It doesn't take much but to watch the news to see how horrifying the world is, it's probably always been horrifying, it's just broadcasted more now. I try to avoid it really, I already know there are monsters out there, contrary to what I tell Emma all the time. "No honey there are no such things as monsters." I feel like a monster myself telling her this since I know it's a lie; but then again she believes in Santa, so I guess it isn't the only reality she will one day come to find mommy has be dishonest about.
I have decided I would like to home school. I know that most teachers are fine; my brother in law, and one of my closest friends, are teachers. My mom has been in education for years as a teacher and now as a principal, so I know that it is not common for a teacher to be a predator. I know even more teachers than that, and the ones I know are great, passionate teachers. What is common, though, is apathy among teachers. And you know, I don't blame them! It's ridiculous the hoops that teachers have to jump through these days, and it's at the expense of our children's education. Teaching to these absurd standardized tests, classroom overcrowding, and the parents they have to deal with, there's not enough money in the world for me to do that! And on top of that they don't make much for what they have to put up with.
I don't know, at this point, if I will home school their whole education through high school, but I do know for sure for the first several years I will. I'm so relieved! I've been having anxiety about taking Emma to her first day of Kindergarten since she was still in the womb. I don't trust many people with my babies! And I really can't imagine dropping her off and leaving her somewhere with some person and a group of obnoxious children I don't know (I admittedly do not like the vast majority of other people's children, certainly not ALL, but yes, a vast majority!). I can see myself showing up on the playground after learning someone called Emma a name and giving some 5 year old a piece of my mind. I know I can't protect them forever, but I can protect them for longer than the first 5 years! I was teased in school, and I don't feel like I learned anything from it. I am still sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily, so it certainly didn't thicken my skin any, it just taught me that people are mean, and it gave me lots of anxiety.
When I look back at my education in elementary, middle, and high school, you know what I remember? I remember trying to talk my mom into letting me stay home just about every day. I hated school, hated it with every fiber of my being. Sure, I have some good memories, and made a couple friends that I still have to this day, but it was never something I loved, or even tolerated well. I will ensure my kids have the same opportunities to join sports and go to events and socialize with other kids their age. If they want to go to dances and proms and all that stupid crap, I'll make sure they get to. I've never met a well adjusted adult who went to school their whole lives who loved it (it's mainly those people who are still acting like teenagers in their 30s who say high school was awesome). Even now my mom and I talk about it and she always says she wishes she'd have known more about home schooling when we were all in school, but she just didn't know the resources to look into.
I remember in 2nd grade I went to a Catholic school that year. I had spent Kindergarten and 1st grade at a regular ol' public school and I was way behind those private school kids. We had reading groups according to color, and the chart was in the back of the classroom, so it was no secret what colors were associated with what reading level. Well I was an Olive (ya, ugly color for the low level readers), and Aqua was the highest one, there was like maybe 5 colors in between the 2 but I don't remember those. I specifically remember a boy named Peter, cute blonde hair blue eyed little boy, that I had a crush on. He was an Aqua. Even at the young age of 7 I remember thinking that I was dumb, and that someone in the Aqua reading group wouldn't like someone in the Olive reading group. I hate that memory. I hate it for more than the fact that I felt dumb at such a young age, I hate it because I don't think it's fair to compare kids at that age and basically have them know, among themselves, who is ahead and who is behind. It sets kids up to have low expectation of themselves if they are lower level, and I believe (even though I have no proof) that it sets the higher level kids up to be more judgmental. Now, when we moved that summer and I ended up back in public school in 3rd grade I was WAY ahead of my peers, especially in reading, so it worked out ok after my year of hell (even though they still split the class up into reading levels and every kid still knew who was high and who was low). I ended up going on to graduate high school at 16 years old, but my motivation to do so was my intense hatred for school, not any sort of motivation stemming from being an overachiever, because that I am not.
No comments:
Post a Comment