus no workouts type of "maintaining", and that's not very wise, healthy, or good for me.
Another crap thing I've realized is how bored I am now that weight loss isn't my focus. It consumed so much of my time and thoughts that I am kind of lost. I think I know how to fix it, or at least starting fixing it, but I'm being so lazy and lame. I know a LOT of that feeling comes from inactivity and crap food making me feel lethargic. All problems right now seem to stem from unhealthy habits I've picked back up. GO FIGURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, don't worry (if you have been) about me. It's all a process, and I'm really hoping to finally find some middle ground.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Feels
Ahhh, I've taken a much needed break from all things weight loss. No forums, no blogging, no nothin'.
My daughter turned 4 a couple days ago, and I've been engrossed in that.
The few pounds I attempted losing in April are back on and I've been easily maintaining my "old" maintenance range from February and March. I wouldn't go so far as to say this is a 'set point' for my body, but I will go so far as to say I'm not willing (or able) at this time to do what would need to be done to lose and maintain anymore weight. It's not in me right now. I tried to push through that, and unsuccessfully so, I should have listened to my body and heart and not my head. I am reasonably happy maintaining between 138 and 142, and I seem to be able to do so without much of a problem. One happy success I've had is that I've been able to only weigh once every day, to once every other day, that's a pretty big deal for me. Going back to losing weight had triggered some not so great things again, and those things were the reason I halted my weight loss and started maintaining at the end of January, so it only makes sense to stop and maintain again.
I'll be honest and say I'm struggling with some things, and I have no doubt I brought it on myself by going back into weight-loss-mode. I wasn't ready, and I learned my lesson, the hard way, as usual. I'm still trying to recover, mentally, from April. I am feeling a bit blue, and down on myself, and I'm trying to get past it, it's hard. I wish I could verbalize the feelings, because I think releasing them would help me to get past them, but I just can't right now. It's stuck in there and I can't seem to get it out. I feel stable in one way, but like I spinning in another. I want to be happy and content with myself. I'm finding that to be very hard. I have a problem separating myself from my body; meaning if I am even slightly unhappy with my body (ex. feeling like my stomach looks fat), I have a hard time being happy with ANY part of myself.
When I starting losing again, I basically stopped lifting, and that is typical for me. I've found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things! I'm being sulky, and lazy, and stubborn.
I really don't know who all reads this, but if you are reading this and you are just starting to lose weight, or are already well into getting to your "goal", hear this: Work on ALL of you, if you aren't already. Those little voices in your head aren't going to go away once you are a certain weight, certain pant size, or any other certain goal, unless you figure out why they are REALLY there, and believe me it's not because you're fat. You may think you know that already, but maybe there's a part of you that really thinks all those little issues will be solved if only you were X amount of weight lighter. If you don't work on the head stuff, none of it will ever seem good enough. You'll look in the mirror and be at a weight you never fathomed you could be, be wearing a pair of jeans in a size you never thought possible, yet still be discontent because of some bulge of fat you perceive. You will sit there, if you don't work on these things, looking at yourself and wondering how you can be unhappy STILL!
I'm certainly not unique, these are things SO many people struggle with after losing weight. Not all, but many. I just don't want to be one of those people who pretends like it's all wonderful and that there isn't a ton of issues left behind, because there are, and there may be for you too. And whether you are reading this right now thinking I'm one of the crazies, feeling sorry for me, or feeling empathy, or feeling glad you aren't alone, or feeling like that'll never be you, or feeling nothing at all, I feel it's important to share this. I've been blogging about this since the beginning and I've shared it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the stupid, the ridiculous, the ranting and raving, the boring, the phases, and I think it's important to share what happens AFTER all the weight is lost.
If you are reading this now and you are overweight and wanting so badly not to be, know that you CAN do it, no question about it. It is something that you are most certainly capable of. Get on the rollercoaster, buckle up, hold on for dear life, and don't look back; but take care of yourself (ALL of yourself) while you're on the ride or else you'll be scraping yourself up off the pavement at the end, which is no fun even if you ARE a size 6. You are good enough NOW, you are wonderful NOW, start believing it, and if you don't believe it, say it to yourself until you do believe it.
My daughter turned 4 a couple days ago, and I've been engrossed in that.
The few pounds I attempted losing in April are back on and I've been easily maintaining my "old" maintenance range from February and March. I wouldn't go so far as to say this is a 'set point' for my body, but I will go so far as to say I'm not willing (or able) at this time to do what would need to be done to lose and maintain anymore weight. It's not in me right now. I tried to push through that, and unsuccessfully so, I should have listened to my body and heart and not my head. I am reasonably happy maintaining between 138 and 142, and I seem to be able to do so without much of a problem. One happy success I've had is that I've been able to only weigh once every day, to once every other day, that's a pretty big deal for me. Going back to losing weight had triggered some not so great things again, and those things were the reason I halted my weight loss and started maintaining at the end of January, so it only makes sense to stop and maintain again.
I'll be honest and say I'm struggling with some things, and I have no doubt I brought it on myself by going back into weight-loss-mode. I wasn't ready, and I learned my lesson, the hard way, as usual. I'm still trying to recover, mentally, from April. I am feeling a bit blue, and down on myself, and I'm trying to get past it, it's hard. I wish I could verbalize the feelings, because I think releasing them would help me to get past them, but I just can't right now. It's stuck in there and I can't seem to get it out. I feel stable in one way, but like I spinning in another. I want to be happy and content with myself. I'm finding that to be very hard. I have a problem separating myself from my body; meaning if I am even slightly unhappy with my body (ex. feeling like my stomach looks fat), I have a hard time being happy with ANY part of myself.
When I starting losing again, I basically stopped lifting, and that is typical for me. I've found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things! I'm being sulky, and lazy, and stubborn.
I really don't know who all reads this, but if you are reading this and you are just starting to lose weight, or are already well into getting to your "goal", hear this: Work on ALL of you, if you aren't already. Those little voices in your head aren't going to go away once you are a certain weight, certain pant size, or any other certain goal, unless you figure out why they are REALLY there, and believe me it's not because you're fat. You may think you know that already, but maybe there's a part of you that really thinks all those little issues will be solved if only you were X amount of weight lighter. If you don't work on the head stuff, none of it will ever seem good enough. You'll look in the mirror and be at a weight you never fathomed you could be, be wearing a pair of jeans in a size you never thought possible, yet still be discontent because of some bulge of fat you perceive. You will sit there, if you don't work on these things, looking at yourself and wondering how you can be unhappy STILL!
I'm certainly not unique, these are things SO many people struggle with after losing weight. Not all, but many. I just don't want to be one of those people who pretends like it's all wonderful and that there isn't a ton of issues left behind, because there are, and there may be for you too. And whether you are reading this right now thinking I'm one of the crazies, feeling sorry for me, or feeling empathy, or feeling glad you aren't alone, or feeling like that'll never be you, or feeling nothing at all, I feel it's important to share this. I've been blogging about this since the beginning and I've shared it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the stupid, the ridiculous, the ranting and raving, the boring, the phases, and I think it's important to share what happens AFTER all the weight is lost.
If you are reading this now and you are overweight and wanting so badly not to be, know that you CAN do it, no question about it. It is something that you are most certainly capable of. Get on the rollercoaster, buckle up, hold on for dear life, and don't look back; but take care of yourself (ALL of yourself) while you're on the ride or else you'll be scraping yourself up off the pavement at the end, which is no fun even if you ARE a size 6. You are good enough NOW, you are wonderful NOW, start believing it, and if you don't believe it, say it to yourself until you do believe it.
Monday, April 29, 2013
"You are not flawed, you are normal"
It's like the heavens opened up and the angels started to sing.
THIS blog is awesome. THIS post is awesome.
This ideal, this body, that so many of us (not all, don't let me put words in anyone's mouth) chase isn't always physically possible. This "perfect" size 2 or size 0, undimpled, smooth, blemishless, stretch mark free body, well the reality of it is that there are probably only a few people who actually have it without photoshop. I will never have it, and there's nothing wrong with me for it. I'm not NOT beautiful because of any of these things. And if someone out there disagrees, who the F cares!? You can't be everyone's ideal of beauty, wouldn't want to be because I am not here to be an object of desire for every douchey tool walking down the street.
I'm having these epiphanies left and right. I don't have to be the smallest I can possibly get, eat as little as I can get away with without feeling like crap. What do I want? I want to be strong and feel good, and I am and I do, so I just have to keep going this same way. I have this idea in my mind that I can't be happy until XYZ, NO! That's ridiculous, I can be happy with my body now. I get into the thinking "When my stomach looks like that, or when my legs look like this, THEN I can be happy", that's not a good or healthy way to look at myself.
This may seem like no-brainer stuff, or things I've already talked about, but it's like realizing it, REALLY realizing it is new to me. The ideal, my friends, is to be healthy, love your body, and love yourself. There's a way to accept yourself as you are, while still working to improve your fitness and overall health. It isn't one or the other. This is big stuff for me.
Cliche as it may be, the media perpetuates a message that women should be ashamed and embarassed of their bodies if there are any flaws. They probably weren't considered flaws until the media decided they were. I won't be one of those women, anymore, who longs to have that ideal body, I already have it. MY body, which carried two children for 9 months each, labored and gave birth twice, has always done what I've asked it to, I'm allowed to love it NOW and not be ashamed of any of it.
THIS blog is awesome. THIS post is awesome.
This ideal, this body, that so many of us (not all, don't let me put words in anyone's mouth) chase isn't always physically possible. This "perfect" size 2 or size 0, undimpled, smooth, blemishless, stretch mark free body, well the reality of it is that there are probably only a few people who actually have it without photoshop. I will never have it, and there's nothing wrong with me for it. I'm not NOT beautiful because of any of these things. And if someone out there disagrees, who the F cares!? You can't be everyone's ideal of beauty, wouldn't want to be because I am not here to be an object of desire for every douchey tool walking down the street.
I'm having these epiphanies left and right. I don't have to be the smallest I can possibly get, eat as little as I can get away with without feeling like crap. What do I want? I want to be strong and feel good, and I am and I do, so I just have to keep going this same way. I have this idea in my mind that I can't be happy until XYZ, NO! That's ridiculous, I can be happy with my body now. I get into the thinking "When my stomach looks like that, or when my legs look like this, THEN I can be happy", that's not a good or healthy way to look at myself.
This may seem like no-brainer stuff, or things I've already talked about, but it's like realizing it, REALLY realizing it is new to me. The ideal, my friends, is to be healthy, love your body, and love yourself. There's a way to accept yourself as you are, while still working to improve your fitness and overall health. It isn't one or the other. This is big stuff for me.
