Strength

I'd say that I'm getting pretty into the whole lifting and strength thing.  I, just in the past several weeks, have started doing things like deadlifts, cleans, pull ups (negatives, obvs can't do the real thing yet).  These are all things I've NEVER done before, even though I have a fair bit of experience with weight training, until now I've stayed away from anything that intimidated me.  I'll tell ya though, nothing makes you feel like a bad ass quite like lifting heavy things.  I'm kind of addicted!  It's thrilling to be able to progress each workout.  I was able to deadlift 100 pounds last night for two sets of three after warming up with lower weight.  I did some cleans, dumbbell incline bench, and barbell rows too.  I felt super strong.  Got me wondering though, what's the standard of strength for women in the bigger lifts. 

If you've read my blog at all before this post you'll know I'm into the numbers.  Sometimes it's purely for comparison's sake, sometimes it's because I'm goal oriented and need the numbers to shoot for.  Since I'm maintaining now, my number focus has been kind of cut off.  I like having that focus though, and now I've found new numbers to focus on!  So after my huge feat of strength last night (ha!) I decided to try and find some sort of numbers out there that say what "strong" is for a woman, on various lifts.  And guess what!?  There are people out there who have put together a nice little chart for my viewing pleasure.  I actually found a couple, but this one is my favorite CHART (thought I like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE as well, the first is more pleasing to my eyeballs).  These number are based on a max, not several reps and sets, so I'm probably in the novice range for most (which makes sense since I JUST started doing these lifts), though you better bet I'll be finding out!  It's just nice to have something to work toward!

Feeling Good

If I'd have blogged yesterday it would have had a much different tone (bad day), but today I'm feeling rather chipper.

I officially completed week 4 of lifting 3 days a week!  AND we got our barbell yesterday.  We had bought one at Walmart that was just crappy; it was 3 pieces and I don't know if it was defective or just a total piece of crap but I returned it and ordered the other off of Amazon, free shipping, and it came super fast.  It's awesome.  PLUS we found an cool little store called Sport and Fitness Exchange and bought four 25 pound plates.  They sell plates for just $.50 a lb!  They had a bunch of stuff.  I'm going to keep my eye out for a Spin bike.  We already have so much stuff, it's a good investment to continue to build our collection.

In other news, I cancelled my gym membership.  I'm loving lifting at home.  We have MORE than enough stuff, plus my in-laws who live on the next street (as I mentioned before) have even more weight, Olympic bars, plus a squat rack.  I'm set.  Cardio is easy to come by; run out side, do a dvd, jump around, whatever!  I wasn't utilizing the gym enough to justify the payment and I told myself if I worked out at home consistently for a month that proved I didn't need the gym.  Jason is training me, and I have enjoyed my workouts more in the past month than I ever have.  It's nice not having to plan it out or thing about it.  I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life, and I didn't need a gym to do it.

Still haven't been counting calories but my weight has been holding steady between 138.4  and 139.8 for the past week.  Not too shabby!  I'm anxious to see how my measurements are on Thursday.  I'm not expecting much of a change, but we will see!

Been a while

Not much to report.

I'm in week 4 of consistently lifting.  That feels really good, and I'm enjoying lifting heavier, lower reps.  I'm able to increase my weight almost every time.  It's pretty awesome feeling strong.

Cardio, meh.  Didn't do but maybe once last week, none this week so far.  Unless you count the housework and chasing after the kids.

Had been counting calories, but I do get sick of it easily.  Been maintaining my weight between about 138 and 141.  If I see a reason to return to counting I will.

I had an NSV yesterday.  I bought a new skirt (well, new to me, I got it for $4 at Goodwill -- looked brand new, from Old Navy).  I bought a new dress 2 weeks ago (new, new for real), but didn't notice what I noticed  yesterday. . . No chub rub!  Man, this summer is going to be so much cooler than the summers of the past.  I haven't worn anything but jeans and t-shirts during the summers forever and ever.  Now I can wear skirts, dresses, tanks and shorts!?  Ok, yes I realize I COULD have worn them before, but I wasn't comfortable doing so.

I'm still struggling with feeling fat and feeling like I need to lose more weight.  But I'm really trying to be patient with the lifting.  If NOTHING else this will be a very nice break and IF I decided to go back into a calorie deficit and shoot to lose more, maybe my body will respond more readily after this maintenance break.

Little update

I'm holding strong in maintenance.  Been hovering between 137.6 and 140.6 -- today weighed in at 138.8.  Ya, you read that right, I weighed.  I have been, I only made it that ONE day without.  I am disappointed in myself in some ways, but I've been dealing with quite a lot and apparently just can't handle not weighing.  One thing at a time I suppose.   

