In the end, it really is all about love

Today.  Today was an experience.  I swear I had more breakthroughs in the past 5 weeks than in years and years!

I got a free session with a personal trainer for signing up with Fitness 1.  I've been there done that AS a trainer (training new clients for free to try and get them to buy sessions), so I figured whatever I'd go and get a good workout in and get to know some of the staff (I really like to feel like I belong when I'm a member of a gym).  So I get there and hop on a treadmill to warm up while I was waiting for him (after filling out a little questionnaire in which I was highly tempted to lie about my weight, but decided that was counterproductive).  The first trainer (I think the head one, his name is Kelly) had me come over to talk to him, then I met the trainer that would be training me (Jason, ironically enough), and we talked for a bit.  I told him I was up for anything (I would regret that).  I, honest to GOD, have never worked out that hard in my life.  I've never been very good at being consistent with with weight training and conditioning.  Cardio and diet I can do just fine (and by just fine I mean that I feel capable of doing it, not that I find it easy), but that 3rd aspect is what is challenging for me to actually DO because I have a hard time pushing myself.  So he puts me through this workout and he sees how much I'm struggling, and I've told him how I was a trainer and have gained all this weight and feel miserable and after a particularly difficult round of hell he says to me "You shouldn't be like this" (meaning struggling and so incredibly out of shape and overweight) .  And he said it in a sincere way, not in a mean way at all, but it just struck a nerve because, boy, it's SOOOO true!  I'm 29 years old, physically capable, and knowledgeable about health, fitness, nutrition, and working out; there is NO reason for me to be sitting here so overweight.  And the pregnancies are no excuse because with each pregnancy I was at the same starting weight, which was still at LEAST 40 pounds overweight.  Anyway, after he said that I started to cry, not because it hurt my feelings, but because it's so hard to take a look at yourself and see that you've done this to yourself.  It's seriously been a gut wrenching journey so far, and it's not going to get easier.  That is another thing that he and I talked about; it's not easy, it's going to be A LOT of work!  After my workout I sat down with Kelly and Jason again, of course I know they're trying to sell me personal training sessions, but I've known and met dozens and dozens of trainers and salesmen at gyms over the years I worked in them, and these guys are cool.  They were so encouraging, and for some reason it seems to resonate more hearing encouraging words from strangers than from loved ones.

Tonight I sit here with a very big mixture of feelings.  I feel strong, but I also feel weak.  I feel sad, but I also feel extremely encouraged.  I feel like there is no doubt that I CAN do whatever I want to do, with no limitations.  I feel grateful for everyday of this journey so far. It's about so much more than weight loss, it's about finding myself again, facing things I haven't before -- like loving myself.  In the end, it's all about love, like most things are.