Cliche as it may be, the media perpetuates a message that women should be ashamed and embarassed of their bodies if there are any flaws. They probably weren't considered flaws until the media decided they were. I won't be one of those women, anymore, who longs to have that ideal body, I already have it. MY body, which carried two children for 9 months each, labored and gave birth twice, has always done what I've asked it to, I'm allowed to love it NOW and not be ashamed of any of it.
Friday, April 26, 2013
This is a big deal
Whenever I feel like I have it all together, I know that it won't be long before I find myself in a heap.
I made a mistake. I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode. I'm not up for it physically or mentally. I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds. But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on! I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous! This stops now. I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories. That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is. Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.
And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off. It gets kind of miserable sometimes. I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully. I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough. Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting. Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better! This has to stop. It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now. There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within.
I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else. Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good. If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.
I made a mistake. I should have never gone back to full weight loss mode. I'm not up for it physically or mentally. I was doing pretty well maintaining, had gone above my "red line" weight, but a very slight calorie deficit and just cleaning up my eating and tightening the reigns again would have been the better way to go, especially since it was like 2 pounds. But I don't do reasonable very well, that's something I need to work on! I had been doing amazingly with my lifting, but basically completely stopped April 1 when I started trying to lose again. Ridiculous! This stops now. I've taken a few days off (today included) to eat whatever I want, however much I want, and not count calories. That probably sounds like no big deal, but it is. Though I needed it, any time I eat more than I think I "should" I feel like I've ruined everything.
And this is the reality of it folks, it's never NOT on my mind, there's never really a day off. It gets kind of miserable sometimes. I can never actually enjoy days off, not fully. I can never eat something without some twinge of guilt, and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. No matter how great a workout was, it never feels good enough. Plus there's the constant comparing myself to others, and it is NEVER uplifting. Even if I end up deciding I'm somehow better, of course then I just feel like a horrible person for coming to that conclusion because I'm not better! This has to stop. It has to stop because there will never be a pant size, or number on the scale, or anything physical that will make me feel any differently about myself than I do right now. There's nothing on the outside that is going to change my head, that has to come from within.
I'm going back to maintenance, lifting, continuing to run a time or two a week, only weigh myself every other day (or less), and my main goal is to work on accepting myself as I am right now and to stop comparing myself to anyone else. Because I'm FINE as I am, and I'm allowed to be working on a better me without the thoughts that until I'm better that I'm not ok or good or even better than good. If I can look at myself objectively for like 2 seconds, I'm pretty great in a lot of ways.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
New Running Record & Other Things
I ran 10 miles last night. Last week I had gone out planning to run 5 miles and felt great and made it just a tad under 8 and a half miles. I hadn't brought anything with me but my phone (for music), and thought I could have probably gone further if I'd had water. So this time I strapped on my water belt. That thing has just never worked right for me. I've only worn it about 4 times, and each time I regretted it. I set out last night and was miserable for the first 4.5 miles because of the godforsaken belt. I ended up saying screw it, downed the water, and tossed the damn thing in a garbage can near a bus stop; least regretted $30 I've ever thrown away, I knew I wasn't going to make it all 10 miles with that belt on. The next 5.5 miles were awesome! I need to get one of those hand held bottles, I can't do a belt.
Going to take another maintenance break for a week or two. I just can't eat in a deficit like I used to, I don't know if it's mental or physical or bother, but it sucks. Maybe I can do like 3 weeks on 2 weeks off or some other variation of off/on.
Today I just wanna eat like crap and baby my poor poor knees.
I love running. I love running in that I have always hated running and now I've made running my bitch. I will do a marathon one of these days, hell maybe I'll do the one in January. At this point I know I could probably go out next week and do a half marathon.
Anyway, another one of my radom filled blog posts where you get to see just how all over the place my thoughts are.
Going to take another maintenance break for a week or two. I just can't eat in a deficit like I used to, I don't know if it's mental or physical or bother, but it sucks. Maybe I can do like 3 weeks on 2 weeks off or some other variation of off/on.
Today I just wanna eat like crap and baby my poor poor knees.
I love running. I love running in that I have always hated running and now I've made running my bitch. I will do a marathon one of these days, hell maybe I'll do the one in January. At this point I know I could probably go out next week and do a half marathon.
Anyway, another one of my radom filled blog posts where you get to see just how all over the place my thoughts are.
32 (A Remake of Taylor Swift's 22)
It feels like one of those nights to take my bra off,
and catch up on Netflix, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night to watch a whole season,
of some real old show, uh uh uh uh
Yeaaaaaaah
We're happy busy loved and tired at the same time.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget by drinking lotsa wine,
it's time, uh uh
I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32
It seems like one of those nights this place is too crowded,
too many dang kids, and toys uh uh
It seems like one of those nights we ditch the whole thing,
and end up sleeping instead of cleaning!
Yeaaaaaaaah
We're happy busy loved and tired that's the best news.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget about the bills due,
it's time, uh uh
I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32
Don't know about you, 32, 32
It feels like one of those nights,
We wear our yoga pants
It feels like one of those nights,
The kids are sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You have some good news, you paid the bills due, I'm guna kiss you
I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32
Actin' like 32, yeah 32, yeah yeah
It feels like one of those nights,
clean puke at midnight
It feels like one of those nights,
we won't be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You smell like bad poo, I gotta change you, I gotta change you
and catch up on Netflix, uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night to watch a whole season,
of some real old show, uh uh uh uh
Yeaaaaaaah
We're happy busy loved and tired at the same time.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget by drinking lotsa wine,
it's time, uh uh
I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32
It seems like one of those nights this place is too crowded,
too many dang kids, and toys uh uh
It seems like one of those nights we ditch the whole thing,
and end up sleeping instead of cleaning!
Yeaaaaaaaah
We're happy busy loved and tired that's the best news.
It's magical and miserable oh yeaaaah
Tonight's the night we forget about the bills due,
it's time, uh uh
I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32
Don't know about you, 32, 32
It feels like one of those nights,
We wear our yoga pants
It feels like one of those nights,
The kids are sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You have some good news, you paid the bills due, I'm guna kiss you
I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' 32.
Everything will be alright, if I don't have to clean up poo.
You know all about me, more than you want to.
Everything will be alright, if we just keep actin' like we're 32, 32
Actin' like 32, yeah 32, yeah yeah
It feels like one of those nights,
clean puke at midnight
It feels like one of those nights,
we won't be sleeping
It feels like one of those nights,
You smell like bad poo, I gotta change you, I gotta change you
Friday, April 19, 2013
Am I really a "fit" person?!
A person can look fit and not be fit, just as a person can be fit without looking fit. Ok, obvious statement I suppose. But am I both? When can I say "I'm in good shape", and have it mean both looks-wise PLUS physically?
Let's look at the evidence to determine the answer, shall we? Fitness-wise: I can run a pretty long distance, I can lift pretty heavy weights, my endurance is pretty high, my strength is pretty good. Physically: I have some muscles that show, I'm well into the "normal" weight category BMI-wise, my body fat is a respectable level, my pant size would indicate that I'm normal to (dare I say) small-ish. PLUS I'm still working at getting better in every area!
So the evidence points to the answer being yes, I'm fit/in shape in pretty much any way a person can look at it. Why, then, is it so hard for me to see myself that way?
I'm nowhere near fitness model status of course, not close to being an elite athlete, not the thinnest, not the lowest body fat, not the strongest, but I can still be a fit person without being the BEST can't I? I get caught up in comparing myself to others. If someone is fittER than me, than I must not be fit. If someone can run faster, further, longer, then I must not be that good. If someone can lift more, I must be pretty weak. That is a ridiculous way of thinking isn't it? Because someone else is MORE of, or BETTER at, whatever, that means I can't be that thing.
If I do something physically that surprises me or that I'm impressed by, I quickly brush it off as a fluke. If I take a good picture where I look pretty decent, I tell myself it's the angle/lighting/outfit/pose. Why!? Why do I rob myself of any credit I am due? Why do I find it so scary to be able to say "I'm in good shape. I look really good." Because I feel like someone will come along and be like, um no, not at all, and then I'll feel stupid. And what if that DID happen? One person's opinion means nothing. Anyone else's opinion means nothing, really, just my opinion of myself.
Ok, so I got that all out, so here it goes. . .
I'm fit. I'm in great shape. I look amazing. And not just compared to my former-fat-self, not just compared to other mommies of 2, not just compared to XYZ, but overall and in general with no disclaimer or caveat! SO THERE!
Let's look at the evidence to determine the answer, shall we? Fitness-wise: I can run a pretty long distance, I can lift pretty heavy weights, my endurance is pretty high, my strength is pretty good. Physically: I have some muscles that show, I'm well into the "normal" weight category BMI-wise, my body fat is a respectable level, my pant size would indicate that I'm normal to (dare I say) small-ish. PLUS I'm still working at getting better in every area!
So the evidence points to the answer being yes, I'm fit/in shape in pretty much any way a person can look at it. Why, then, is it so hard for me to see myself that way?
I'm nowhere near fitness model status of course, not close to being an elite athlete, not the thinnest, not the lowest body fat, not the strongest, but I can still be a fit person without being the BEST can't I? I get caught up in comparing myself to others. If someone is fittER than me, than I must not be fit. If someone can run faster, further, longer, then I must not be that good. If someone can lift more, I must be pretty weak. That is a ridiculous way of thinking isn't it? Because someone else is MORE of, or BETTER at, whatever, that means I can't be that thing.
If I do something physically that surprises me or that I'm impressed by, I quickly brush it off as a fluke. If I take a good picture where I look pretty decent, I tell myself it's the angle/lighting/outfit/pose. Why!? Why do I rob myself of any credit I am due? Why do I find it so scary to be able to say "I'm in good shape. I look really good." Because I feel like someone will come along and be like, um no, not at all, and then I'll feel stupid. And what if that DID happen? One person's opinion means nothing. Anyone else's opinion means nothing, really, just my opinion of myself.
Ok, so I got that all out, so here it goes. . .
I'm fit. I'm in great shape. I look amazing. And not just compared to my former-fat-self, not just compared to other mommies of 2, not just compared to XYZ, but overall and in general with no disclaimer or caveat! SO THERE!
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| Add caption |
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Warrior Dash
It was awesome!!!! Was able to run the whole way, even though it was hot as hell here in Phoenix this weekend. Our wave time was at 2:30, so like the worst part of the day. I'm pretty beat up today, bruises and scratches, but overall I'm thrilled with how I did.
Results: Time 42:37.60, top 11% for my age range, top 25% overall. Little disappointed with the time, but happy with where I placed! Have to keep in mind it takes extra time to go through all the obstacles.