I did well through all 3 of Jason's birthday celebration (I'm talking 3 separate cakes, fried chicken, potato salad, steaks, burgers, hot dogs, fries, baked potatoes, doritos etc etc).  I did go over calories all 3 times but not grossly; was able to do a tad of a deficit in the days following (meaning I ate 2000 on workout days instead of the allotted 2250-2300) to offset it.

I've been doing GREAT with my workouts!  I'm 2 weeks in and haven't missed a workout yet.  I'm feeling great, physically!  I feel strong and am really enjoying lifting, and since my cardio days are just 30 minutes, those aren't too bad either.

The mental part has been more of a struggle, and it's a work in progress.  The last 2 weeks have done me a lot of good.  I've been able to see that eating a normal amount doesn't mean steady weight gain.  I've been able to prove to myself that I can see a difference in my body through working out even with no loss on the scale.

Also, I found a new hero!!!  Here is her Tumblr.  WOWOWOWOWOW!  That is exactly what I'd love to look like.  She's such a bad ass and so strong. 

I did it, I did it, I did it YAY! Lo hice, I did it, HOORAY!

For anyone who reads this that is familiar with Dora the Explorer, that title should be sung like the "We did it" song.  You're welcome!

I DID NOT weight myself today. WOOOOO!!!!  It was almost too easy this morning though.  I was ASS tired because I went to sleep at 10:30pm (late for me), my daughter woke at 12:15am and by the time I got her settled down my son woke and was then up until 3am, then I had to wake up for work at 5am.  So about 3 and a half hours of sleep.  I was within my calorie range yesterday but was in the mood for junk food so I indulged in McDonald's for lunch and Pizza for dinner.  It was really nice, actually, to be able to eat greasy crap food and get full and still be within calorie range!  2250 calories is A LOT!  I love it!

Got my nice intense cardio session in last night too, weights tonight.

Today is my husband's birthday and I always make him a red velvet cake with homemade whipped cream for frosting/icing (what's the diff between the 2 btw?), and he requested fried chicken for dinner.  This could get tricky!  But I'll try and roll with the punches!

Suck suck suckity suck

Replace all S's with F's and that's the general idea!  GAH!  I couldn't even make it ONE day!  I weighed myself this morning.  This needs to STOP!!!  I stand by my goal of not weighing, I guess I will try a new approach tomorrow, like putting the scales in a steel treasure box wrapped with chains and locked with 45 locks each key given to a different peron who will swallow them, then drop the box in a canal.  I cannot convince myself that the scale doesn't matter if I insist on weighing myself every day because then obviously I consider it to matter very much if I can't even freaking go ONE day without weighing.  I'm so frustrated with myself! 

ANYWAY!  I had a GREAT workout last night.  I was able to go up in weight on everything and I felt like a super bad ass afterwards.  I went a tad over on my calories yesterday, but honestly it doesn't matter.  I believe this is why I had a hard time fighting the urge to weigh in this morning.  I wanted to see if that 150 calories made me gain 423453452345 pounds, guess what!?  It didn't, I was down from yesterday.  See SELF!!!  See!!!!

Tonight is cardio and I'm looking forward to it!

Tomorrow is another day, another day to try not to weigh.

Breaking Habits

I've completed an entire week of maintenance calories and consistent working out.  Obviously that isn't a long time, but for me that's a big milestone with how much I've been struggling lately!  I got a 30 minute, intense interval, cardio session in last night and today is lifting -- which I'm looking forward to (exciting).  I have a plan, doing well following it, working on paying attention to thought patterns, and tendancies to stress about the scale and food.  I think it's time to take another step, one which will be very hard, and I'm nervous about. 

Over the past week I've only weighed in ONCE per day (except yesterday I snuck a weigh in on the analog scale, which I shouldn't have), down from every time I went to the bathroom, or more.  I weighed in this morning, and I plan to not weigh again until next Monday.  This makes me anxious!!!  I don't really *want* to not weigh, but it's something I need to let go of for my mental health.  I know that this calorie level isn't piling on a million pounds so there's no reason to worry I will gain weight unintentionally.  I'm working out HARD on top of that.  If I am going to switch focus to body recomposition and strength, the scale needs to take a back seat.  Really, the scale needs to be in the trunk!  I feel it's important for me to weigh-in to ensure accountability, but daily certainly isn't necessary for me at this point, and in truth it gets to me when it fluctuates up, even though rationally I know it's not FAT gain.  It only makes sense to take the focus of the scale - physically, if I'm trying to take the focus of the scale - mentally.  I'm uncomfortable doing this, which is a big sign to me that it's the right thing to do.  My comfort zone hasn't been getting me anywhere positive, so I'm taking steps a little at a time, to break from my comfort zone; it hasn't been all that comfortable anyway.

