So I had decided I would be serious until Thanksgiving. I figured I'd do low carb too. Then I ended my day yesterday with pizza and beer. My saving grace was that it did fit into my calories. I was actually down this morning to 149.8 (down from 151.4). I feel terrified right now that I am not being more careful! But it's not as if I don't care! Obviously I'm still weighing and stressing and obsessing, I'm just lacking in the actual "doing" department. I've been constantly trying to rationalize both ways of behaving! On one hand I *should* be able to take a week or two off, eat whatever (within reason of course), relax, and not think about calories and all that. On the other hand that is an incredibly slippery slope. PLUS I'm not really truly enjoying it because I'm miserable obsessing over the weight gain and the fact that my pants are tight. I'm very torn right now. I have a very hard time with middle ground, I'm typically one extreme or the other.
I'm more just thinking out loud here. I've gotten some really great advice, and pep talks, from several people in real life, and from my online friends. All of it is great stuff, makes sense, very rational, motivates me in the moment. Then I see food I want and everything kind of fades away. I feel like maybe so many months of being incredibly strict has lead me to this point. Plus getting to a weight I consider "normal" (around or under 150), fitting into my wedding dress again, fitting into size 8s and 6s. But I'm not where I want to be yet, I don't want to let up! I also don't want to be one of those people who can't just take some time off from it and indulge. I basically just don't want to be me right now. I said I was fine with maintaining through the holidays, which if that were the case I'd be fine since I was 153.8 when I said that. But I'm apparantly NOT ok with it.
My youngest is 11 months old today. In that 11 months I've come a long way, a very long way. But I really really want to be at minus 100 pounds by his birthday, which of course is now just one month away. IF that is even possible at this point, it will take some SERIOUS commitment! I don't even know that it's really possible, short of doing RFL again after Thanksgiving is over as to drop serious water weight along with fat. I don't know if I have it in me to do that! Although if I don't have it in me to give it my complete and total ALL, then apparantly I don't want to hit that number in that time frame that badly. I'm so sick of being hungry all the time. Sick of turning down every food that sounds good. Ok, I'm being dramatic now obviously. I just want to wallow in self pity for moment longer and throw a hissy fit followed by eating whatever I want in the quantities I want. WAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am definitely disappointed in myself that I find it to be such a struggle so far in. WHY!?!?!?!?! Why am I doing this to myself so close to my goal!? What is wrong with me!? <------ More dramatics, but still!
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