This was my first race ever and I'm totally hooked!
Results: Time 42:37.60, top 11% for my age range, top 25% overall. Little disappointed with the time, but happy with where I placed! Have to keep in mind it takes extra time to go through all the obstacles.
This was my first race ever and I'm totally hooked!
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| After getting cleaned up, kinda. |
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| Me and Jason |
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| Race Shirts |
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Uh, ok!!!
As you probably know (unless you've just accidentally stumbled newly into this mess of a blog) I JUST started trying to lose again after maintaining for about 2 months. Basically just buckled back down as of April 1st, halfheartedly tried a few days before Easter, but kinda took Easter off. Anyway, I finally had hit that 100 pound mark that I'd been struggling with since December, and have just been blowing through the pounds the last 11 days. I'm down to 133.4 as of this morning. I have been eating 1500 net calories a day, and decided to do some intermittent fasting again mainly so I could eat a couple big meals rather than more small ones. It's been working great! I have no explanation for why, or how, but I'm not arguing! I'm sure it has a lot to do with having taken a break from eating in a deficit, and lifting. Any way it goes I'm thrilled!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Today is a good day
I hit that elusive 100 pound mark yesterday (YAY!!!!).
My husband and I are signed up to run the Warrior Dash this coming Saturday, which I'm very excited (and nervous) about.
I'm in amazing shape, the very best I've ever been! I'm healthy and I'm fit.
AND, I feel good about myself today. And I should. And I'm pledging right here right now that I will NOT do anything to kill this feeling. I usually do, I seek out something that inevitably makes me feel awful. Not today. Today I am allowing myself to feel good, to feel amazing.
My husband and I are signed up to run the Warrior Dash this coming Saturday, which I'm very excited (and nervous) about.
I'm in amazing shape, the very best I've ever been! I'm healthy and I'm fit.
AND, I feel good about myself today. And I should. And I'm pledging right here right now that I will NOT do anything to kill this feeling. I usually do, I seek out something that inevitably makes me feel awful. Not today. Today I am allowing myself to feel good, to feel amazing.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
1 year apart pics
Found a year apart picture I'm willing to share (I've posted last year's Easter pic before on my blog as I don't have many pics of me heavy because I avoided the camera). I was already losing weight in the pic on the left and it was technically the Thursday before last Easter, 4/4/12, I was probably around 210-211 pounds, so not my highest weight. Pic on the right is from yesterday 4/2/13 (technically neither pic was taken on Easter day, but almost exactly 1 year apart). So like 210 lbs vs 140 lbs, give or take a pound.
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| Easter 2012 vs. Easter 2013 |
Sunday, March 31, 2013
1 Year Losses, Happy Easter, New Goals (again)
1st of all, Happy Easter. A few things: Peeps are the toddler equivalent of Meth, that's my theory anyway. No peeps ever again. Somehow we lost an egg, praying one of the dogs swiped and ate it. Went through McDonald's drive through early and just got a diet soda and black coffee (note to self, when we run out of coffee go get some immediately because it's no fun to realize there's no coffee left at 5:30am).
2nd of all, I've decided to start losing again. I'm in a much better place than I was 2 months ago and I'm ready to get these last lbs off.
3rd of all, today marks 1 year since I was brave enough to take my 1st set of measurements and pictures. I won't be posting those pics, maybe ever, not sure. But I will share the stats (won't bore you with ALLLLL my sites, just the main ones):
3/31/12 vs 3/31/13
weight 211.6 vs 139.2
body fat 40.8% vs 24.3%
neck 14.25 vs 11.5
upper arm 15 vs 10
bust 45.75 vs 36
under bust 39 vs 31.25
waist (4/30/12) 38 vs 28
hips 47.75 vs 34.75
butt 46 vs 35.75
upper thigh 27.75 vs 21
calf 15 vs 13
2nd of all, I've decided to start losing again. I'm in a much better place than I was 2 months ago and I'm ready to get these last lbs off.
3rd of all, today marks 1 year since I was brave enough to take my 1st set of measurements and pictures. I won't be posting those pics, maybe ever, not sure. But I will share the stats (won't bore you with ALLLLL my sites, just the main ones):
3/31/12 vs 3/31/13
weight 211.6 vs 139.2
body fat 40.8% vs 24.3%
neck 14.25 vs 11.5
upper arm 15 vs 10
bust 45.75 vs 36
under bust 39 vs 31.25
waist (4/30/12) 38 vs 28
hips 47.75 vs 34.75
butt 46 vs 35.75
upper thigh 27.75 vs 21
calf 15 vs 13
Friday, March 22, 2013
My 1 year weight-loss-iversary
1 year ago today I stepped on the scale and saw 219.8. Though I had just had a baby the end of December, concluding my pregnancy at a whopping 236 pounds, by the end of January I was down to 207. So I had GAINED weight (again), and that 219.8 was ALL me and officially my highest non-pregnancy weight, and it put me well into the obese category. It was a Thursday, and I truly was just sick of being overweight. I made the decision to change that day, no waiting until Monday, or the 1st of the month. I was tired of making excuses for myself, tired of being out of shape, tired of feeling I looked awful, tired of looking sloppy in baggy clothes trying to hide my ever-growing body. I didn't want to be wearing maternity clothes 3 months postpartum. I didn't want to be swiping my husband's t-shirts because mine didn't fit, and having them still be tight. I didn't want to avoid getting on the floor to play with my kids because it was hard to get up afterwards, or be sitting on the sidelines at the park because it was too hard to play. I didn't want to make up excuses not to get together with people because I was embarrassed of my weight. I didn't want to grab a pair of size 18 jeans out of my closet thinking they'd be baggy and have them be too tight to even button. I was feeling horrible about myself in just about every way possible. And something just clicked, or snapped, depending on how you look at it. Like, why in the heck was I allowing myself to be so miserable in a body I had full control over!? All of a sudden I just realized how it was so ridiculous to wallow in self pity over something I could change! So I told myself, either be one of those people who is happy being fat and come to terms with the fact that I am making myself unhealthy and almost certainly shortening my life, or. . . change!!! I was already knowledgeable about nutrition, fitness, weight loss, lifting, you name it, just had to apply it. And truly it was as simple as that. Simple, though it certainly hasn't been easy!
The scary thing is that I look back at pictures of myself at my heaviest and it really and truly shocks me! I knew I was big, I felt big, but I didn't feel I looked as big as I was in reality. I have kind of the exact opposite problem now -- I feel bigger than I actually look. I will see a picture of myself and be surprised (pleasantly); I've seen my own reflection out places and TWICE thought it was someone else, someone skinny, wearing my exact same clothes and feeling irritated they looked better than me, then realizing it WAS me. My entire life has changed over the past year, lots and lots of good ways, some not-so-good (losing this much weight is a head trip). Losing weight doesn't solve all of your problems that's for sure, sometimes it causes new ones. I definitely wouldn't trade back though, not for a second.
I'm literally in the best shape of my life, better than when I was a trainer. Pictures of myself that I used to look at longingly, when I was obese, and think that I would never be that "skinny" again, I'm smaller than that now, smaller and more fit than I've ever been. I'm stronger, I'm faster, I'm better looking (well, it's true). I feel bad that I wasted years obese, thinking it was just the way I was now. The best and most empowering thing I've learned in the past year is that if you want something, you freaking go get it! This is the ONLY life we get (well, depending on if you believe in reincarnation), and it's a damn shame to go through it not being exactly who you want to be.
My best advice, weight loss or otherwise, don't waste another SECOND being anything other than what you want to be. Go DO IT, and go do it NOW!
Starting weight 3/22/12: 220
Current weight 3/22/13: 139 (maintaining weight flux between 137-141)
Starting BMI: 35.5
Current BMI: 22.4
Starting Body Fat%: >44%
Current Body Fat%: ~23-25%
Starting pant size: 20 solid
Current pant size: 4s, 6s, 7s, 9s (depending on brand)
Starting shirt size: XL-XXL
Current shirt size : M
The scary thing is that I look back at pictures of myself at my heaviest and it really and truly shocks me! I knew I was big, I felt big, but I didn't feel I looked as big as I was in reality. I have kind of the exact opposite problem now -- I feel bigger than I actually look. I will see a picture of myself and be surprised (pleasantly); I've seen my own reflection out places and TWICE thought it was someone else, someone skinny, wearing my exact same clothes and feeling irritated they looked better than me, then realizing it WAS me. My entire life has changed over the past year, lots and lots of good ways, some not-so-good (losing this much weight is a head trip). Losing weight doesn't solve all of your problems that's for sure, sometimes it causes new ones. I definitely wouldn't trade back though, not for a second.
I'm literally in the best shape of my life, better than when I was a trainer. Pictures of myself that I used to look at longingly, when I was obese, and think that I would never be that "skinny" again, I'm smaller than that now, smaller and more fit than I've ever been. I'm stronger, I'm faster, I'm better looking (well, it's true). I feel bad that I wasted years obese, thinking it was just the way I was now. The best and most empowering thing I've learned in the past year is that if you want something, you freaking go get it! This is the ONLY life we get (well, depending on if you believe in reincarnation), and it's a damn shame to go through it not being exactly who you want to be.
My best advice, weight loss or otherwise, don't waste another SECOND being anything other than what you want to be. Go DO IT, and go do it NOW!
Starting weight 3/22/12: 220
Current weight 3/22/13: 139 (maintaining weight flux between 137-141)
Starting BMI: 35.5
Current BMI: 22.4
Starting Body Fat%: >44%
Current Body Fat%: ~23-25%
Starting pant size: 20 solid
Current pant size: 4s, 6s, 7s, 9s (depending on brand)
Starting shirt size: XL-XXL
Current shirt size : M
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Neat-O
I found a new blog I'm in love with! A friend of mine linked an entry over on MFP and I got hooked. I tried a workout setup she had posted about (the goal of having a Muscular and Feminine Physique), and it was AWESOME, kicked my ass. She posted about doing 20 mins of strength at the beginning when your strongest (makes sense), then doing MRT (Metabolic Resistance Training) so you can get your cardio without doing cardio, then following it up with a Finisher (BLOG HERE). Here's what I did:
Strength:
Pull Up Negatives: 4 sets of 3. 2 mins rest between sets.
Cleans: 3 sets of 3: 65 lbs. 2 mins rest between sets.
High Pulls: 3 sets of 3: 65 lbs. 2 mins rest between sets.
(Panned to do 5 sets of Cleans, but I'm still new to them and struggling with form and needed to do some High Pulls instead to practice that part of the movement.)
