UG!

I had been doing very well this week.  Added back some fruit, nuts, dairy, all in allotted portions.  I've felt really good.  Today just didn't go so well.

I woke up around 5:40 a.m. to get ready for work (Thursdays I work 7 to 11).  My eyes, which just got permanent eyeliner yesterday, were extremely swollen.  I showered, got dressed, ate breakfast (a small apple with a serving of almond butter, and 2 hard boiled eggs), packed a little snack (carrots and snow peas).  I felt a little self conscious of my eyes which right now look like a cross between horrible allergies, a rough night of drinking, and like I've been punched.  Anyway, work was fine and I got off a half hour early.  So I decided to stop by the gym right by our house as I had a "30 days free" pass.  So I walk in and have to wait at the front desk because no one is there.  The girl (probably mid 20s, and fairly chunky) comes up and I can already tell she has an attitude by the way she asks how she can help me.  I explain I got this 30 days free pass, and she explains back that it's 30 days free if you sign a year contract.  I wasn't really put off by that because I know there's always a catch, no biggie, but the way she said it was so snotty and rude!  So I ask if I can get like a week long pass to see if I want to join (I've been a member there before, but it's under new ownership now and I wanted to make sure I liked the atmosphere before I joined).  She gives me a dirty look and explains there is no week long pass.  So (and may I add I've been extremely NICE and friendly throughout this ordeal even though she's acting like a total beeotch) I say "So there's no way to find out if I like it here before I'm expected to sign up for an entire year?", and seriously I say it nicely, sincerely asking.  She says "Well, we have a 1 day pass if that's what you mean".  I turned around and walked out.  I seriously wanted to cry!  I was so excited to start going to the gym again.  So I came home and I was starving so I had lunch about an hour later (I tried to eat right away but sometimes the kids make that impossible).  Not that long later I had a snack.  Then Jason called to tell me that he got hired on permanent (he's been temp to hire since he started about 2 months ago).  That was super great news!!!  Such a relief, such a weight off.  I don't know what exactly set me off today, if it was the good news, or the confrontation at the gym, or if I got too hungry, or if it's my eyes hurting so much, or if I was actually truly hungry, but I ate too much!  I didn't eat anything "bad", I just had too many things.  I finally feel full, but I don't know if I was physically hungry or if it was something else.

That's the another piece of this puzzle for me, trying to decipher between actual hunger and whatever that other feeling is that makes me want to eat.  It's not something that happens everyday or even once a week.  If that's not something you have ever struggled with, it's not something you can probably understand.  Those little "tricks" like drinking water, or waiting a half hour, or chewing gum, don't work when this switch in my head gets flipped.  It's not about gaining self control, it's about figuring out what triggers this in me.

For accountability's sake this is what I ate today:

Breakfast: 1 small apple, 2 tbsp almond butter, 2 hard boiled eggs.
Snack:  snow peas, carrots, probably a half cup each (I typically don't worry about portions of veggies)
Lunch: 1 string cheese, 1/4 cup of nuts (macadamia, and hazelnuts), 1/2 serving dark chocolate, 2 tbsp dried cranberries, cucumbers, carrots, snow peas, red yellow orange and green bell pepper (again, I don't really worry about the serving size of veggies like these).
Snack: 2 hard boiled eggs and more carrots and snow peas.
(and here comes where the problem happened)
1 ounce turkey and 1 slice Havarti cheese
1/2 serving dark chocolate
1 or 2 ounces of Monterrey Jack cheese (I didn't weigh it)
1/4 cup macadamia nuts with 1/4 cup dried cranberries
1 large banana with 2 tbsp peanut butter
1/2 cup strawberries

If it wasn't for the total of 4 servings of nuts, and 3 or 4 servings of cheese, it wouldn't be that bad, but that's a hell of a lot of calories!  I am, however, proud of myself for not eating those cookies sitting on the counter that Emma picked out over the weekend, or any of the other junk foods in the house including the McDonald's fries that my Mother in Law got for Emma that she didn't touch that were calling my name.  I do give myself some credit for that.

I've been feeling pretty smug about "figuring out" that I need to cut out processed sugars and flours and basically grains (for myself, not saying everyone needs to).  This definitely put me in check today that I need to be mindful of this still, and that I certainly don't have it all figured out at all.