And the 7th day she reflected

I've actually been trying to reflect everyday, but I thought the title was catchier this way.  Today is the 7th day of working on maintenance.  It's been one of the best weeks I've had in a long time.  I had Jason train me Monday, Wednesday, and Friday -- the most lifting I've done in one week in AGES!  I've started learning how to do exercises I've never done before, like Cleans.  I'm completely excited about this type of workout.  I've never really done low reps (like 2-3 reps) and high weight (high weight being subjective of course), but it's AWESOME!  I seriously love it.  I haven't dreaded any of my workouts this week.  I did cardio Tuesday and Thursday, a half hour of fairly intense intervals.  Rest Saturday and today.  I need it too, I'm sore as hell in my upper body! 

Calories?  So glad you asked.  Just as a reference I started this week (Monday) at 141.4 pounds.  Obviously had gone up a few pounds, I've been in the 130s again since Tuesday.  Trying to maintain apparently has helped me stabilize a little lower, very exciting, kind of let's me know I'm on the right track!  I know very well it takes a while to really know what maintenance calories are, so that's why I'm continuing to weigh myself daily, I want to see if any patterns emerge.  I'm tracking my calories diligently on myfitnesspal.com, and aiming for 2250 on workout days, and at least 140 grams of protein on lifting days.  Yesterday was a rest day but I still ate 2250 instead of the 2000 goal for rest days, well, because I was hungry.  I made a poor decision for a mid-afternoon snack that left me feeling very unsatisfied (note to self for the future), and I just decided if I get really hungry I'm allowed to eat (been struggling with giving myself permission to eat when hungry).  I'm not going to sweat 250 calories, especially since I really don't know if 2000 on a "rest" day is breaking even or not ("rest", HA!  I have a 1 year old and a 3.5 year old, even rest days are pretty damn active).

While I'm extremely hopeful and excited at this new phase of my life, I'm kind of sad too.  I've been struggling so hard the past months eating as little as humanly possible and still function, fighting binges, and getting into some very detrimental habits, focusing solely on the scale, and I could have been doing my body so many favors by eating more and exercising.  It's so COMMON SENSE, but I was in a bad head space, wouldn't hear it, refused to listen to reason.  I'm like that about most things, if I've made up my mind about something (even if it's wrong) when I'm in that mindset there's just no reasoning with me.  It's a very immature way to be, I'm working on it.

Change of Plans

I decided not to report my "Losses" for January, as I usually do each month.  I did lose inches, and I netted a 1 pound scale loss, and about 1.5 % body fat; I'm pleased with all of that! BUT, for now I've decided to enter maintenance, and for my own mental health I need to take a step back from focusing on losses, losing, getting smaller, smaller pants, smaller shirts, smaller everything.  I have gotten into a bad head space with it all.  I decided to see someone to try and work out some of my issues, and I met with her for the first time yesterday.  I think it will do me a lot of good.

So, switching focus.  This is hard, I won't try and pretend this has ever been easy, and I won't lie and say it's a relief to enter maintenance because it isn't really so much a relief as it is a necessity, and I have a lot of anxiety about eating so much.  I started as of Monday.  My weight has stabilized downward.  It does take time to figure out your maintenance calories and I decided to use the New Rules of Lifting for Women formula which puts me at 2000 calories on a regular no workout day, 2250 on a regular workout day, 2500 on a high intensity workout day.  I want to give it around 4 weeks and see what happens weight-wise and body-fat-wise.  I've planned to do weight training 3 days per week and have Jason train me at home, we have plenty of equipment, plus my in-laws live one street away and have an Olympic bar, squat rack, and more weight for everything than I could ever lift!  I plan to do 2 to 3 days of cardio, never on weight training days, a max of 30  minutes with the intention of having it be intense intervals.  Obviously I'm just 5 days in, but it's been working well so far, I feel really good.  Since I've worked out every day so far, either weights or cardio, I've been at 2250 calories, which has seemed like SO MUCH food!!!  I fully expected the scale to go UP, but in fact it's gone down.  I had gained a couple pounds last week and gotten up to 141.4 and have been down in the 138.x range for 2 days now.  Crazy!  It honestly seems to go against nature, HA!

Goals you ask?  Body composition focus and not scale focus.  Strength and muscle gain!  I want to start doing power lifting!!!  I'm actually very excited about that.  I hadn't been eating enough to fuel any sort of intense kind of workouts so now I can actually do it!  I've switched to doing higher weight, low reps, more sets, than I have ever done, which is why I'm having Jason train me.  It's out of my comfort zone!  But I haven't been comfortable in a while so it's the perfect time to do something new.  I've become too numbers focused even though, rationally, I know the scale number doesn't matter, especially now that I'm a normal weight.

Habits, beliefs, and thought patters, are all hard to change even if you know they're off, or wrong.  I've known for a while I've needed to change some things, but I guess I'm just now ready to do it.