MRT:
Incline Dumbbell Bench Presss: 25 lbs
Rear Lunge with Kettlebell: 35 lbs (1 kb)
Rolling Planks
Bent Over Barbell Row: 45 lbs
Jump Squats
All 8 reps, 15-30 seconds between exercises, 1-2 min reset between rounds, 3 rounds. (HOLY HELL IT WAS HARD)
Finisher:
Kettlebell Swings: 25 lbs
15-20 reps on the minute, every minute, for 8 minutes. (DEATH!!!!!!!!!)
The whole thing took exactly an hour. It was fun, never got bored, was very challenging. I got to keep my strength stuff, which I LOVE, but got in some cardio without doing cardio (which was AMAZING).
This is my 8th week, and I'm excited to be starting something a little different, but still be able to continue working on what I have been!
Strength:
Pull Up Negatives: 4 sets of 3. 2 mins rest between sets.
Cleans: 3 sets of 3: 65 lbs. 2 mins rest between sets.
High Pulls: 3 sets of 3: 65 lbs. 2 mins rest between sets.
(Panned to do 5 sets of Cleans, but I'm still new to them and struggling with form and needed to do some High Pulls instead to practice that part of the movement.)
MRT:
Incline Dumbbell Bench Presss: 25 lbs
Rear Lunge with Kettlebell: 35 lbs (1 kb)
Rolling Planks
Bent Over Barbell Row: 45 lbs
Jump Squats
All 8 reps, 15-30 seconds between exercises, 1-2 min reset between rounds, 3 rounds. (HOLY HELL IT WAS HARD)
Finisher:
Kettlebell Swings: 25 lbs
15-20 reps on the minute, every minute, for 8 minutes. (DEATH!!!!!!!!!)
The whole thing took exactly an hour. It was fun, never got bored, was very challenging. I got to keep my strength stuff, which I LOVE, but got in some cardio without doing cardio (which was AMAZING).
This is my 8th week, and I'm excited to be starting something a little different, but still be able to continue working on what I have been!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Radom updates
I'm in my 7th week of maintenance. 7th consecutive week of lifting. Ups and downs, figuratively and literally. Still going between 137.2 and 141.8. Been having lots of great days, some not-so-great days. Some days I feel really wonderful about the way I look, some days I wanna hide in baggy clothes and can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. All pretty "normal", I'd say.
I got a wild hair and went for an outside run this past Friday. It was cool out, a little overcast. About a mile in the weather turned, super windy, got cold, barely made it home before it started pouring, cold cold rain. It was a great run. One of those where I felt like I could go forever. Was a little disappointed I was driven home by the weather, but I made it exactly 5k, which felt pretty amazing considering I have only run a handful of times in the past months. Boy I loathe being cold, especially being blindsided by it. I impressed myself that I didn't start running home the second it started getting windy. Win for me.
My lifting is going very well. I'm progressing weekly. Upping weights, getting stronger, working my way towards a pull up. Still enjoying it very much. Well, most of the time. Last night's workout was a struggle. I was tired and whiny and wanted to skip it, but I knew I'd regret that so I did it anyway. Wasn't one of my best workouts, but it was sure as heck better than none at all.
Still struggling with, and working on, not weighing so often. I made it 2 and a half days a couple days ago. That's a record!
On another random note, found out I have diastatis recti. Makes a lot of sense. I noticed something strange months and months ago, it has gotten better since then, but nice to know what it is. Only about a finger width (maybe tiny bit more) now.
I'm in a weird frame of mind right now and have all kinds of things I'm pondering. Should I try and lose some more? Eat in a small deficit daily? Eat in a medium deficit on non-workout days and maintenance on workout days? Try Intermittent Fasting again? If so do I start eating later, or cut of eating earlier? If I cut off eating earlier that may hinder my workouts that are usually at 7pm, so do I try and hold off on breakfast? I'm usually cranky if I don't eat in the morning, would that get better eventually? If so would it be worth it in the short term being cranky until I AM used to it? Should I start trying to add cardio back in more often? Or just when the mood strikes? Will my midsection ever look decent? Should I count calories again for a while? Should I focus on macros again?
Another random thing, I want to start doing yoga.
See, I'm all over the place.
I got a wild hair and went for an outside run this past Friday. It was cool out, a little overcast. About a mile in the weather turned, super windy, got cold, barely made it home before it started pouring, cold cold rain. It was a great run. One of those where I felt like I could go forever. Was a little disappointed I was driven home by the weather, but I made it exactly 5k, which felt pretty amazing considering I have only run a handful of times in the past months. Boy I loathe being cold, especially being blindsided by it. I impressed myself that I didn't start running home the second it started getting windy. Win for me.
My lifting is going very well. I'm progressing weekly. Upping weights, getting stronger, working my way towards a pull up. Still enjoying it very much. Well, most of the time. Last night's workout was a struggle. I was tired and whiny and wanted to skip it, but I knew I'd regret that so I did it anyway. Wasn't one of my best workouts, but it was sure as heck better than none at all.
Still struggling with, and working on, not weighing so often. I made it 2 and a half days a couple days ago. That's a record!
On another random note, found out I have diastatis recti. Makes a lot of sense. I noticed something strange months and months ago, it has gotten better since then, but nice to know what it is. Only about a finger width (maybe tiny bit more) now.
I'm in a weird frame of mind right now and have all kinds of things I'm pondering. Should I try and lose some more? Eat in a small deficit daily? Eat in a medium deficit on non-workout days and maintenance on workout days? Try Intermittent Fasting again? If so do I start eating later, or cut of eating earlier? If I cut off eating earlier that may hinder my workouts that are usually at 7pm, so do I try and hold off on breakfast? I'm usually cranky if I don't eat in the morning, would that get better eventually? If so would it be worth it in the short term being cranky until I AM used to it? Should I start trying to add cardio back in more often? Or just when the mood strikes? Will my midsection ever look decent? Should I count calories again for a while? Should I focus on macros again?
Another random thing, I want to start doing yoga.
See, I'm all over the place.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Not DREADING Summer
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| Wow I really need to clean the mirror! |
I'm already stocking up on skirts (thift shop find in the pic, $3 Gap skirt , size SMALL, ha! Gap you SO vanity size!) and will have to get some shorts. It's FUN! It feels kind of amazing! I'm actually starting to think WOW I kind of have some decent legs, and my arms are firming up nicely. It's such a very very weird feeling to start actually liking my body. I've noticed a change just in the last 5 weeks that I've been lifting consistently.
No real point to this post aside from just being excited!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
5 weeks in
Ahhhh, that's better, my blog needed a facelift. The orange was starting to annoy me.
Anyhow. I got my 3rd workout in, for the week, yesterday -- which completed and my 5th consecutive week of lifting. I'm really amazed at the progress I've made. I'm for sure more fit than I've ever been in my life, and most definitely the strongest I've ever been as well. I feel like I'm making tons of progress in that area. I've been successfully maintaining my weight for 5 weeks as well, basically eating whatever, and not counting calories for a while now. My diet has been decent at best, crappy at worst, so I'm venturing into some experimentation with that. I feel really good overall, but I've noticed ebbs and flows of lethargy and just dragginess; I'm sure a lot of it has to do with drinking energy drinks and diet soda I've gotten back into drinking, hmmm, the fast food probably doesn't help either. I'm cutting those out, and for now I'm seeing what it's like to exclude wheat. I, personally, don't have anything against wheat, I'm not gluten intolerant or anything. There's so much out right now about the "evils" of wheat, I just kind of want to see if there's anything to that. I eat quite a bit of wheat on a typical day, so it was definitely missed yesterday, but it went well. I ate a lot more veggies and some fruit, kind of just naturally, as to replace the spots where wheat would usually be. I'm certainly not trying to do low carb right now; I still ate rice, and quite a few very starchy veggies, plus fruit. Mainly just trying to eat more whole foods and just clean up my diet as a whole. I'd love to be one of those clean eating fanatics! I don't necessarily see that happening, but smalls steps right!?
Anyhow. I got my 3rd workout in, for the week, yesterday -- which completed and my 5th consecutive week of lifting. I'm really amazed at the progress I've made. I'm for sure more fit than I've ever been in my life, and most definitely the strongest I've ever been as well. I feel like I'm making tons of progress in that area. I've been successfully maintaining my weight for 5 weeks as well, basically eating whatever, and not counting calories for a while now. My diet has been decent at best, crappy at worst, so I'm venturing into some experimentation with that. I feel really good overall, but I've noticed ebbs and flows of lethargy and just dragginess; I'm sure a lot of it has to do with drinking energy drinks and diet soda I've gotten back into drinking, hmmm, the fast food probably doesn't help either. I'm cutting those out, and for now I'm seeing what it's like to exclude wheat. I, personally, don't have anything against wheat, I'm not gluten intolerant or anything. There's so much out right now about the "evils" of wheat, I just kind of want to see if there's anything to that. I eat quite a bit of wheat on a typical day, so it was definitely missed yesterday, but it went well. I ate a lot more veggies and some fruit, kind of just naturally, as to replace the spots where wheat would usually be. I'm certainly not trying to do low carb right now; I still ate rice, and quite a few very starchy veggies, plus fruit. Mainly just trying to eat more whole foods and just clean up my diet as a whole. I'd love to be one of those clean eating fanatics! I don't necessarily see that happening, but smalls steps right!?
Friday, March 1, 2013
WOW, MARCH!
March is kind of a big deal for me. Last March (March 22nd to be exact) was when I started this whole thing. I've been at this just a few weeks shy of an entire YEAR. That's pretty huge. This wasn't my first go around with weight loss, which has made it easier AND more difficult. I've been very worried about regaining, as people who lose weight often are, but I'm definitely starting to feel more confident that I've made actual life changes and not just simple dropped a bunch of weight. I have many goals aside from simply being thin (which I still don't consider myself), and I believe that helps me quite a bit. I've decided to see a counselor to try and work through, and gain tools, to aid me in overcoming some returning bad habits and thought patterns I have. I've successfully maintained for nearly 5 weeks now, and while for some that may seem like no big deal I've never been able to maintain after losing. I'm either losing or gaining, or fighting with one or the other.
I did my measurements and took my official weight and body fat percentage yesterday as I do at the end of every month. I was pretty happy with the results. Weight stable (down 1.4 lbs from the month before), down a couple inches here and there, put on a quarter inch in my upper arms/lower shoulders area (muscle baby), down a half percent of body fat. Pretty decent. The only slight disappointment is that none of the inches lost were from my mid-section, which is basically the only place I feel I have any significant amount of fat left to lose.
