Willingness *a rant*

Cheerful compliance.  The state of being ready, eager, or prepared to do something.

What about non-cheerful compliance?  As in, let's say, resentful compliance or questionable compliance.  Is that still willingness?  What about if you aren't necessarily ready, eager, or prepared but you do it anyway?  Is that still doing it willingly?  Or is that something else? 

Obviously we are talking semantics here, but I'm hoping you catch my drift as I am basically just about to launch into a whiny rant about not being at goal yet but not being sure if I'm willing to do what it takes to get there.  Well, I shouldn't say that last part really because it's not a matter of wanting to give up, not at all.  There's no giving up at this point, no going back, I haven't allowed that option nor should I.  I'm not where I want to be so of course I'm not going to stop, or worse, backslide.

Basically I'm just throwing a little fit about not losing at a faster rate (like I used to), and it taking more effort and less calories than it used to (duh) the closer I get to goal, and anytime I eat a bit more than I should my body reacts more dramatically than it used to, and feeling a little irritated about always having to turn down yummy food that I want or not eat as much as I want or workout when I don't want to.  (I just won the award for longest run on sentence EVER!)

And where is this all coming from all of a sudden?  Well, it's coming from where it almost always is comes from -- a smaller pant size.  This happens every.single.time I change sizes!  I don't know why it's such a trigger for me but it is!  I immediately eat crap foods and put on a pound or two and then regret returning my bigger pants for smaller pants because I *could* have been happy as a size 10, then 8, then 6.  Well here I sit in my new size 4 pants that are a bit too snug now from the 2 pounds I've gained (it was 3 yesterday - obviously mostly water because I didn't eat THAT much, truly) and I keep going back and forth between trying to calm myself down by reminding myself that this ALWAYS happens when I switch sizes without a safety net (no size 6s in the house, I only had the 2 pants to begin with), and I can't very well wear my size 12s (that's the next smallest size I have available) out of the house, or only wear workout clothes everywhere.

I have no point or real subject matter here, I just needed to vent.  I seriously JUST went through this when I returned my size 8s for 6s!  That was around Thanksgiving, maybe a little before.  It's weird how the smaller you get the quicker your pant size changes.  Those 6s were tight for a while, then all of a sudden too big, like in just the matter of a few pounds.  So I know these pants will fit fine in a week or so if I just buckle down.  I know a big part of it is fear.  I'm the smallest I've ever been in my life.  Lowest weight as an adult and definitely the "thinnest" (I still can't refer to myself as thin without quotes because I don't see myself as thin at ALL) I've been in my entire life ever.  This is complete uncharted territory for me, and yet I'm only a couple pounds lower than my lowest adult weight.  There's a certain comfort zone I feel like I'm leaving that is very scary.  I can't really explain why it's scary, but I can definitely feel the fear every time I see a new low weight on the scale I have a knee jerk reaction to binge.  I've avoided binging for the most part, like full on binge, but I've definitely gone off plan. 

The good news is that I have been working out!  I got sick of the 30 Day Shred after 6 days, I took 1 day off then did a real weight workout yesterday and it felt good.  I'm sore today and feeling very fat.  I can feel fat bulging over the top of my pants right now and I'm disgusted by it.  I told myself I'd wear my too-tight pants all day to remind me to stay on plan.  Hopefully it works.  There's nothing even remotely tempting to eat in the house so if I do go off plan it will be for no good reason.