New, and continued, focuses: Lifting!!! Getting stronger! Maintenance. Going to experiment with my diet a little bit so see how my body reacts. My husband and I have always talked about aiming for more of a whole foods diet, which is ideal of course. It's a difficult transition for many reasons; cost being one, food prep being another, and just overall change is HARD. So we've decided to go at it in a sensible and slow way (hard for me, I have a hard time doing things gradually). We decided to start by cutting out highly processed products, including wheat products and staying away from refined sugars and anything with added corn products (with the exception of the protein powders we recently bought and the protein bars we recently bought). This isn't necessarily a permanent change as I just can't see never having bread again, but I'm interested to see if I feel any different because I do eat a lot of these types of things. Next will be artificial sweeteners. That one makes me cringe. The thing is though, I know I will feel better, it's hard cutting out vices! But I'm trying to look at it more like an experiment. I've never attempted any kind of diet tweaks unless I was trying to lose weight, so doing it purely for health, I feel, may give me a different perspective.
Kind of a rambly, all over the place, post, but just getting my thoughts out.
I did my measurements and took my official weight and body fat percentage yesterday as I do at the end of every month. I was pretty happy with the results. Weight stable (down 1.4 lbs from the month before), down a couple inches here and there, put on a quarter inch in my upper arms/lower shoulders area (muscle baby), down a half percent of body fat. Pretty decent. The only slight disappointment is that none of the inches lost were from my mid-section, which is basically the only place I feel I have any significant amount of fat left to lose.
New, and continued, focuses: Lifting!!! Getting stronger! Maintenance. Going to experiment with my diet a little bit so see how my body reacts. My husband and I have always talked about aiming for more of a whole foods diet, which is ideal of course. It's a difficult transition for many reasons; cost being one, food prep being another, and just overall change is HARD. So we've decided to go at it in a sensible and slow way (hard for me, I have a hard time doing things gradually). We decided to start by cutting out highly processed products, including wheat products and staying away from refined sugars and anything with added corn products (with the exception of the protein powders we recently bought and the protein bars we recently bought). This isn't necessarily a permanent change as I just can't see never having bread again, but I'm interested to see if I feel any different because I do eat a lot of these types of things. Next will be artificial sweeteners. That one makes me cringe. The thing is though, I know I will feel better, it's hard cutting out vices! But I'm trying to look at it more like an experiment. I've never attempted any kind of diet tweaks unless I was trying to lose weight, so doing it purely for health, I feel, may give me a different perspective.
Kind of a rambly, all over the place, post, but just getting my thoughts out.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Strength
I'd say that I'm getting pretty into the whole lifting and strength thing. I, just in the past several weeks, have started doing things like deadlifts, cleans, pull ups (negatives, obvs can't do the real thing yet). These are all things I've NEVER done before, even though I have a fair bit of experience with weight training, until now I've stayed away from anything that intimidated me. I'll tell ya though, nothing makes you feel like a bad ass quite like lifting heavy things. I'm kind of addicted! It's thrilling to be able to progress each workout. I was able to deadlift 100 pounds last night for two sets of three after warming up with lower weight. I did some cleans, dumbbell incline bench, and barbell rows too. I felt super strong. Got me wondering though, what's the standard of strength for women in the bigger lifts.
If you've read my blog at all before this post you'll know I'm into the numbers. Sometimes it's purely for comparison's sake, sometimes it's because I'm goal oriented and need the numbers to shoot for. Since I'm maintaining now, my number focus has been kind of cut off. I like having that focus though, and now I've found new numbers to focus on! So after my huge feat of strength last night (ha!) I decided to try and find some sort of numbers out there that say what "strong" is for a woman, on various lifts. And guess what!? There are people out there who have put together a nice little chart for my viewing pleasure. I actually found a couple, but this one is my favorite CHART (thought I like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE as well, the first is more pleasing to my eyeballs). These number are based on a max, not several reps and sets, so I'm probably in the novice range for most (which makes sense since I JUST started doing these lifts), though you better bet I'll be finding out! It's just nice to have something to work toward!
If you've read my blog at all before this post you'll know I'm into the numbers. Sometimes it's purely for comparison's sake, sometimes it's because I'm goal oriented and need the numbers to shoot for. Since I'm maintaining now, my number focus has been kind of cut off. I like having that focus though, and now I've found new numbers to focus on! So after my huge feat of strength last night (ha!) I decided to try and find some sort of numbers out there that say what "strong" is for a woman, on various lifts. And guess what!? There are people out there who have put together a nice little chart for my viewing pleasure. I actually found a couple, but this one is my favorite CHART (thought I like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE as well, the first is more pleasing to my eyeballs). These number are based on a max, not several reps and sets, so I'm probably in the novice range for most (which makes sense since I JUST started doing these lifts), though you better bet I'll be finding out! It's just nice to have something to work toward!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Feeling Good
If I'd have blogged yesterday it would have had a much different tone (bad day), but today I'm feeling rather chipper.
I officially completed week 4 of lifting 3 days a week! AND we got our barbell yesterday. We had bought one at Walmart that was just crappy; it was 3 pieces and I don't know if it was defective or just a total piece of crap but I returned it and ordered the other off of Amazon, free shipping, and it came super fast. It's awesome. PLUS we found an cool little store called Sport and Fitness Exchange and bought four 25 pound plates. They sell plates for just $.50 a lb! They had a bunch of stuff. I'm going to keep my eye out for a Spin bike. We already have so much stuff, it's a good investment to continue to build our collection.
In other news, I cancelled my gym membership. I'm loving lifting at home. We have MORE than enough stuff, plus my in-laws who live on the next street (as I mentioned before) have even more weight, Olympic bars, plus a squat rack. I'm set. Cardio is easy to come by; run out side, do a dvd, jump around, whatever! I wasn't utilizing the gym enough to justify the payment and I told myself if I worked out at home consistently for a month that proved I didn't need the gym. Jason is training me, and I have enjoyed my workouts more in the past month than I ever have. It's nice not having to plan it out or thing about it. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life, and I didn't need a gym to do it.
Still haven't been counting calories but my weight has been holding steady between 138.4 and 139.8 for the past week. Not too shabby! I'm anxious to see how my measurements are on Thursday. I'm not expecting much of a change, but we will see!
I officially completed week 4 of lifting 3 days a week! AND we got our barbell yesterday. We had bought one at Walmart that was just crappy; it was 3 pieces and I don't know if it was defective or just a total piece of crap but I returned it and ordered the other off of Amazon, free shipping, and it came super fast. It's awesome. PLUS we found an cool little store called Sport and Fitness Exchange and bought four 25 pound plates. They sell plates for just $.50 a lb! They had a bunch of stuff. I'm going to keep my eye out for a Spin bike. We already have so much stuff, it's a good investment to continue to build our collection.
In other news, I cancelled my gym membership. I'm loving lifting at home. We have MORE than enough stuff, plus my in-laws who live on the next street (as I mentioned before) have even more weight, Olympic bars, plus a squat rack. I'm set. Cardio is easy to come by; run out side, do a dvd, jump around, whatever! I wasn't utilizing the gym enough to justify the payment and I told myself if I worked out at home consistently for a month that proved I didn't need the gym. Jason is training me, and I have enjoyed my workouts more in the past month than I ever have. It's nice not having to plan it out or thing about it. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life, and I didn't need a gym to do it.
Still haven't been counting calories but my weight has been holding steady between 138.4 and 139.8 for the past week. Not too shabby! I'm anxious to see how my measurements are on Thursday. I'm not expecting much of a change, but we will see!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Been a while
Not much to report.
I'm in week 4 of consistently lifting. That feels really good, and I'm enjoying lifting heavier, lower reps. I'm able to increase my weight almost every time. It's pretty awesome feeling strong.
Cardio, meh. Didn't do but maybe once last week, none this week so far. Unless you count the housework and chasing after the kids.
Had been counting calories, but I do get sick of it easily. Been maintaining my weight between about 138 and 141. If I see a reason to return to counting I will.
I had an NSV yesterday. I bought a new skirt (well, new to me, I got it for $4 at Goodwill -- looked brand new, from Old Navy). I bought a new dress 2 weeks ago (new, new for real), but didn't notice what I noticed yesterday. . . No chub rub! Man, this summer is going to be so much cooler than the summers of the past. I haven't worn anything but jeans and t-shirts during the summers forever and ever. Now I can wear skirts, dresses, tanks and shorts!? Ok, yes I realize I COULD have worn them before, but I wasn't comfortable doing so.
I'm still struggling with feeling fat and feeling like I need to lose more weight. But I'm really trying to be patient with the lifting. If NOTHING else this will be a very nice break and IF I decided to go back into a calorie deficit and shoot to lose more, maybe my body will respond more readily after this maintenance break.
I'm in week 4 of consistently lifting. That feels really good, and I'm enjoying lifting heavier, lower reps. I'm able to increase my weight almost every time. It's pretty awesome feeling strong.
Cardio, meh. Didn't do but maybe once last week, none this week so far. Unless you count the housework and chasing after the kids.
Had been counting calories, but I do get sick of it easily. Been maintaining my weight between about 138 and 141. If I see a reason to return to counting I will.
I had an NSV yesterday. I bought a new skirt (well, new to me, I got it for $4 at Goodwill -- looked brand new, from Old Navy). I bought a new dress 2 weeks ago (new, new for real), but didn't notice what I noticed yesterday. . . No chub rub! Man, this summer is going to be so much cooler than the summers of the past. I haven't worn anything but jeans and t-shirts during the summers forever and ever. Now I can wear skirts, dresses, tanks and shorts!? Ok, yes I realize I COULD have worn them before, but I wasn't comfortable doing so.
I'm still struggling with feeling fat and feeling like I need to lose more weight. But I'm really trying to be patient with the lifting. If NOTHING else this will be a very nice break and IF I decided to go back into a calorie deficit and shoot to lose more, maybe my body will respond more readily after this maintenance break.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Little update
I'm holding strong in maintenance. Been hovering between 137.6 and 140.6 -- today weighed in at 138.8. Ya, you read that right, I weighed. I have been, I only made it that ONE day without. I am disappointed in myself in some ways, but I've been dealing with quite a lot and apparently just can't handle not weighing. One thing at a time I suppose.
I did well through all 3 of Jason's birthday celebration (I'm talking 3 separate cakes, fried chicken, potato salad, steaks, burgers, hot dogs, fries, baked potatoes, doritos etc etc). I did go over calories all 3 times but not grossly; was able to do a tad of a deficit in the days following (meaning I ate 2000 on workout days instead of the allotted 2250-2300) to offset it.
I've been doing GREAT with my workouts! I'm 2 weeks in and haven't missed a workout yet. I'm feeling great, physically! I feel strong and am really enjoying lifting, and since my cardio days are just 30 minutes, those aren't too bad either.
The mental part has been more of a struggle, and it's a work in progress. The last 2 weeks have done me a lot of good. I've been able to see that eating a normal amount doesn't mean steady weight gain. I've been able to prove to myself that I can see a difference in my body through working out even with no loss on the scale.
Also, I found a new hero!!! Here is her Tumblr. WOWOWOWOWOW! That is exactly what I'd love to look like. She's such a bad ass and so strong.
I did well through all 3 of Jason's birthday celebration (I'm talking 3 separate cakes, fried chicken, potato salad, steaks, burgers, hot dogs, fries, baked potatoes, doritos etc etc). I did go over calories all 3 times but not grossly; was able to do a tad of a deficit in the days following (meaning I ate 2000 on workout days instead of the allotted 2250-2300) to offset it.
I've been doing GREAT with my workouts! I'm 2 weeks in and haven't missed a workout yet. I'm feeling great, physically! I feel strong and am really enjoying lifting, and since my cardio days are just 30 minutes, those aren't too bad either.
The mental part has been more of a struggle, and it's a work in progress. The last 2 weeks have done me a lot of good. I've been able to see that eating a normal amount doesn't mean steady weight gain. I've been able to prove to myself that I can see a difference in my body through working out even with no loss on the scale.
Also, I found a new hero!!! Here is her Tumblr. WOWOWOWOWOW! That is exactly what I'd love to look like. She's such a bad ass and so strong.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I did it, I did it, I did it YAY! Lo hice, I did it, HOORAY!
For anyone who reads this that is familiar with Dora the Explorer, that title should be sung like the "We did it" song. You're welcome!
I DID NOT weight myself today. WOOOOO!!!! It was almost too easy this morning though. I was ASS tired because I went to sleep at 10:30pm (late for me), my daughter woke at 12:15am and by the time I got her settled down my son woke and was then up until 3am, then I had to wake up for work at 5am. So about 3 and a half hours of sleep. I was within my calorie range yesterday but was in the mood for junk food so I indulged in McDonald's for lunch and Pizza for dinner. It was really nice, actually, to be able to eat greasy crap food and get full and still be within calorie range! 2250 calories is A LOT! I love it!
Got my nice intense cardio session in last night too, weights tonight.
Today is my husband's birthday and I always make him a red velvet cake with homemade whipped cream for frosting/icing (what's the diff between the 2 btw?), and he requested fried chicken for dinner. This could get tricky! But I'll try and roll with the punches!
I DID NOT weight myself today. WOOOOO!!!! It was almost too easy this morning though. I was ASS tired because I went to sleep at 10:30pm (late for me), my daughter woke at 12:15am and by the time I got her settled down my son woke and was then up until 3am, then I had to wake up for work at 5am. So about 3 and a half hours of sleep. I was within my calorie range yesterday but was in the mood for junk food so I indulged in McDonald's for lunch and Pizza for dinner. It was really nice, actually, to be able to eat greasy crap food and get full and still be within calorie range! 2250 calories is A LOT! I love it!
Got my nice intense cardio session in last night too, weights tonight.
Today is my husband's birthday and I always make him a red velvet cake with homemade whipped cream for frosting/icing (what's the diff between the 2 btw?), and he requested fried chicken for dinner. This could get tricky! But I'll try and roll with the punches!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Suck suck suckity suck
Replace all S's with F's and that's the general idea! GAH! I couldn't even make it ONE day! I weighed myself this morning. This needs to STOP!!! I stand by my goal of not weighing, I guess I will try a new approach tomorrow, like putting the scales in a steel treasure box wrapped with chains and locked with 45 locks each key given to a different peron who will swallow them, then drop the box in a canal. I cannot convince myself that the scale doesn't matter if I insist on weighing myself every day because then obviously I consider it to matter very much if I can't even freaking go ONE day without weighing. I'm so frustrated with myself!
ANYWAY! I had a GREAT workout last night. I was able to go up in weight on everything and I felt like a super bad ass afterwards. I went a tad over on my calories yesterday, but honestly it doesn't matter. I believe this is why I had a hard time fighting the urge to weigh in this morning. I wanted to see if that 150 calories made me gain 423453452345 pounds, guess what!? It didn't, I was down from yesterday. See SELF!!! See!!!!
Tonight is cardio and I'm looking forward to it!
Tomorrow is another day, another day to try not to weigh.
ANYWAY! I had a GREAT workout last night. I was able to go up in weight on everything and I felt like a super bad ass afterwards. I went a tad over on my calories yesterday, but honestly it doesn't matter. I believe this is why I had a hard time fighting the urge to weigh in this morning. I wanted to see if that 150 calories made me gain 423453452345 pounds, guess what!? It didn't, I was down from yesterday. See SELF!!! See!!!!
Tonight is cardio and I'm looking forward to it!
Tomorrow is another day, another day to try not to weigh.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Breaking Habits
I've completed an entire week of maintenance calories and consistent working out. Obviously that isn't a long time, but for me that's a big milestone with how much I've been struggling lately! I got a 30 minute, intense interval, cardio session in last night and today is lifting -- which I'm looking forward to (exciting). I have a plan, doing well following it, working on paying attention to thought patterns, and tendancies to stress about the scale and food. I think it's time to take another step, one which will be very hard, and I'm nervous about.
Over the past week I've only weighed in ONCE per day (except yesterday I snuck a weigh in on the analog scale, which I shouldn't have), down from every time I went to the bathroom, or more. I weighed in this morning, and I plan to not weigh again until next Monday. This makes me anxious!!! I don't really *want* to not weigh, but it's something I need to let go of for my mental health. I know that this calorie level isn't piling on a million pounds so there's no reason to worry I will gain weight unintentionally. I'm working out HARD on top of that. If I am going to switch focus to body recomposition and strength, the scale needs to take a back seat. Really, the scale needs to be in the trunk! I feel it's important for me to weigh-in to ensure accountability, but daily certainly isn't necessary for me at this point, and in truth it gets to me when it fluctuates up, even though rationally I know it's not FAT gain. It only makes sense to take the focus of the scale - physically, if I'm trying to take the focus of the scale - mentally. I'm uncomfortable doing this, which is a big sign to me that it's the right thing to do. My comfort zone hasn't been getting me anywhere positive, so I'm taking steps a little at a time, to break from my comfort zone; it hasn't been all that comfortable anyway.
Over the past week I've only weighed in ONCE per day (except yesterday I snuck a weigh in on the analog scale, which I shouldn't have), down from every time I went to the bathroom, or more. I weighed in this morning, and I plan to not weigh again until next Monday. This makes me anxious!!! I don't really *want* to not weigh, but it's something I need to let go of for my mental health. I know that this calorie level isn't piling on a million pounds so there's no reason to worry I will gain weight unintentionally. I'm working out HARD on top of that. If I am going to switch focus to body recomposition and strength, the scale needs to take a back seat. Really, the scale needs to be in the trunk! I feel it's important for me to weigh-in to ensure accountability, but daily certainly isn't necessary for me at this point, and in truth it gets to me when it fluctuates up, even though rationally I know it's not FAT gain. It only makes sense to take the focus of the scale - physically, if I'm trying to take the focus of the scale - mentally. I'm uncomfortable doing this, which is a big sign to me that it's the right thing to do. My comfort zone hasn't been getting me anywhere positive, so I'm taking steps a little at a time, to break from my comfort zone; it hasn't been all that comfortable anyway.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
And the 7th day she reflected
I've actually been trying to reflect everyday, but I thought the title was catchier this way. Today is the 7th day of working on maintenance. It's been one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. I had Jason train me Monday, Wednesday, and Friday -- the most lifting I've done in one week in AGES! I've started learning how to do exercises I've never done before, like Cleans. I'm completely excited about this type of workout. I've never really done low reps (like 2-3 reps) and high weight (high weight being subjective of course), but it's AWESOME! I seriously love it. I haven't dreaded any of my workouts this week. I did cardio Tuesday and Thursday, a half hour of fairly intense intervals. Rest Saturday and today. I need it too, I'm sore as hell in my upper body!
Calories? So glad you asked. Just as a reference I started this week (Monday) at 141.4 pounds. Obviously had gone up a few pounds, I've been in the 130s again since Tuesday. Trying to maintain apparently has helped me stabilize a little lower, very exciting, kind of let's me know I'm on the right track! I know very well it takes a while to really know what maintenance calories are, so that's why I'm continuing to weigh myself daily, I want to see if any patterns emerge. I'm tracking my calories diligently on myfitnesspal.com, and aiming for 2250 on workout days, and at least 140 grams of protein on lifting days. Yesterday was a rest day but I still ate 2250 instead of the 2000 goal for rest days, well, because I was hungry. I made a poor decision for a mid-afternoon snack that left me feeling very unsatisfied (note to self for the future), and I just decided if I get really hungry I'm allowed to eat (been struggling with giving myself permission to eat when hungry). I'm not going to sweat 250 calories, especially since I really don't know if 2000 on a "rest" day is breaking even or not ("rest", HA! I have a 1 year old and a 3.5 year old, even rest days are pretty damn active).
While I'm extremely hopeful and excited at this new phase of my life, I'm kind of sad too. I've been struggling so hard the past months eating as little as humanly possible and still function, fighting binges, and getting into some very detrimental habits, focusing solely on the scale, and I could have been doing my body so many favors by eating more and exercising. It's so COMMON SENSE, but I was in a bad head space, wouldn't hear it, refused to listen to reason. I'm like that about most things, if I've made up my mind about something (even if it's wrong) when I'm in that mindset there's just no reasoning with me. It's a very immature way to be, I'm working on it.
Calories? So glad you asked. Just as a reference I started this week (Monday) at 141.4 pounds. Obviously had gone up a few pounds, I've been in the 130s again since Tuesday. Trying to maintain apparently has helped me stabilize a little lower, very exciting, kind of let's me know I'm on the right track! I know very well it takes a while to really know what maintenance calories are, so that's why I'm continuing to weigh myself daily, I want to see if any patterns emerge. I'm tracking my calories diligently on myfitnesspal.com, and aiming for 2250 on workout days, and at least 140 grams of protein on lifting days. Yesterday was a rest day but I still ate 2250 instead of the 2000 goal for rest days, well, because I was hungry. I made a poor decision for a mid-afternoon snack that left me feeling very unsatisfied (note to self for the future), and I just decided if I get really hungry I'm allowed to eat (been struggling with giving myself permission to eat when hungry). I'm not going to sweat 250 calories, especially since I really don't know if 2000 on a "rest" day is breaking even or not ("rest", HA! I have a 1 year old and a 3.5 year old, even rest days are pretty damn active).
While I'm extremely hopeful and excited at this new phase of my life, I'm kind of sad too. I've been struggling so hard the past months eating as little as humanly possible and still function, fighting binges, and getting into some very detrimental habits, focusing solely on the scale, and I could have been doing my body so many favors by eating more and exercising. It's so COMMON SENSE, but I was in a bad head space, wouldn't hear it, refused to listen to reason. I'm like that about most things, if I've made up my mind about something (even if it's wrong) when I'm in that mindset there's just no reasoning with me. It's a very immature way to be, I'm working on it.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Change of Plans
I decided not to report my "Losses" for January, as I usually do each month. I did lose inches, and I netted a 1 pound scale loss, and about 1.5 % body fat; I'm pleased with all of that! BUT, for now I've decided to enter maintenance, and for my own mental health I need to take a step back from focusing on losses, losing, getting smaller, smaller pants, smaller shirts, smaller everything. I have gotten into a bad head space with it all. I decided to see someone to try and work out some of my issues, and I met with her for the first time yesterday. I think it will do me a lot of good.
So, switching focus. This is hard, I won't try and pretend this has ever been easy, and I won't lie and say it's a relief to enter maintenance because it isn't really so much a relief as it is a necessity, and I have a lot of anxiety about eating so much. I started as of Monday. My weight has stabilized downward. It does take time to figure out your maintenance calories and I decided to use the New Rules of Lifting for Women formula which puts me at 2000 calories on a regular no workout day, 2250 on a regular workout day, 2500 on a high intensity workout day. I want to give it around 4 weeks and see what happens weight-wise and body-fat-wise. I've planned to do weight training 3 days per week and have Jason train me at home, we have plenty of equipment, plus my in-laws live one street away and have an Olympic bar, squat rack, and more weight for everything than I could ever lift! I plan to do 2 to 3 days of cardio, never on weight training days, a max of 30 minutes with the intention of having it be intense intervals. Obviously I'm just 5 days in, but it's been working well so far, I feel really good. Since I've worked out every day so far, either weights or cardio, I've been at 2250 calories, which has seemed like SO MUCH food!!! I fully expected the scale to go UP, but in fact it's gone down. I had gained a couple pounds last week and gotten up to 141.4 and have been down in the 138.x range for 2 days now. Crazy! It honestly seems to go against nature, HA!
Goals you ask? Body composition focus and not scale focus. Strength and muscle gain! I want to start doing power lifting!!! I'm actually very excited about that. I hadn't been eating enough to fuel any sort of intense kind of workouts so now I can actually do it! I've switched to doing higher weight, low reps, more sets, than I have ever done, which is why I'm having Jason train me. It's out of my comfort zone! But I haven't been comfortable in a while so it's the perfect time to do something new. I've become too numbers focused even though, rationally, I know the scale number doesn't matter, especially now that I'm a normal weight.
Habits, beliefs, and thought patters, are all hard to change even if you know they're off, or wrong. I've known for a while I've needed to change some things, but I guess I'm just now ready to do it.
So, switching focus. This is hard, I won't try and pretend this has ever been easy, and I won't lie and say it's a relief to enter maintenance because it isn't really so much a relief as it is a necessity, and I have a lot of anxiety about eating so much. I started as of Monday. My weight has stabilized downward. It does take time to figure out your maintenance calories and I decided to use the New Rules of Lifting for Women formula which puts me at 2000 calories on a regular no workout day, 2250 on a regular workout day, 2500 on a high intensity workout day. I want to give it around 4 weeks and see what happens weight-wise and body-fat-wise. I've planned to do weight training 3 days per week and have Jason train me at home, we have plenty of equipment, plus my in-laws live one street away and have an Olympic bar, squat rack, and more weight for everything than I could ever lift! I plan to do 2 to 3 days of cardio, never on weight training days, a max of 30 minutes with the intention of having it be intense intervals. Obviously I'm just 5 days in, but it's been working well so far, I feel really good. Since I've worked out every day so far, either weights or cardio, I've been at 2250 calories, which has seemed like SO MUCH food!!! I fully expected the scale to go UP, but in fact it's gone down. I had gained a couple pounds last week and gotten up to 141.4 and have been down in the 138.x range for 2 days now. Crazy! It honestly seems to go against nature, HA!
Goals you ask? Body composition focus and not scale focus. Strength and muscle gain! I want to start doing power lifting!!! I'm actually very excited about that. I hadn't been eating enough to fuel any sort of intense kind of workouts so now I can actually do it! I've switched to doing higher weight, low reps, more sets, than I have ever done, which is why I'm having Jason train me. It's out of my comfort zone! But I haven't been comfortable in a while so it's the perfect time to do something new. I've become too numbers focused even though, rationally, I know the scale number doesn't matter, especially now that I'm a normal weight.
Habits, beliefs, and thought patters, are all hard to change even if you know they're off, or wrong. I've known for a while I've needed to change some things, but I guess I'm just now ready to do it.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Just another "this is what I'd like to do" ramble.
There is exactly 8 weeks until my official 1 year anniversary since starting losing weight. I still haven't hit that magical 100 pounds lost mark, which is annoying, so I do have that goal to hit FIRST (I mean mathematically there is no option lol), but I'd really like to be in the 120s by my offical one year anniversary. I made it to the 130s by my 1-year-since-my-high-weight anniversary, which was awesome even though I didn't make my original 100 pound goal by then. Shooting for the 120s in 8 weeks is fairly realistic as it puts me at about a pound a week goal (I was 138 today, but I've seen as low as 136.8 and TOM is here so I may see a whoosh soon) if I go by today's weight it's 8.2 pounds in 8 weeks which is reasonable. 2 lbs a weeks isn't really very doable for me anymore. I'm not willing to do what needs to be done in order to achieve that, to be quite honest 1 pound a week is hard enough at this point!!!
That's all really, I just wanted to put that out there.
That's all really, I just wanted to put that out there.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Fat Face. . . AGAIN!
I know I've posted several face comparison shots, well it's my blog so there!
I suppose the significance this time is that the ones on the left are from January 2012, and the ones on the right are from January 2013. The difference a year can make!!!
I suppose the significance this time is that the ones on the left are from January 2012, and the ones on the right are from January 2013. The difference a year can make!!!
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| January 2012 vs January 2013 |
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Willingness *a rant*
Cheerful compliance. The state of being ready, eager, or prepared to do something.
What about non-cheerful compliance? As in, let's say, resentful compliance or questionable compliance. Is that still willingness? What about if you aren't necessarily ready, eager, or prepared but you do it anyway? Is that still doing it willingly? Or is that something else?
Obviously we are talking semantics here, but I'm hoping you catch my drift as I am basically just about to launch into a whiny rant about not being at goal yet but not being sure if I'm willing to do what it takes to get there. Well, I shouldn't say that last part really because it's not a matter of wanting to give up, not at all. There's no giving up at this point, no going back, I haven't allowed that option nor should I. I'm not where I want to be so of course I'm not going to stop, or worse, backslide.
Basically I'm just throwing a little fit about not losing at a faster rate (like I used to), and it taking more effort and less calories than it used to (duh) the closer I get to goal, and anytime I eat a bit more than I should my body reacts more dramatically than it used to, and feeling a little irritated about always having to turn down yummy food that I want or not eat as much as I want or workout when I don't want to. (I just won the award for longest run on sentence EVER!)
And where is this all coming from all of a sudden? Well, it's coming from where it almost always is comes from -- a smaller pant size. This happens every.single.time I change sizes! I don't know why it's such a trigger for me but it is! I immediately eat crap foods and put on a pound or two and then regret returning my bigger pants for smaller pants because I *could* have been happy as a size 10, then 8, then 6. Well here I sit in my new size 4 pants that are a bit too snug now from the 2 pounds I've gained (it was 3 yesterday - obviously mostly water because I didn't eat THAT much, truly) and I keep going back and forth between trying to calm myself down by reminding myself that this ALWAYS happens when I switch sizes without a safety net (no size 6s in the house, I only had the 2 pants to begin with), and I can't very well wear my size 12s (that's the next smallest size I have available) out of the house, or only wear workout clothes everywhere.
I have no point or real subject matter here, I just needed to vent. I seriously JUST went through this when I returned my size 8s for 6s! That was around Thanksgiving, maybe a little before. It's weird how the smaller you get the quicker your pant size changes. Those 6s were tight for a while, then all of a sudden too big, like in just the matter of a few pounds. So I know these pants will fit fine in a week or so if I just buckle down. I know a big part of it is fear. I'm the smallest I've ever been in my life. Lowest weight as an adult and definitely the "thinnest" (I still can't refer to myself as thin without quotes because I don't see myself as thin at ALL) I've been in my entire life ever. This is complete uncharted territory for me, and yet I'm only a couple pounds lower than my lowest adult weight. There's a certain comfort zone I feel like I'm leaving that is very scary. I can't really explain why it's scary, but I can definitely feel the fear every time I see a new low weight on the scale I have a knee jerk reaction to binge. I've avoided binging for the most part, like full on binge, but I've definitely gone off plan.
The good news is that I have been working out! I got sick of the 30 Day Shred after 6 days, I took 1 day off then did a real weight workout yesterday and it felt good. I'm sore today and feeling very fat. I can feel fat bulging over the top of my pants right now and I'm disgusted by it. I told myself I'd wear my too-tight pants all day to remind me to stay on plan. Hopefully it works. There's nothing even remotely tempting to eat in the house so if I do go off plan it will be for no good reason.
What about non-cheerful compliance? As in, let's say, resentful compliance or questionable compliance. Is that still willingness? What about if you aren't necessarily ready, eager, or prepared but you do it anyway? Is that still doing it willingly? Or is that something else?
Obviously we are talking semantics here, but I'm hoping you catch my drift as I am basically just about to launch into a whiny rant about not being at goal yet but not being sure if I'm willing to do what it takes to get there. Well, I shouldn't say that last part really because it's not a matter of wanting to give up, not at all. There's no giving up at this point, no going back, I haven't allowed that option nor should I. I'm not where I want to be so of course I'm not going to stop, or worse, backslide.
Basically I'm just throwing a little fit about not losing at a faster rate (like I used to), and it taking more effort and less calories than it used to (duh) the closer I get to goal, and anytime I eat a bit more than I should my body reacts more dramatically than it used to, and feeling a little irritated about always having to turn down yummy food that I want or not eat as much as I want or workout when I don't want to. (I just won the award for longest run on sentence EVER!)
And where is this all coming from all of a sudden? Well, it's coming from where it almost always is comes from -- a smaller pant size. This happens every.single.time I change sizes! I don't know why it's such a trigger for me but it is! I immediately eat crap foods and put on a pound or two and then regret returning my bigger pants for smaller pants because I *could* have been happy as a size 10, then 8, then 6. Well here I sit in my new size 4 pants that are a bit too snug now from the 2 pounds I've gained (it was 3 yesterday - obviously mostly water because I didn't eat THAT much, truly) and I keep going back and forth between trying to calm myself down by reminding myself that this ALWAYS happens when I switch sizes without a safety net (no size 6s in the house, I only had the 2 pants to begin with), and I can't very well wear my size 12s (that's the next smallest size I have available) out of the house, or only wear workout clothes everywhere.
I have no point or real subject matter here, I just needed to vent. I seriously JUST went through this when I returned my size 8s for 6s! That was around Thanksgiving, maybe a little before. It's weird how the smaller you get the quicker your pant size changes. Those 6s were tight for a while, then all of a sudden too big, like in just the matter of a few pounds. So I know these pants will fit fine in a week or so if I just buckle down. I know a big part of it is fear. I'm the smallest I've ever been in my life. Lowest weight as an adult and definitely the "thinnest" (I still can't refer to myself as thin without quotes because I don't see myself as thin at ALL) I've been in my entire life ever. This is complete uncharted territory for me, and yet I'm only a couple pounds lower than my lowest adult weight. There's a certain comfort zone I feel like I'm leaving that is very scary. I can't really explain why it's scary, but I can definitely feel the fear every time I see a new low weight on the scale I have a knee jerk reaction to binge. I've avoided binging for the most part, like full on binge, but I've definitely gone off plan.
The good news is that I have been working out! I got sick of the 30 Day Shred after 6 days, I took 1 day off then did a real weight workout yesterday and it felt good. I'm sore today and feeling very fat. I can feel fat bulging over the top of my pants right now and I'm disgusted by it. I told myself I'd wear my too-tight pants all day to remind me to stay on plan. Hopefully it works. There's nothing even remotely tempting to eat in the house so if I do go off plan it will be for no good reason.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
New milestone.
Fit into a size 4 today. Wanted to share!
This is a pic of my biggest pants vs my new pants. Those size 18s from Walmart were TIGHT at 220 pounds. I now fit into a size 4 at 137 pounds!
This is a pic of my biggest pants vs my new pants. Those size 18s from Walmart were TIGHT at 220 pounds. I now fit into a size 4 at 137 pounds!
How I'm Treated
I went to the store yesterday evening and was reminded of something I've been meaning to blog about for a bit.
So, there I was in line, my total came to $16.03, the cashier asked if I had 3 cents, I didn't (just emptied my change into Emma's piggy bank). The cashier and man behind me start digging around in their pockets and come up with 3 cents. I had handed her a 20 so it wasn't as if I only had $16 and I was short, they just didn't want me to have to deal with all that 97 cents change I guess. So super nice of them! Then the young bag boy makes some small talk as he's bagging, the man behind me chimes in, the cashier continues chatting as well. A nice grocery store experience! Friendly people!
This made me reflect on all of the kind people who hold doors for me as I come out of the convenience store with my diet soda, or all of the other random niceties I have experienced lately. It has also reminded me of the other end of things -- the bitchiness I get from certain women.
All of this is new. Well, within, let's say, the past 4 months or so. I notice, as a whole, people are more friendly. I don't know how many doors men let close in my face coming out of stores when I was fat. Now, many seriously go out of their way to hold a door for me.
There's a person at work who went from being very short, and sometimes downright rude to me, to being not only nice and pleasant, but outwardly flirty. This is a person I've worked with for over two years.
This doesn't bother me though. I know for some people that lose quite a bit of weight, it actually makes them mad or resentful if people treat them differently, but I don't feel that way for two reasons. #1 - there's a decent chance that I am nicer now, more approachable, more friendly while out in public because I don't feel so self conscious. The fact that many people are more helpful and nicer to me could be that I give off a different vibe than I used to. #2 - I feel like it's human nature to act a little differently when someone is more attractive, and ya I am definitely more attractive then when I was obese. Not only do I have a shape now (which I competely lost as I got heavier - well I do suppose big blob is a shape but not an attractive one), but I dress nicer, wear make up, do my hair -- I never did that when I was heavy. I honestly don't even recognize myself. I'm certain I carry myself differently and exude a confidence that effects the way people react to me.
In actuality, I find it incredibly interesting. I went from almost literally invisible in public, to, well, not invisible. I was never treated badly, called names, or whatever, just basically wasn't acknowledged in any way. I find the new attention flattering, and then sometimes it makes me a little uncomfortable. But I definitely don't resent it. I was very unhappy in that body. I wasn't treating myself well, or with any care, why would I have expected anyone else to do so?
I am not speaking for ANYONE else but myself here, just as a side note. I know this can be a sensitive subject for people and that everyone experiences things differently.
So, there I was in line, my total came to $16.03, the cashier asked if I had 3 cents, I didn't (just emptied my change into Emma's piggy bank). The cashier and man behind me start digging around in their pockets and come up with 3 cents. I had handed her a 20 so it wasn't as if I only had $16 and I was short, they just didn't want me to have to deal with all that 97 cents change I guess. So super nice of them! Then the young bag boy makes some small talk as he's bagging, the man behind me chimes in, the cashier continues chatting as well. A nice grocery store experience! Friendly people!
This made me reflect on all of the kind people who hold doors for me as I come out of the convenience store with my diet soda, or all of the other random niceties I have experienced lately. It has also reminded me of the other end of things -- the bitchiness I get from certain women.
All of this is new. Well, within, let's say, the past 4 months or so. I notice, as a whole, people are more friendly. I don't know how many doors men let close in my face coming out of stores when I was fat. Now, many seriously go out of their way to hold a door for me.
There's a person at work who went from being very short, and sometimes downright rude to me, to being not only nice and pleasant, but outwardly flirty. This is a person I've worked with for over two years.
This doesn't bother me though. I know for some people that lose quite a bit of weight, it actually makes them mad or resentful if people treat them differently, but I don't feel that way for two reasons. #1 - there's a decent chance that I am nicer now, more approachable, more friendly while out in public because I don't feel so self conscious. The fact that many people are more helpful and nicer to me could be that I give off a different vibe than I used to. #2 - I feel like it's human nature to act a little differently when someone is more attractive, and ya I am definitely more attractive then when I was obese. Not only do I have a shape now (which I competely lost as I got heavier - well I do suppose big blob is a shape but not an attractive one), but I dress nicer, wear make up, do my hair -- I never did that when I was heavy. I honestly don't even recognize myself. I'm certain I carry myself differently and exude a confidence that effects the way people react to me.
In actuality, I find it incredibly interesting. I went from almost literally invisible in public, to, well, not invisible. I was never treated badly, called names, or whatever, just basically wasn't acknowledged in any way. I find the new attention flattering, and then sometimes it makes me a little uncomfortable. But I definitely don't resent it. I was very unhappy in that body. I wasn't treating myself well, or with any care, why would I have expected anyone else to do so?
I am not speaking for ANYONE else but myself here, just as a side note. I know this can be a sensitive subject for people and that everyone experiences things differently.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
WOW! 2013!
First blog post of the year. I wish I had something groundbreaking to write!
I did indeed make a list of New Year Resolutions, most of which aren't health/fitness/weight loss related, but I did promise myself I would focus more on fitness and getting back to working out regularly! I decided I don't have to go to the gym to workout, I can, but don't have to. I had to give myself permission because I have this thing in my head that it's not a "real" workout unless it's in a gym, which I know isn't true. We have a ton of workout equipment, so do my in-laws who live literally on the next street (I'm talking Olympic bar, squat rack, and more weight than I could ever lift), not to mention I can run outside, do workout videos; the options are endless. The gym is a great place to workout, and I hope to get in there from time to time to make the payment worth it (a whole $15 a month), but I've gotten hung up on the whole gym thing and turned my nose up at other workouts. Talk about DUMB too, so instead of getting in some (what I considered) half-assed home workout, I sat on my lazy butt doing nothing instead. Goes to show the lengths my excuses will go.
I still plan on doing the New Rules of Lifting for Women (I swear!!!!), but for now I've settled for committing (you've heard that one before right!? I'm such a flake!) to doing the 30 Day Shred. #1 it's so incredibly convenient and fast! #2 I really am out of shape (after 1 day of 30DS I'm so sore I am miserable -- did day 2 anyway though!). #3 I sometimes need to give myself baby steps when getting into something I don't enjoy. So that's my temporary plan. I do also want to start running again within the next week, making my goal to get out twice a week or so. Nothing crazy, just a couple runs a week.
The thing with working out for me is that it's only enjoyable when I feel strong and fit, which of course only happens after you've been working out for a while. When I start back up after not having worked out for a while, it's so miserable and just reminds me of how lame I've been and how much further along I could be if I'd have stayed consistent. I really hate that! I'm sure most/many people are like that as well. Anyway, here's to a year of fitness!
I did indeed make a list of New Year Resolutions, most of which aren't health/fitness/weight loss related, but I did promise myself I would focus more on fitness and getting back to working out regularly! I decided I don't have to go to the gym to workout, I can, but don't have to. I had to give myself permission because I have this thing in my head that it's not a "real" workout unless it's in a gym, which I know isn't true. We have a ton of workout equipment, so do my in-laws who live literally on the next street (I'm talking Olympic bar, squat rack, and more weight than I could ever lift), not to mention I can run outside, do workout videos; the options are endless. The gym is a great place to workout, and I hope to get in there from time to time to make the payment worth it (a whole $15 a month), but I've gotten hung up on the whole gym thing and turned my nose up at other workouts. Talk about DUMB too, so instead of getting in some (what I considered) half-assed home workout, I sat on my lazy butt doing nothing instead. Goes to show the lengths my excuses will go.
I still plan on doing the New Rules of Lifting for Women (I swear!!!!), but for now I've settled for committing (you've heard that one before right!? I'm such a flake!) to doing the 30 Day Shred. #1 it's so incredibly convenient and fast! #2 I really am out of shape (after 1 day of 30DS I'm so sore I am miserable -- did day 2 anyway though!). #3 I sometimes need to give myself baby steps when getting into something I don't enjoy. So that's my temporary plan. I do also want to start running again within the next week, making my goal to get out twice a week or so. Nothing crazy, just a couple runs a week.
The thing with working out for me is that it's only enjoyable when I feel strong and fit, which of course only happens after you've been working out for a while. When I start back up after not having worked out for a while, it's so miserable and just reminds me of how lame I've been and how much further along I could be if I'd have stayed consistent. I really hate that! I'm sure most/many people are like that as well. Anyway, here's to a year of fitness!
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